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For DH not to apologise for telling off SIL?

(138 Posts)
Mrbluethecatt Tue 27-Dec-16 14:28:39

Sorry a long one.

Yesterday we had my PIL, DH'S DBrother, his wife (my SIL) over for dinner. BIL/SIL's 2 DC were there as will as my DSS.

I was mainly in the kitchen cooking before dinner and DH was helping BIL build a toy that BIL brought with him for his DC's in another room. PIL were having a nap. SIL and all DC's were watching TV in a separate room. So neither DH or I was in the same room as DSS who is 12.

DSS came in to tell me that SIL was making fun of him. DSS was a bit upset. SIL was calling him my 'soap powder' and wouldn't stop after DSS asked her to. DSS didn't understand why she was calling him this and didn't want to be in the same room as her. I popped into the room with DSS and asked SIL to pop into the kitchen leaving DSS to finish watching the film.

I asked SIL what she meant by my 'soap powder'. SIL explained as I don't have DC's of my own, DSS is therefore my non-biological DC. Hence calling him my 'soap powder'. I told her that DSS doesn't understand that and doesn't like being called that. I asked her to stop. SIL said it was a joke and DSS needs to get over himself. She then went back into the TV room.

Luckily dinner was ready and I got DH to help serve so I could mention it to him. He wasn't happy about the name and said if she says it again he was have a word. She called DSS it again at dinner so DH to her to stop. SIL didn't mention it after that.

So today DH gets a call from his DPs. His DBrother called them to say that apparently SIL was upset last night and felt intimidated by DH so they won't be coming over for Hogmanay at PIL as DH will be there. PIL apologised on DH behalf. DH told PIl he didn't mean to upset SIL but he couldn't let her continue to call DSS a name. PIL think DH overeacted and that DH should just apologise for a quiet life and it doesn't really matter. DH has said he won't be apologising and we won't be coming over for Hogmanay.

Is DH being unreasonable? The name is kind of funny, however DSS didn't get it and was upset.

MrsHathaway Tue 27-Dec-16 14:31:28

Unfunny joke that upsets someone doesn't need repeating.

I doubt SIL enjoyed babysitting all the children when their actual blood relations were around, doing other things. That's probably why she resisted being told what to do.

Is she always a princess?

OhSuckItUpDucky Tue 27-Dec-16 14:33:01

The name calling is not funny
She was rude
Your husband should not apologies and your FIL was out of order apologising on his behalf
Let them all sulk

llhj Tue 27-Dec-16 14:35:00

I think that's a bizarre and obtuse reference and not remotely amusing. Appalling behaviour to continually persist when asked to stop and a child is obviously upset.

HecAteAllTheXmasPud Tue 27-Dec-16 14:35:49

Bloody stupid 'joke'. Doesnt even make sense. She could call her children soap powder too Since you can get both non biological and biological.

Sounds more like nastiness to me. Bullying even, since she continued to do it even when she knew it was upsetting him.

I would be happy for them not to come if she's the sort of person thay enjoys upsetting a child.

Don't apologise to her she is at fault here.

smEGGnogg Tue 27-Dec-16 14:36:41

No I don't think that's funny at all. It singles him out and makes him feel uncomfortable because he doesn't understand.

Your husband doesn't need to apologise at all.

GingerHollyandIvy Tue 27-Dec-16 14:36:57

SIL is a nasty bully that continued to torment a 12 year old when he asked her to stop and after you told her to stop. Sil should've ashamed of her behaviour.

Well done for calling her on it.

Cherryskypie Tue 27-Dec-16 14:36:58

She was told she was upsetting him and deliberately ignored that, dismissed his feelings and used it again. I think she's the one who should be apologising.

GingerHollyandIvy Tue 27-Dec-16 14:37:34

Should've been. Sorry. Typo.

QuandryQueen Tue 27-Dec-16 14:38:41

She honestly sounds about 15.

PoppyFleur Tue 27-Dec-16 14:40:35

Unless I have read the OP incorrectly, there were 3 children, 2 belonging to SIL and the OP's DSS so she wasn't babysitting all the children.

