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Ignored by in-laws

(37 Posts)
LittleMermaidRose Mon 26-Dec-16 20:45:09

Long story short - my in laws clearly favour my sil & hubby over me & my dh (even more now that they have a child but it has always been the case). A couple examples being - they're always invited over for dinner/days out but not us, their house is filled with photos of them but only one of us.. they just seem to be their pride & joy whereas we are an afterthought.

On Christmas eve dh & I invited his family round for a Christmas dinner, as we wouldn't be seeing them on Christmas day. We went to a lot of effort to make it special for everyone & saved up for months beforehand as money is extremely tight for us right now. Everyone seemed to have a great time.

Today we were all invited to sil's for lunch.

When we got home I noticed that mil had posted a huge thank you post on Facebook about how lovely the lunch was, sil's cooking was incredible, & thank you for the wonderful day.. but she never said thank you to us, either in person or on Facebook!

I hope this doesn't seem petty but it happens all too often. Sil & bil are always thanked & praised publicly for everything they do while we seem to be ignored. It annoys me more than it hurts me, but I can't imagine how it makes my dh feel!! He says it doesn't bother him but it would certainly bother me if my mother was playing favourites with me & my siblings!

Should I address her rudeness or am I being over sensitive?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Mon 26-Dec-16 21:02:32

what a thoughtless way to behave,. I guess the advice on what to do depends on whether you think she is doing this deliberately in order to be hurtful or whether she is just thoughtless.

Which do you think it is?

kerryob Mon 26-Dec-16 21:06:48

What does your DH say?

Mumzypopz Mon 26-Dec-16 21:07:42

I'd let it go....You will probably never know the reason why, whether it really is to get at you for some reason, or whether they just get on better with their other son and dil, but you are probably better off out of it....Don't let her know you have even noticed, just mentally distance yourself and let it run its course.

LittleMermaidRose Mon 26-Dec-16 21:18:18

I really don't know if she does it deliberately or not, perhaps she is just thoughtless but I find it hard to believe that she can always remember to thank SIL but not us.

DH says he doesn't think much of it, or that I'm being too sensitive. But I'm not sure if he just says that because he doesn't want me to know that he's hurt or embarrassed.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Mon 26-Dec-16 21:22:13

Well, in your position I wouldn't be hosting any more dinners for your PiL. fsmile

Mumzypopz Mon 26-Dec-16 21:27:45

At the end of the day, she is hurting herself, because by upsetting you she is eroding your relationship, and usually this is a downward spiral....We've had the same thing, the sun seems to shine out of my bil and sil's posterior....They get invited on holidays together, lots of photos of them up in their house etc, and today SIL revealed on Facebook how she was totally spoilt at Xmas by MIL, and all I got was a small box of Chocs.....I let it go...I just find it slightly amusing now. I have their only GC and by being like this for years, they have missed out.

Hippywannabe Mon 26-Dec-16 21:30:55

Either ignore it or post on SIL's post ' It was great wasn't it! Hope you had just as much fun with us when you came over! '

CombineBananaFister Mon 26-Dec-16 21:31:18

Well, if thats how you feel then its probably best to stop making such an effort with things like the meal. Dont take it personally, its a reflection on them not you, so focus your time and energy on people who will appreciate it.
I've been in your position and you'll drive yourself crackers trying to convince them you're worthy of their praise or competing to be 'as good as' {hmm] sil. Hate to trot out patronizing cliches but: 'Comparison IS the thief of joy'

KC225 Mon 26-Dec-16 21:31:48

Stop listening kicking at a closed door. You have gone out of your way to host and entertain them, step back now. If you don't go round there, you won't notice all the photographs etc. Unfriend the MIL from your Facebook. There doesn't need to be a big showdown but stop letting her make you feel second best

user1478863011 Mon 26-Dec-16 21:51:22

I have the same problem OP. I now just ignore it as I'm past caring.

The only thing that keeps me smiling is when MIL and FIL need care in their old age , I'll be making sure BIL and SIL are the ones called , not me and DH. Although I'm pretty certain they won't be there for them as they are the most selfish people..... Still won't be my problem. They will have made their beds and even if it isnt made they can still lie in it!

Namechangebitch Mon 26-Dec-16 21:55:47

Step away slowly while smiling.

Don't make as fuss. Just wait for DH to arrange and organise things - it doesn't happen.

Have a migraine when you have to go to their house. Oh dear.

Very slowly, you see them less and less.............beautiful.

Don't fight it, accept it and enjoy it

Dailymaildailyfail Mon 26-Dec-16 22:05:08

Is your BIL or SIL their child? If your SIL is their daughter then maybe it's just the way daughters and sons are treated? Not saying that it's justified but me and my DH are treated very differently sometimes to my DB and his partner!

