To not make my Dad his Christmas Dinner again...(41 Posts)
I'll try and get all the backstory in here...
So my sister and I live close to one another (same estate) and our elderly father lives about 5 miles away in a naice big house.
He is a grumpy fucker and frankly, enjoys being that way and believes being 75 gives him licence to be a shit.
He enjoys trying to divide my sister and I, who have a fairly firey relationship but we can get on and work together well most of the time.
To give you an idea of his sense of humour, he likes to pick on someones weaknesses as he thinks thats funny and that everyone else will join in with him laughing at their discomfort, so an example of that..
I gave him a box of chocolates, small box, hand made with 'MINE!' written on it as he loves to pointedly not share.
I am very overweight (something he's bullied me about for years), I am also diabetic and so I don't eat chocolate anyway and its been a long long time since I gave a shit..
So he gets his present, opens it, ooh goody chocolates.. and then offers everyone else a chocolate but makes a huge point of saying EVERYONE CAN HAVE ONE BUT NOTWiddlinDiddlin, YOU AREN'T ALLOWED BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT BITCH...
Oh how we laugh, hilarious. He genuinely does not notice that no one else thinks its funny - never has.
Anyway back to the point - each year for the last 4 or 5 years, my sister and I have split the cooking of the christmas dinner between us, and its either been hosted at her house or his.
He pays 50% of the cost and we pay the rest between us (based on his suggestion as he is frankly, minted and we aren't).
Every year he is determined to point out exactly what we have done wrong - the meat isn't cooked right, the yorkshire puddings are wrong, the gravy isn't right.
This year between us we really pulled out the stops, 3 course feast - home made pork and chorizo pinwheels, selection of crispy chinese party starters, melba toasts, pate, cheese... and then the main, the beef was perfectly pink in the middle, there was cauliflower cheese, roasted new potatoes, sprouts, parsnips, carrots, chipolatas, proper gravy, yorkshire puddings...
Followed by a giant lemon and passionfruit pavlova, and mini mince pies and cream.
All of this cooked to at least 'good pub grub' standard as well (we are both pretty decent cooks!)
He stuffed himself with starters then declared he wasn't impressed with any of them (but ate at least three of each thing)..
He bitched constantly that there was too much food (for five of us) despite us pointing out that we all like left overs and had plans for it all.
Every slightly positive comment HAD to be followed up with a complaint.. for example..
"I suppose the potatos are quite nice.... but its not as good as the pub dinner we had in the week' (pub dinner was an overpriced dried up mess which HE had bitched about at the time!)..
"Thankyou for getting the sprouts I do like sprouts... but this gravy isn't as good as I make..' (the gravy was made from the meat juices and topped up with bisto.. whereas his gravy is JUST bisto and hot water..)..
"Thankyou for coming and re-dressing my wrist, but you've been here all bloody day now...! (he has had carpal tunnel surgery two days ago and then took the bloody dressing off after being told not to, so demanded I came round 4 hours earlier than planned to put it back on!)..
Then I brought out the pavlova, a dessert I make ONCE a year because frankly, I am diabetic and can have the TINIEST bloody sliver, and I made it because HE asked for it...
"Oooh tahts DISGUSTING... thats far too big, far too sweet, its gross, its no wonder you are as fat as you are you disgusting pig"
So I said its ok he doesn't have to have any, left overs were being split between me, sister and a guest of sisters (yes all this is in front of a guest!)..
Put it on the table and ask who wants ready to start cutting up and he comes over and leans over it, picking the crispy bits off the top (i do a double decker one!) with his FILTHY hands all bloody over it, and I ask him not to as he's got his hands over everyone elses food and he just laughs and says its his house he can do what he wants...
At that point I started to get a bit sharp and pointed out we could all just go home if he wanted to carry on like that so he shut up..
And then ate two huge portions, demanded a third to go in his fridge whilst berating me for being fat and idle (he has forgotten I am disabled, as thats not convenient for him to remember when he wants to have a pop at someone!)... and banging on about how disgusting such a pudding is...
Then we all buggered off at half 9 as I was fed up of the old bastard (who had sat on his arse all day, been ferried to the pub by my sister, collected from the pub by my OH, fed by us, washing up done by us, left overs divvied up and sorted out by us) and he has the cheek to say 'oh are you going to leave me on my own now?'...
I know he is a lonely old bastard but he is a controlling manipulative fucker as well (which is why he isn't invited to anyone ELSES christmas dinners and doesn't have many friends!)
