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inlaws making my life hell. oh joining in

(34 Posts)
ffsdoingmybest Tue 27-Dec-16 07:52:37

Always had an issue with mil. She is a spoilt only child who has pushed all her shit onto my oh all his life and is a master of manipulation. My oh has one younger brother who has got away scott free.

My bil is now married and his wife is just like my mil - spoilt and vile. Both my mil and sil gang up on me and have ruined precious moments for me and my oh. - ruined our wedding planning, ruined our pregnancy by being bitches over it (i got pregnant 2 months prior to sil and my mil wanted her to have the 1st child, sil felt the same and ignored our pregnancy!).

My oh and i do nothing but argue over his mother and our sil behaviour. They are very sneaky and because its always 2 against 1 it always looks like i am the badguy despite it being plainly obvious by what they are doing that it is them.

My oh keeps threatening to leave me (i am pregnant!) because i cant get on with them. I have tried and tried but even mother theresa wouldnt stand a chance. The bottom line is that his mother hates that she is no longer his world and cant dump her shit on him anymore, owing to me and his child being around (a gc who she makes no effort with compared to his sil child - with the exception of big events like xmas where she rolls in and expects to be treated like a visiting queen)

Im sick of arguing with my oh. He does understand that its them but he is very frustrated and angry that his relationship with his mother has turned sour as he has noone else except his brother who he has never been close to (her fucking fault for being a mind-fucked bitch that constantly bats them off against each other and has favourites tbf)

Really dont know what to do. If i leave then part of me thinks they will hold a celebration and welcome my oh with open arms blaming me for everything as its an easy option. The reality though is that I have told my oh that if he threatens to leave me again i will pack his bags for him because nothing will change - his mum will always be a bitch and so will sil, regardless of who he is with.

I deserve a husband who puts me and our children first and who can see the warped nasty behaviour of mil and sil for what it is.

How can i make this situation better? I dont want my inlaws to drive an even deeper wedge between oh and i but they are doing a very good job!!!! I feel helpless sad

Arsenicinthesugarbowl Tue 27-Dec-16 08:13:04

I read your other post yesterday and commented. As someone who has had a challenging relationship with MIL I have learned that we also have to accept our own role in the problem (even when the other person is being manipulative). I can hear the frustration in your writing but all what you're doing right now will achieve is the end of your relationship if things carry on.
Get some understanding of the situation. Try not to be so emotional and get drawn in. It's exactly what they want and you are the only person suffering!
My experience is even when MIL is a nightmare your DH will find it hard to hear you complaining about her.
I got much better results from adopting a medium chill stance and bring united with my DH. I would explain why I didn't like the things she did/said to DH and he responded to that better than "I hate your mum!" It took a long time but things are better.
Think about where your boundaries lie with MIL and talk to your DH first to get him on side. Some men have very complicated relationships with their mums and it helps to understand that. Him
Threatening to leave you is ridiculous and he needs to stop it. My MIL is very controlling and gets insecure if she feels she isn't needed. She then behaves very passive aggressively tries to "get in first" with arrangements. It's annoying but i know why she does it which makes me less angry about it. I still don't tolerate the behaviour but she has her own (weird) rationale behind it.
It also helps to try and understand why your MIL does what she does. It makes you feel less angry when you realise it's all based in insecurity and their own baggage!

I sound relaxed I know but this is off years of being told I'd stolen her son, thought I was special because I had a job, threats of suicide when challenged, manipulation of GC etc.
Hope things work out for you.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon Tue 27-Dec-16 08:13:30

This is not a MIL/SIL thing (that's a separate issue). Your main issue is that your OH said he would leave you even though you're pregnant.

These people can only ruin special moments (not sure I would class wedding planning as a special moment though) if you let them

Imknackeredzzz Tue 27-Dec-16 08:16:45

If my other half threatened to leave me due to not getting on with his mother,never mind if I was pregnant! I'd frankly tell him to run along back to mummy then and LTB

ClarissaDarling Tue 27-Dec-16 08:24:59

I think there's good advice from Arsenic there, but from what I've picked up in OP the DH isnt interested in United front? Odd that DH is golden child but is SIL who is golden wife!

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Dec-16 08:35:09

Your post is full of vitriol, you clearly hate them both with a vengeance, yet you give very little example of their behaviour that's caused this other than ignored your pregnancy. Yet you say everyone, inc your partner thinks you are the main issue and not them.

I think maybe you need to look at your own part in this, This doesn't mean you are to blame, but it's seldom one sided and we do all play a part in developing, maintaining and breaking relationships.