KlingybunFistelvase Mon 26-Dec-16 22:13:05

As a pp suggested, I'd probably post something like:

"Yes, thanks so much SIL for the amazing day, great food and company [blah blah]. It's a little late, but I also wanted to say thank you so much PILs, (and whoever), for joining us for our 'pre Christmas dinner' last month. So nice to get to have two Christmas dinners with you"!

Meemolly Tue 27-Dec-16 10:14:21

I'm not a fan of passive aggressive facebook posts, perhaps block them on facebook? My in laws are similar, it is painful but it just is what it is. They have favorites, we are not them.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 27-Dec-16 10:21:13

it is clear she favouritises them over you, I would treat them in the manner they treat you, that includes no more hosting and trying to please.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 27-Dec-16 10:22:31

Totally agree with namechange!

happychristmasbum Tue 27-Dec-16 10:22:54

I would take a step back from MIL.

If you wanted to have a little dig I would definitely NOT do it on FB. I would be more inclined to improve your relationship with SIL/BIL. Invite them over for lunch/out for the day without PILS With arseholes like this, it will probably be viewed as a PA Declaration of War fgrin

Cherrysoup Tue 27-Dec-16 10:28:49

Take them all off FB, it causes nothing but hassle. If they ask why, tell them, be honest but not nasty.

jennybongo Tue 27-Dec-16 10:42:43

I was actually physically blocked from my sisters house when I dropped off my S-I-L one night. I wasn't invited, just being a taxi but out of politeness I thought I'd say hi to my Sis before going home.
My sister heard her hubby say, 'you're going home now aren't you' but didn't do or say anything to support me. My God it really hurt. I blame her too as she was party to it for choosing to ignore his actions and not even contact me after to see if I was okay.
I didn't want to cause a family row so tried to ignore it but it was bubbling under the surface and I found it impossible to chat with my sister so I ignored her.
She What's app'd to ask what was wrong so i told her. She went mental saying they had invited my SIL and not me and shoudn't feel like I have to be part of everything and the are entiltled to have sister in law without me there. Of course she is and she missed the point totally. Now things are awful. I don't see her as the same person, in fact I really don't like her as a person.
I'm worried if you do attempt to address this it could blow up in your face.
I wish I hadn't said anything.
It would have been a false relationship with her but at least it would have kept my Mum happy and not have the crap I do now.
Good luck.

Scooby20 Tue 27-Dec-16 11:21:49

My mum always out messages for sil on Facebook to thank her, but not me.

The reason is that sil gets shitty if there isn't a public thank you and couldn't care less. It's not to piss me off.

Again other sil is always thanking her mum for stuff on Facebook but never my mum. Even when mum had sil and dbro kids full time for 2 weeks while they went away.

Again it's because that's Sils mum wants a public acknowledgement. My mum only goes on Facebook occasionally and doesn't care.

Facebook causes all sorts of issues

Topseyt Tue 27-Dec-16 11:34:25

My MIL was rather like this.

She had three children and had clear favourites even though she claimed never to do that. It was blatantly obvious to all though, and not just to family members.

Facebook wasn't a thing in her day and even once it was she wasn't a user. Otherwise, I don't doubt that she would have acted the same way.

Topseyt Tue 27-Dec-16 11:36:15

Posted too soon. Meant to say that ignoring was the best policy.

Wolpertinger Tue 27-Dec-16 11:45:14

Is BIL or SIL her child? If SIL then could be a mother/daughter thing, esp now she is bearer of the glorious grandchild.

However it may be less she is ignoring you, than she is ignoring your DH as BIL/SIL is her favourite child. DH tells you to ignore it either because he knows there's no point trying to change it, or because as it's happened his whole life, he is oblivious to how obviously she favours his sibling.

Either way I would replicate the amount of effort DH puts into his relationship with her and no more. You aren't going to have the big happy families relationship with her that they are, if you point it out to her she'll say you are imagining it and think you are deranged. Focus your energy somewhere that deserves it.

FrayedHem Tue 27-Dec-16 12:02:57

It annoys me more than it hurts me, but I can't imagine how it makes my dh feel!! He says it doesn't bother him but it would certainly bother me if my mother was playing favourites with me & my siblings

Do you not believe him when he says it doesn't bother him? My own mother is incredibly difficult and until recently my older brother was her out and out favourite. It used to hurt (as a child), but I've long since grown immune to it. Calling them out on it in any form will likely lead to huge dramas - the chances of them seeing the light and changing their ways are between slim to none.

I would leave DH to deal with it - and by that I mean him being the one to instigate social meet ups and you just give supportive eye rolling when they gush all over social media about their other child.

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