Opening presents... we don't have a lot to open all being adults but we had to ask him three times to sit down and 'do' presents and he takes HUGE delight in refusing to open his and then when he DOES open them, he bitches about what he's got (if you don't get anything for him though he will bitch about that too!).
I said to my sister afterwards I am NOT spending two days cooking, running around after the old git to be put down, torn apart and generally unappreciated the whole time he can have a fucking Waitrose ready meal dinner and like it next year.
"Oh well at least he didn't throw a plate at me like he did last year!"
I fully intend to do our own thing next year but I bet by that time my sister will try and make me feel like im being a bitch for not wanting to go through this again.
I read that open mouthed. Why are you even bothering with him at all?
He's lonely because he's horrible, it's not your place to fix that.
I'm surprised you bother with him at all, he sounds awful. If my father (or anyone ) called me a disgusting pig, he would have his plate of food over his head- the food you spent hours making.
He's my Dad ... hes a horrible brattish 75 year old toddler, he is a proper fucking cunt a lot of the time... but he is my Dad and apart from my sister and my half brother who we don't see a lot of (we have a relationship via facebook but aren't that close) he is the only family I have...
I think what pisses me off THE most is, he will be down the pub tonight and he will be telling all his pub-friends how amazing his daughters are and how they made him a fabulous 3 course dinner and hes not even got any washing up to do, all wonderful..
These people tell me he says lovely things about us both to THEM, he's really proud of us, he loves us, we look after him..
NEVER says it to us. Not ever.
Why are you letting him ruin your Christmas, he's your dad not your Lord and master
I'm not now!
I've had an epiphany innit - NOW i am sat at home scoffing salami cream cheese roll ups and vast quanties of tea whilst playing computer games with OH and doing precisely fuck all..
But yep, hes not my lord and master, I don't have to dance to his tune, so I bloody well won't!
What an awful, mean, ungrateful, spiteful man. Why do you feel you have to put up with being treated like that? Are there children around too? I really hope not. I had a grandad I wasn't allowed to see because he was a nasty man and my mum didn't want me to be effected.
Don't do it to yourself next year. Have a small meal with him on Christmas eve or boxing day if you feel obliged to see him but don't have it as your main do or you'll be posting the same thing this time next year.
Good lord no, I wouldn't expose him to children if I did have any.
This year there was guest of my sisters, but she's just about adult (looked after 'child' but turned 18 now), last year two adult former foster kids, but they weren't there when the plate throwing happened fortunately (or one of us would have actually slung the old fucker out and left him walk home!)..
He CAN be nice, when he wants to be... but more and more he thinks being grumpy and horrible is amusing!
I very much suspect we have enabled that to some degree, I think that needs to stop!
So what if he is your Dad? That doesn't give him the right to be so horrible - but you're the one putting up with this crap just because he's your "Dad"?! Calling you horrible names and you're not saying anything? At all? It wouldn't just be Christmas I wouldn't be seeing him at!
He's doing that weird thing where old people just say whatever they like in the hope to spur you into inspiration, loose 10 stone, have perfect cookery skills and then tell him he's an amazing dad.
Sounds like a grump, so next time he calls you a fat bitch, call him a rude twat. He will get the idea. Oh and make him his dinner next year... put a laxative in it.
My dad is a cunt. I last saw him in 1990.
Please take no notice of anyone who says "your dad is your dad" etc. Anyone that makes you upset / miserable needs to be binned off.
You would not be being unreasonable. It's a lot of work prepping and making Christmas dinner on top of all the other shopping etc. I would be absolutely raging if one of my family called me names like that - I think it's very unfair. I know you are trying to do the right thing but maybe next year if you make plans without him -(go out for dinner with friends or book a holiday) and he has to be on his own then he would appreciate you guys more. And if he gripes about it just say - well I am fed up going to all that trouble and being called horrible names - he will soon get the message xxxx
There is also a difference between abusive and grumpy.
We can all get grumpy at times, low in mood and not feeling like conversation. I don't think grumpy is name calling and massive shit stirring.
Being older does not give him the right to be abusive towards you.
Call him on it. "Does it make you feel better Dad? Trying to hurt other people? I wonder what's really going on for you'. Definitely don't do it next year.
I didn't read whole post as wondering why your all pandering to him. Is it because he is 'minted'. Seems that he plays you all against each other to get his way. Leave him to it
On the whole he hasnt done the 'calling me horrible names' thing for quite a long time, he USED to do it all the time and I actually went NC with him for a few years, grew a backbone, figured out generally how to avoid him pressing my buttons etc..
