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AIBU?

To think I've helped someone hurt my DH?

75 replies

Counterclockwise · 27/12/2016 18:28

I've been sent a save the date for a wedding this coming September. I already know I won't be going but am torn between sending a fuck right off polite note declining now or waiting and doing it, per etiquette, by rsvping fuck off some more an 'unable to attend' to the official invitation. That's not the real point of the thread but I would welcome input as to the 'done' thing these days.

My DH and I have had no contact with this family (it is the son's wedding) after a big fall out in October 2014. Incidentally, in the immediate aftermath, an attempt was made to have me take sides against my DH which he doesn't know about. I don't want to go into too much 'outing' detail about the falling out, it was something that had been brewing for a long time, was then exacerbated by an event and escalated over a couple of years until it finally came to a head. Other than a snide text to me (with another dig aimed at my DH) in very early 2015 there's been nothing. Again, I didn't mention the text to him and I didn't reply. Until now we'd moved on. Done. Line drawn under it. We moved out of the area a little over a year ago and I'm assuming a mutual contact or friend gave our current address to them.

My DH, who was very much hurt by what happened with these people - he had been close friends with the couple, almost family, since their schooldays, suggested maybe it's an olive branch or apology. I am sure it's not and said so, if it were they would have included him, if not on the envelope then certainly on the 'to ...' line on the card itself. They know I would never attend without him so the entire point was to underline they'd be friends with me but not him. I believe it was absolutely intended to hurt him.
As an aside: it's also, perhaps, a really really overly-optimistic stab at a gift grab since in the past he then we have been more than generous with gifts to the two dc of the family.

Thing is, I'm kicking myself because I did what the save the date set out to do, I should never have shown it to him in the first place, like the divisive communication to me the day after the bust up and the goady text, it was just meant to stir things up and get me to fire bullets they've made. And I also shouldn't have dismissed his attempt to self-protect when he suggested it might be a potential olive branch; improbable as that was, I should have just agreed shouldn't I? He's hurt, it's brought it all back, he's trying to hide it but I can tell.

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StillMaidOfStars · 27/12/2016 18:34

Re: Save the date. I'd let them know as soon as you are able that you aren't attending. Will make it easier for the couple to rejig numbers/sort invitations etc (although appreciate you might not be inclined to make it easy for them).

Re: Not inviting your husband. I wouldn't normally rush to judge who's invited based on a Save The Date note. But if, as it sounds like, he's the 'primary' friend and the note is addressed to you, that does seem rather like a snub. What help to him to pretend it might be an olive branch, then risk the invitation excluding him?

I guess you could delay replying, and wait and see.