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To have not invited my DM for Christmas ?

(40 Posts)
tierny Tue 27-Dec-16 23:10:22

So long story short, my mum lives alone after death of her second husband 6 years ago. My sister and I have taken turns to have her for Christmas, but this year there have been a few 'falling outs' shall we call them, over my mothers very strong opinions and continuous kicking off when she doesn't get her own way, or if someone dares to go against what she decides they should do. She is an only child btw, and was very spoilt as a child - and as a wife come to think of it, by our father ! She is very used to getting her own way and will chuck the mother of all wobblers if she doesn't.
So anyway, I had her here last Christmas and she then told me months later during one of her rants, how awful it was, that my home is unwelcoming and there's and atmosphere and we aren't 'normal' and I didn't offer her a drink when other guests arrived later but offered them one 😳. There is only an atmosphere when she is here because we never quite know when she might turn and throw a moody ! No one dare say a thing to upset her but she can say whatever she likes ! So I decided that this year we would not be asking her. She has not spoken to my sister for around 6 months after telling her she disapproves of her new partner and wants nothing more to do with them, so obviously wasn't invited there either.
She has them decided to plaster all over fb what an awful Christmas she has had alone etc and told all her friends that her children were both 'doing their own thing'. She fails to tell them that the real reasons she has not been invited anywhere this year is because she totally slated my home, family partner etc, and told my sister she wants nothing more to do with her until she dumps her partner !! I am now being made to look like the nasty daughter, and she is playing the victim. She thinks she can just say whatever she likes to people and they have to take it from her - well I'm done taking her constant criticism and opinions, she needs to learn the consequences of her actions. She created this situation !

VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice Tue 27-Dec-16 23:13:38

What were the fb friends saying in response?

tierny Tue 27-Dec-16 23:15:49

They were saying things like, 'Oh you poor thing' and 'sorry you've had a terrible time' and 'so sad for you, chin up'

Milkand2sugarsplease Tue 27-Dec-16 23:15:53

If it were me I would tell your mum the real reason she wasn't invited and leave it at that - in writing if she's likely to be argumentative. It sounds like she needs to hear a few truths about he way you are supposed to behave in company/someone else's home/and just in general!!

Don't air your issues over fb and lower yourself to that level - the people that matter will know the truth and the other fb 'friends' don't matter.

ohfourfoxache Tue 27-Dec-16 23:16:03

Delete and block- it really isn't worth the stress. She sounds bloody horrible sad

tierny Tue 27-Dec-16 23:19:24

Sorry should have mentioned that she did actually turn up here at 9pm Xmas eve to tell me how upset she was and crying that she didn't know what she had done - even though I had explained all of the above reasons to her clearly. She just doesn't get it that you can't treat people like that and expect them not to say or do anything in response.

llangennith Tue 27-Dec-16 23:19:26

Funny how none of those FB friends invited her to have Christmas lunch with them. Don't worry OP. I'm sure they know what she's like.

zippey Tue 27-Dec-16 23:21:06

Life's too short to spoil what are meant to be nice memories. You did the right thing

VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice Tue 27-Dec-16 23:21:22

Or you could just "Like" it and see what happens! Sorry, not helpful.

My mum does this, not on fb but verbally. She plays my brother & I off against each other and she doesn't like me for the time being. The only thing you can do is to sign and roll your eyes.

Cherrysoup Tue 27-Dec-16 23:23:03

Seriously, delete her off FB. If there are any of her friends that you really rate, then message them to say why if it's important to you. FB can be a dreadful thing!

Hannah4banana Tue 27-Dec-16 23:23:39

It's your mum! You only get one. If you can make amends x

Oddbins Tue 27-Dec-16 23:28:21

your own Mother turned up in tears on Christmas Eve and you turned her away?

That's harsh to say the least

tierny Tue 27-Dec-16 23:28:33

I get that 'it's your mum' thing, but I've had years and years of this constant kicking off when thugs don't go her way, and her thinking she's entitled to voice her opinion on everything we do. Telling me how terrible her last Christmas here was, and that we aren't normal, was the final straw.

PicardsCombOver Tue 27-Dec-16 23:29:12

Hannah4banana; do you apply your 'you only get one mother' logic to everyone? It appears that Ops mum has been not just rude but abusive. Should victims of abuse just roll over and accept it? Life is not always that clear cut.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Tue 27-Dec-16 23:31:51

Why should the OP make amends for her mother's bad behaviour. If a person who is supposed to love you unconditionally is making your life a misery why do you have to sit there and take it because they are family.

Spadequeen Tue 27-Dec-16 23:32:01

Those criticism op did you read her posts about what her mother is like? Just because your someone's mum, doesn't mean you get to treat them like shit.

tierny Tue 27-Dec-16 23:32:13

your own Mother turned up in tears on Christmas Eve and you turned her away?

That's harsh to say the least

They weren't genuine tears because she was sorry and realised what she had done, they were self pity tears and another kicking off of anger because I hadn't just forgot about all the things she had said, and caved in and invited her like she expected me to.

glueandstick Tue 27-Dec-16 23:32:26

Ignore the 'but it's you mum'

Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she can't be awful.

Facebook is the work of the devil- delete her.

Don't feel guilty. Guilt is such an overpowering, all consuming thing. It'll eat you up. You've not done anything to deserve that.

PassiveAgressiveQueen Tue 27-Dec-16 23:34:42

Ignore the "you only get one mum" comments, they are talking bollocks, she needs to learn actions have consequences. I would snd her a letter saying "when i get a real apology for the things you said about christmas 2015, i will consider talking to you again. But this will be your final chance."

tierny Tue 27-Dec-16 23:35:29

Thank you - she also uses those very words when I tell her she can't keep turning up at our homes and telling us what she thinks of us - she says 'I'm your Mother !!!!' Like that makes it forgivable.

Wolpertinger Tue 27-Dec-16 23:53:57

Next time she comes up with 'I'm your mother' you could ask her to act like one!

Ignore on FB, in fact change all your settings so your mum can see v little of your life on it and you can't see her gang. Your life will be better for it.

Lemon12345 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:58:57

For those saying 'but she's your mum'... I guess I can treat my kids like shit too then. Knew I had those little shits for something, was feeling pissed off earlier and walked away... should of just had a wobbly at them instead.

Lemon12345 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:59:45

OP sorry your mum sucks. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas otherwise and made many happy memories.

PovertyPain Wed 28-Dec-16 00:06:02

I think you're brilliant, op. Well done for standing up to your mum.

As for the "she's your mum" commenters, what about the fact that the mother doesn't speak to the other daughter? Is that oki? Does mother dearest ignoring her other daughter not count? Does it only go one way?

tierny Wed 28-Dec-16 00:08:02

Thank you Lemon we did 😊 but it has stl been overshadowed by her Christmas eve paddy, and constant need for attention. I haven't called her since and am dreading the knock on the door when she can't contain her anger any longer 😩

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