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To think I've helped someone hurt my DH?

(76 Posts)
Counterclockwise Tue 27-Dec-16 18:28:31

I've been sent a save the date for a wedding this coming September. I already know I won't be going but am torn between sending a fuck right off polite note declining now or waiting and doing it, per etiquette, by rsvping fuck off some more an 'unable to attend' to the official invitation. That's not the real point of the thread but I would welcome input as to the 'done' thing these days.

My DH and I have had no contact with this family (it is the son's wedding) after a big fall out in October 2014. Incidentally, in the immediate aftermath, an attempt was made to have me take sides against my DH which he doesn't know about. I don't want to go into too much 'outing' detail about the falling out, it was something that had been brewing for a long time, was then exacerbated by an event and escalated over a couple of years until it finally came to a head. Other than a snide text to me (with another dig aimed at my DH) in very early 2015 there's been nothing. Again, I didn't mention the text to him and I didn't reply. Until now we'd moved on. Done. Line drawn under it. We moved out of the area a little over a year ago and I'm assuming a mutual contact or friend gave our current address to them.

My DH, who was very much hurt by what happened with these people - he had been close friends with the couple, almost family, since their schooldays, suggested maybe it's an olive branch or apology. I am sure it's not and said so, if it were they would have included him, if not on the envelope then certainly on the 'to ...' line on the card itself. They know I would never attend without him so the entire point was to underline they'd be friends with me but not him. I believe it was absolutely intended to hurt him.
As an aside: it's also, perhaps, a really really overly-optimistic stab at a gift grab since in the past he then we have been more than generous with gifts to the two dc of the family.

Thing is, I'm kicking myself because I did what the save the date set out to do, I should never have shown it to him in the first place, like the divisive communication to me the day after the bust up and the goady text, it was just meant to stir things up and get me to fire bullets they've made. And I also shouldn't have dismissed his attempt to self-protect when he suggested it might be a potential olive branch; improbable as that was, I should have just agreed shouldn't I? He's hurt, it's brought it all back, he's trying to hide it but I can tell.

StillMaidOfStars Tue 27-Dec-16 18:34:30

Re: Save the date. I'd let them know as soon as you are able that you aren't attending. Will make it easier for the couple to rejig numbers/sort invitations etc (although appreciate you might not be inclined to make it easy for them).

Re: Not inviting your husband. I wouldn't normally rush to judge who's invited based on a Save The Date note. But if, as it sounds like, he's the 'primary' friend and the note is addressed to you, that does seem rather like a snub. What help to him to pretend it might be an olive branch, then risk the invitation excluding him?

I guess you could delay replying, and wait and see.

Jayfee Tue 27-Dec-16 18:35:20

I have to agree with you that you have added to his hurt. But I dont understand your concern about etiquette at all. I would either bin it and forget it or more likely just send it back and day no thanks.

BurningBridges Tue 27-Dec-16 18:36:33

bin it, forget them. I suspect this won't be the last time you hear from them.

pinkblink Tue 27-Dec-16 18:40:09

I'd wait for the invitation, rsvp that you and your husband would love to go, let them pay for you both, arrange seating etc wink and forget all about it, pencil a nice day somewhere together in your diary on that date

Allthewaves Tue 27-Dec-16 18:40:22

Just bin it

pinkblink Tue 27-Dec-16 18:40:22

But I'm childish

RayofFuckingSunshine Tue 27-Dec-16 18:41:16

I'm kind of with pinkblink on this one

toomuchtooold Tue 27-Dec-16 18:42:46

It definitely sounds like they were trying to snub your DH. Imagine what a sad life it must be that you're getting married and you still have time in your life to stir up a fall out that happened two years ago. I'm not suggesting you feel sorry for them but perhaps take a bit of comfort from the fact that you and DH have moved on while they clearly haven't.
I also think you were right to show it to DH because why have secrets with these people from which your DH is excluded? I hope he's not too upset about it but really he should see it as a badge of honour IMO!

BurningBridges Tue 27-Dec-16 18:43:41

pink I love that!!

Sung Tue 27-Dec-16 18:45:36

These people sound awful.