Maybe you need to take a step back, ease off with the nasty words, understand what you can do to improve the situation, as clearly demanding your partner chooses you over them isn't going to work, his preference is he has you both. If your mother in law isn't going to make the first move to fix this then you will need to if you wish to keep your relationship with your partner.

So the only way forward is to think about what you do to improve the situation as you can only control your own behaviour, not that of others.

Fartleks Tue 27-Dec-16 08:46:21

Do you have to see her? My mil is awful but because I only see her twice a year now, it's totally manageable

I'm very very pleasant and polite to her but I hold her at arms length and give nothing of myself. I treat her like a random person i chat to in the playground. Lowering my expectations of her has removed any hurt. I've accepted they are rubbish.

When she has stropped, I've just been very quiet and held back further. Been very distant for a month or so.

I've not demanded my husband choose. Mil has favourites too. That's her problem

57968sp Tue 27-Dec-16 08:47:19

I often feel we need to hear the other side before responding. Especially with threads like this.

Lesmacarons Tue 27-Dec-16 08:52:56

I agree - I hope he didn't mean that he would leave you. Perhaps he said it in the heat of the moment? I hope he apologises - he definitely should. You poor thing - they should not be giving you stress at this time.

Ignore them. As other posters have written - you don't have to see them very often if you don't want to.

I used to stay at home with my son on Boxing Day because going to my MIL's emotional abuse partt/ I mean Boxing day party was more than I was prepared to do. Eventually, they accepted it. Just don't care what they think. He married you and you did not marry them.

I'm so sorry so sorry you are going through this. Hang on in there and press the ignore button as far as they are concerned.

FutureMrsRanj Tue 27-Dec-16 08:56:55

I agree re lack of examples, it makes it hard to understand. Also wrt your dh threatening to leave you while pregnant, I think I'd be tempted to pack his bag

ChasedByBees Tue 27-Dec-16 08:58:35

You have a 'D'H problem. What kind of low life threatens to leave his pregnant wife for not getting on with his mother? You seem to paint him as a victim, as his mother can't 'dump her shit on him anymore'. Tell him to go back, let him see if his life improves.

YABVVVU to describe your MIL as a spoilt only child.

TheNaze73 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:03:19

I'd love to know the full story here. You're sounding like hard work & full of anger. Can you elaborate at all?

diddl Tue 27-Dec-16 09:08:53

Keeps threatening to leave because you can't get on with his mum & SIL.

You should be cheerfully waving him off.

How can you bear to still be with him?

Lweji Tue 27-Dec-16 09:27:59

Ok, so yours was the MIL who arrived in the middle of you giving the children their presents with her own letter from Santa and a present identical to one you had not given yet.

Now, it's understandable that you didn't like it. But instead of ranting about it, perhaps you could be more assertive with her and get more in control of the situations.
Use your cool head.
Of course Santa wouldn't leave a letter for them at her place, yours is the real one.
And as for a an identical toy, shit happens. Make fun of it and exchange it.

But, if you've been ranting in relation to her and SIL like you've shown here, your OH may indeed want to get away.

Sometimes we do have to let things wash over us because situations are never exactly as we'd have imagined them.

If your SIL lives away, or has a more outgoing personality, it happens that when they come by things do revolve a bit around them.

And it would do all of you a world of good to get along away from your MIL so that she can't spoilt it so much.

Sigourneym61 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:32:05

Well my in laws wasn't getting NOWHERE near my family! Was called a lazy fat bitch just before xmas 😂 Because she decided to vent her frustration out on me because her son slammed her over been a crap mother and grandmother! Even though I haven't seen this women in person for 3 years as she never wanted to meet the son I'm married to children she still called call me a lazy bitch 🤔

Sigourneym61 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:38:13

When the mother in law comes over

BerylStreep Tue 27-Dec-16 09:42:38

I think you need to try to learn to detach. I can sense your anger and frustration coming through your OP, but if they are trying to press your buttons, then it is clearly working. I know things can be magnified when you are pregnant, and it might be worth bearing that in mind.

Taking your MIL's interest in your child as an example: So what if your MIL shows no interest in your child? Is that not actually a good thing? By being upset by her lack of interest, do you realise that you are craving her approval and interest, and that by doing so, it gives her the power to hurt you by withholding it? Have a look on the threads on MN at the many posters whose MILs are domineering and want to raise grandchildren according to their wishes. Thank your lucky stars you aren't dealing with that. Turn the situation around and see the positive from it.