That behaviour has crept back in though so I will revert to the previous solution - leave as soon as he does it - just a bit taken by surprise this time as he really hasn't done that for years.
You definitely can't SAY something though when he does it, if you do react in any way, then he feels he's won, because he's got to you, he's upset you.. and that is his goal.
LAST year he actually admitted to my OH that he was going to be horrible on purpose to wind my sister up (this was when OH picked him up from home to bring him to my sisters home), his words were 'I am going to behave as BADLY as possible and try and wind WD's sister up'...
The plate throwing incident followed him whinging that there was no more of the starters left (because he had eaten it all) and my sister was trying to clear up the starter plates and serving boards to serve the main course.
Then he got really drunk and then decided an hour after finishing his meal that he wanted to go home and would drive himself and could he have his keys back (and the fact we had hidden his keys tells something there!), we refused and said he would have a lift home from my OH shortly (my OH was at our house feeding our dogs at this point) ...
Then he threw an EPIC tantrum about how he would have to walk home and he would die of hypothermia or get run over in the dark and aren't we all nasty bitches stopping him from driving home pissed out of his mind...
Then my OH came back and took him home. Where he gloated with how bad he'd been and hadn't he had fun and wasn't it hilarious.
So thats why this year was hosted at his house, so we could all piss off as soon as we had had enough of him - which we did.
He is a horrible cunty man-child isn't he.
I'd limit contact with him from now on. First sign of any rudeness I'd warn him you'll leave, any repetition then just walk out. That's what you'd do with a toddler, right?
Dear god there's so many points in your story where I woulda gone "fuck this" and gone home.
"he's your dad", yeah and he's still your dad if you stay home with your DH next year and have a lovely peaceful loving Christmas. He's not any less your dad if you stop taking his shit!
I feel for you o.p. My dads not that bad but he can be a miserable sod. Says he doesn't want Christmas presents then sits like a grump opening what I did get, I bought him a phone easy to use, no frills made for older people. Because his is playing up and he threw it back at me when I was trying to show him how it works. Said I told you I didn't want a phone. He never said that. He's my dad, he only has me, db, my dh and my kids about. What you dad says is vile though has he always been that way?
I didnt even finish your post I got so mad!
Why do you let him treat you like that?
Just cos he is your dad doesnt give him the right to treat you like his stooge, like his skivvy, his whipping boy.
When he makes fun of you (and its not 'fun' its terribly personal remarks) why does everyone laugh as if they agree with him? Why does nobody tell him to shut the hell up and stop being a shit?
Tell him it stops now or he is on his own.
Tell him if he doesnt like anything you do then do it himself. Let him stew and see how long before he comes crawling back. If he doesnt tbh you arent losing much, just regaining your life without constant insults.
Nobody should talk to anyone else like that, no matter who they are. End of. Old (ish) age isnt an excuse for being a bastard.
I'd say something every single time, as I would one of my dcs if they were rude. I think my dh would be dangerous if anyone spoke to me like that...
Queenie - not really, he is 'minted' because in true yorkshireman style, he has deep pockets and bloody short arms.
He doesn't really SHARE it and I've long ago given up on him leaving any of it to either of us as that was another thing he liked to 'toy with'... any time someone didnt do his bidding it was 'ooh I'll leave it all to the cats home then'.. so I told him i couldn't give a fuck what he does with his dosh, go ahead, suit yourself! SO he has stopped playing that game because it doesn't get a rise out of me!
I suspect the christmas pandering is because without 'having' to do it for him, none of us would actually bother doing a big christmas meal at all, we would just do our own thing and feel slightly as though we were missing out on something.
the reason he is a proper fucking cunt most of the time (as you said) is because he gets away with it.
He is rewarded for his behaviour. You still stay there. You take the insults. You cook his dinner.
If someone called me a fat bitch, I would walk out of the room. End of story. Clearly he has been calling you a fat bitch for years. Until you give him any consequences for this disgusting behaviour, he'll keep going. Why would he not?
Leave him alone. If he asks you why tell him it is because he calls you a fat bitch and you don't like it - so cheery bye dad.
Family isn't everything. Abusive family isn't worth worrying about or spending time with.
I'd say your guest is writing a post of his/her own somewhere by the way - I'd have hated the scene you described and no amount of good cooking could have made it worth putting up with.
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