I would politely decline now - from both of you, as if you had missed the snub.

Maybe in hindsight you could've spared DH's feeling by not making him aware of the invitation but, actually, this highlights them as the kind of people they are and gives extra weight to him being more reasonable than them. So whilst it may smart in the long run it could ease the overall pain.

e1y1 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:03:14

This is proper twatty - but how about saying you're going all the way through and then just don't turn up?

They'll have paid for your meal and will assume they're getting a gift and of course as you didn't turn up, money wasted and no gift.

I know it is twatty, but if they want to play that game......

e1y1 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:04:23

Sorry Pink - I should have read the replies first.


GrumpyOldBag Tue 27-Dec-16 19:06:25

What Sung said.

Politely decline on behalf of both of you.

You need to keep the moral high ground here.

user1471545174 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:19:38

I'd just ignore it - sounds goody if they've only asked you.

diddl Tue 27-Dec-16 19:20:04

Well you did what you did so the only thing you can do is tell your husband that you didn't mean to upset him.

Re the save the date-I'd ignore & just decline the invitation-from both of you-if you get one.

user1471545174 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:20:10

*goady, even

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour Tue 27-Dec-16 19:26:56

Decline the invitation with a simple polite note specifically noting that 'DH and I are unable to attend' completely as if you missed the snub of DH. You have kept the moral high ground by remaining polite/pleasant and they have no further reason to contact you in order to make their snub explicit!

Miserylovescompany2 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:27:27

...just shove it in the bin! Await the official invite, then politely decline. Better still make sure you are somewhere hot with a cocktail in hand, enjoying the holiday you'd already prebooked?

DixieNormas Tue 27-Dec-16 19:28:39

I'd ignore and then ignore the invite too if they sent one

Foslady Tue 27-Dec-16 19:31:18

But wouldn't it have been more hurtful if an invite later came through that he opened? I think by telling him now you've nipped it in the bud

LittleMermaidRose Tue 27-Dec-16 19:37:27

Yeah I really like the idea of them having to pay for you & then you don't turn up (I'm a spiteful cow though haha). It's not your fault that your DH is hurt, he might also have been annoyed if you hadn't mentioned the invitation.
I think you did the right thing in telling him - now you two can bitch about them! (told you I'm a cow :P )

Anyway, if you don't fancy doing that ^
then I suggest just throwing the save the date card away. They don't deserve a reply. For all they know, it got lost in the post!

DoJo Tue 27-Dec-16 19:37:45

I definitely wouldn't respond on behalf of the two of you as that invites more communication if they decide to contact you, possibly correcting you and stirring up more negativity. Then they can tell everyone about those 'cheeky sods - replying on his behalf when he wasn't even invited' and perpetuate the situation. I wouldn't ignore it either - that provides the opportunity to legitimately 'chase you up' and again opens the door to contact.
By declining the invitation in as neutral a manner as possible, you take away any opportunity to contact you, comment about you to others or in anyway put a negative spin on your behaviour. And of course the elegant 'fuck you' of being absolutely sure that you are the better people in this whole situation!

Littledrummergirl Tue 27-Dec-16 19:38:39

You did the right thing by telling him. Communication is extremely important in a good marriage and by not telling him you are preventing him from making informed choices in his life.

Withholding information to protect someone is imo a horrible thing to do as it is implying they can't protect/make decisions for themselves.

Counterclockwise Tue 27-Dec-16 19:42:41

Very tempted to do what pink and e1y1 said, very, but I won't.
Thanks for the replies it helped me clarify a few things in my head. I have let them get to me because I don't like seeing my DH upset.
I am going to reply declining on behalf of us both! That's a brilliant idea. Thank you for that. It occurred to me I don't want them to send a formal invitation and have to deal with them again in 6 months or so.
I'm not really obsessed with etiquette Jayfee but this family is and I was overthinking keeping everything icily formal in tone when my instinct was to tell them to do one.
And I don't keep stuff from my husband normally, but these things seem just gratuitously hurtful for the sake of being hurtful and using a 3rd party to say it, a bit schoolyard if you like.

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