From a long-term perspective, I think that difficulties between in-laws (mainly female IME) are fairly common, as new dynamics occur when there is a new relationship, and it can take time (and sometimes angst) to redraw the new norms for the wider family. I've always thought that some of the change management literature used for managing change in organisations is just as relevant in managing change in families, for example wasn't it Lewin who talks about the Freeze - unfreeze - change - refreeze process? It might help to try to take a step back and understand the dynamics of all involved through a more abstract lens. Even if it doesn't change how other people are behaving, it may give you more insight to their motivations, with the effect that 1. It might not feel as personal to you and hence may not wind you up as much; and 2. It actually might help you to respond in a different way, therefore breaking the power struggle dynamic. And at the end of the day, this is what it sounds like - a massive power struggle for your husband's time and affections.

I really think that trying to understand the motivations for the behaviour, rather than reactively responding to each incident or slight, which is only a manifestation, would be very useful for you.

I also think you need to try to impose some self discipline on yourself. For example, try to promise yourself that you won't discuss your in laws for a whole day. Move on to making a promise that you won't think about them in a day, or if you are, set aside a half an hour to do this, and if intrusive thoughts about them enter your thinking, be disciplined and say to yourself that you will put the thoughts to one side and only think about it at, for example - 4.30pm.

It's a cliche to say that you can't change other people's behaviour, only your own and how you react, but I believe it is true, and very relevant for you. You really can't change your MIL, no matter how much you dislike some of the things she does, but she is yanking your rope at the moment, and every time you react, you are telling her it's working.

Sigourneym61 Tue 27-Dec-16 10:05:13

Didn't realise this was a thread off the lady's comment at the top ☺️ your in a horrible situation and honestly your husband needs a reality check big time. There are some horrible mil out there and unfortunately you have a big bitch with no support, just try ride it through your pregnancy and hopefully your husband will come to his senses when he sees you go through the labour etc and that in his life you and your child need to come above anybody. Chin up Hun, and try think about yourself and your little darling growing inside, don't let trash get you down 💕

RaspberryOverloadsOnMincePies Tue 27-Dec-16 10:07:36

OP, you will get some good advice from the Relationships board.

But ultimately, you can't change these people, you can only change how you react. Although quite frankly I'd have been happy to pack my OH bags if he threatened to leave like this. He's expecting you to shut up and put up so as not to rock his boat. Sod that.

ShowMePotatoSalad Tue 27-Dec-16 10:12:53

Why get in to such big arguments over, frankly, trivial things? How exactly did they 'ignore' your pregnancy? They didn't make a song and dance about it? Neither did my in laws. So what? I wasn't doing it for their attention, I was happy in my own life. Do you blow up to your DH about his family? If so no wonder he's having trouble coping with the relationship. Do you describe your MIL as a "mind-fucked bitch" in front of her son then?

Give us some concrete examples of what they have actually done to make you despise them so much?

diddl Tue 27-Dec-16 10:16:23

WEll that's the thing, isn't it?

His reaction is to threaten leaving his partner & child?

Op might be hard to get on with/take offence where there none-Ils might be the same.

In which case he should be asking them all to rein it in-not putting it all on Op!

Even if it is all Op, what would leaving her achieve-unless he doesn't want to be with her!!

CalorieCreditEqualsCake Tue 27-Dec-16 10:21:31

You need to be more specific OP.

Give us a few examples of what MIL has done.
At the moment you just sound angry but haven't specified anything that they have done.

Your partner threatening to leave is unacceptable though. If you have relationship problems and he wants out then he needs to discuss it with you and follow through. To threaten/blackmail you is totally wrong.

Parker231 Tue 27-Dec-16 10:24:04

You have a DH problem- you haven't given any details of particular issues with MIL and SIL other than general annoying things. Just ignore them and sort out your relationship with your DH.

Lweji Tue 27-Dec-16 10:30:44

Or the husband has a wife problem?

I've been married to someone who'd start on rants and wouldn't stop even when asked nicely or less nicely.

You do need to find a way of calmly talk about this with your husband and listen to him as well.
If you can't right now, this is one of those instances where I think couples counselling can work. So that you find some neutral ground to be able to sort this issue.

PS- I'd post the same if this was in Relationships. And I think you've had some good advice on the thread.

Bauble16 Tue 27-Dec-16 10:33:24

Has anybody ever actually said to you that Sils pregnancy is favoured and they don't care about yours? The baby isn't born yet, your been a bit precious over that.

Also the anger you display is very irrational and tbh makes you look hard work. You need to stop bitching about his family and just keep a distance

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