Your SIL has behaved badly and if she felt intimidated by your DH how did she think a 12 year old child felt being teased by an adult?

Ridiculous behaviour from the in-laws, why are the feelings of children so minimised by some adults?

MissVictoria Tue 27-Dec-16 14:43:26

What she did was disgusting. So what if your DSS isn't your biological child, he's still your child, and the need to make a point out of him not being biologically yours is unnecessary, cruel and plain rude. It's singling him out in a negative way. The very fact he asked not to be called that should have been an end to it, and SHE should have apologised. To say it repeatedly to the point DSS came to you upset was going way too far. For her to then ignore your polite request to stop using the term, which IS derogatory, should absolutely have been enough to put an end to it. For to then do it AGAIN at dinner in front of everyone there is absolutely no excuse for. It doesn't matter if she found it funny, she was told DSS didn't like it multiple times, to continue using it was bullying. Your DH was absolutely right to tell her to stop, if she wasn't being a bully she would never have been "intimidated" by him telling her to stop. SHE is the one who should be apologising, first to your DSS for not accepting his wishes to not be called that, to you, for ignoring your further request to stop, and to your husband, because its his son she was being a bully to. If your parents seriously think your husband is the one who needs to apologise, they either haven't understood what she did (bullying a 12 year old ffs) or are delusional. Under absolutely no circumstances should anyone be apologising but her.

SVJAA Tue 27-Dec-16 14:43:54

YADNBU, I don't think it's funny in the first place, but even if it was meant in jest, she knew your DSS was upset and continued to do it. I wouldn't apologise either.

MrsHathaway Tue 27-Dec-16 14:44:07

If I were in a house with six adults and they went elsewhere leaving me with all the children including my own, I'd be annoyed. It's antisocial.

Footinmouthasusual Tue 27-Dec-16 14:44:20

She needs to apologise and grow up. Your dh should phone his parents and tell them the full story including how upset your dss was.

She knows she was caught out and in the wrong so is trying to blame s child for not getting a 'joke' it wasn't funny and it was unkind. I imagine his mum would be angry too.

Good on you op for calling her out.

MrsHathaway Tue 27-Dec-16 14:44:45

House *of six adults

99percentchocolate Tue 27-Dec-16 14:44:47

Yanbu and good on both you and your DH for standing up for DSS. She was warned repeatedly and still continued to upset him. She acted like a child so she should be treated as such. Go to Hogmanay, why should your family miss out because of her behaviour? She needs to apologise to you all, not the other way around.

TheCatsMother99 Tue 27-Dec-16 14:44:55

Your SIL should apologise, no one else and no one else on anyone's behalf.

She sounds like a nasty, spoilt b*tch tbh.

Frusso Tue 27-Dec-16 14:45:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redfairy Tue 27-Dec-16 14:46:11

SIL should be ashamed of herself for calling your DSS such a name. Whether she thinks it was just teasing or not it was mean spirited.
You and DH were quite correct to pull her up on it and I would be supporting him in not apologising to SIL to save her feelings when she blatantly gives not a shit about DSS's.

Footinmouthasusual Tue 27-Dec-16 14:48:02

mrsH

The op and her dh were hosting dinner and helping build a toy for the sils kids.

If a mother and adult can't sit on her arse watching tv with her own 2 kids and a 12 year old without playing up and sulking she sounds bloody unhinged.

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Dec-16 14:48:13

That's a horrible name, she should apologise, you just don't call kids that, especially when you've already been told it upsets them. Who the fuck upsets kids for the shits and giggles.

She is in the wrong here.

Maverickismywingman Tue 27-Dec-16 14:48:28

What a horrible thing to say to someone. soap powder
And then involving PIL

Don't apologise to her but I would say she is still welcome at your home, as long as she realises why what she said was out of order

pudcat Tue 27-Dec-16 14:49:21

That name calling is disgusting and your SIL is the one who should be apologising.

RichardBucket Tue 27-Dec-16 14:52:48

Ugh at your in-laws apologising on your behalf.

'Soap powder'? I bet your stepson could come up with something wittier, stupid woman.

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