to actually be quite hurt by this. ( bit long)(109 Posts)
Please be gentle I'm feeling a bit hurt!!
Adult Dd married with toddler dgs whom I obviously love to bits. Dd, her dh and dgs came for Xmas yesterday. On the whole lovely day, no rows, lots of laughs, couple of niggles( I didn't get much help with lunch or clearing up but no biggie).
They came over again today and we also had my mum who is old, often difficult and sometimes mean but was fine today.
Dd made no effort with my mum despite receiving a generous cheque for Xmas. I know my mum is often not nice ( although that's to me not Dd) but thought Dd could display simple good manners. I had to ask/tell her to put her phone away at the lunch table. She kept letting dgs run around expecting other people to watch him.
But minor stuff I guess. However my mum brought up a tax bill she has to pay in January. Me and my sister do most of mum's finances including her tax return as she can no longer manage. My mum is very well off but clueless with managing money, avoiding tax via ISA's etc- my dad always managed the money- generational thing. Dd and her Dd don't earn masses and struggle a bit financially like many young couples.
Dd has developed a rather entitled attitude recently and it came to a head today over an old issue that she feels ( wrongly )aggrieved about. Too complex to explain but basically thinks she should have got some money from the proceeds of the sale of mum's car when we had to sell it last year.
She got very huffy when I disagreed with her over this old money issue and said to me " well I'm going to put dgs in childcare ( I look after him while she works and love doing this) because you don't do what I want with dgs and make me feel I owe you something". I can honestly say I do things her way even if I disagree, I really do. He's her child.
I asked her if she'd like to take some of the desserts with her- she said "yes I'm taking all the ones we brought and all the crisps we brought". They packed up and left.
I'm really hurt that she's said she's putting dgs in childcare.
She seems very entitled and thinks everyone should just give her what she wants. She's an adult and surely should stand in her own 2 feet. We have helped them out loads both financially and practically.
I feel really hurt and disappointed by her behaviour as this is not how I raised her. She seems to have become very manipulative and entitled.
So AIBU by feeling hurt by her comment about putting dgs in daycare etc?
No you don't sound unreasonable and she sounds very grabby and entitled. You say she struggles financially, so I doubt she will put her child into childcare, it's not cheap, but I'd call her bluff and text her to ask when child care starts. I think it's time to put a stop to her behaviour. Although you will still take the child, she needs to now ask you to do so and apologise.
You don't sound like you like her much to be honest.
Not like her. She sounds like she does a lot for her. I used to pay my mum to look after my son. This girl doesn't know how lucky she is her mum is doing her a massive favour. But yes when ur DD finds out how much childcare costs she may come round.
Misery- I love her to bits. If I didn't I wouldn't care how she behaved or what she said. I'm hurt that she would say these things and act this way when I help her out happily in many ways.
She's lovely usually so I'm not sure what this recent behaviour is about.
I also very much doubt she will put dgs in nursery etc when she finds out how much it costs but it's the fact she said it that hurts. I also have her 2 dogs when she's at work!! Walking 3 very active dogs ( we have 2 dogs too, but one is ancient now!) and a toddler is interesting at times!!
Look, she's not going to put her child into childcare as that would involve paying for it. She wants you to beg and plead with her. Don't do it. She's trying to manipulate you.
Getting someone to work her dogs will cost her quite a lot too. She will be down a lot if she cuts her nose off to spite her face.
Well, I think you need to stand your ground and tell your dd that she isn't entitled to any money. She's an adult now and she has to find her own way financially instead of looking to you or her grandmother.
She may well huff and puff but that's up to her.
As for your dgs, well, I'm afraid if that's the way she feels then you're going to have to accept it. He is, as you say, her child. Perhaps she does feel beholden to you when you look after him. Perhaps she's not comfortable with that although it doesn't really fit with the rest of her entitled behaviour.
I would call her bluff. Be available for childcare when she wants it - if that's how you want to live your life - but stand your ground on the money front.
Don't let her use your love for your dgs to emotionally blackmail you into anything. Be frank and honest and sensible.
she's full of bluster and sounds like the typical grown up that reverts back to a stroppy teen when under the parents roof, this is just a bit of a tantrum, it'll pass, you might love her to bits but you will always be a door mat in her eyes if you don't pull her up on her attitude to you, this isn't going to get better unless you speak up in a firm but nice way.
Why does she think she should have got money from the car sale? Did she contribute towards it in some way?
Sounds like she's having a strop because you disagreed with her though. I'd say you'll be sad if she pits dgs in childcare but it her choice and you respect that. If she really feels that way it's probably best all.round to prevent future issues, if it's a threat, she won't bother again if it doesn't work.
Oohthatsme- yes I think you're right. She knows I adore dgs and wouldn't want him in childcare.
I hate arguments and rows but I'm not a doormat. I'm not going begging and pleading. She needs to apologise for her behaviour today.
Text her and say that as she is putting DGs into childcare you have enrolled on a course at a local college and thank her for being so considerate as you have wanted to study archeology,
or German, or nuclear physics for ages but did not have the time while looking after DGs.
In the past I have reacted emotionally to these outbursts ( they're not often and certainly not like this) but today I just said, " well that's your choice". I think she was bit surprised I didn't react.
I will have to speak to her and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable but actually feel like I want to leave it a few days. Her dh is on holiday this week and they both are off next week so I'm not on babysitting duty for a bit!! She will hopefully calm down and apologise by then!
I wonder if something in particular is upsetting her? If, as you say, this entitled behaviour is comparatively recent, maybe she is stressed or worried about something. Or maybe her DH is putting pressure on her (how did he behave yesterday?).
If she's short of cash she won't get either a childminder or a dog walker (pity about the second - I bet your life would be easier without her pooches!).
She doesn't realise how lucky she is that you have her son! Lots of people don't have that and have no choice. I'd be reminding her of that. X
You don't sound like you like her much to be honest.
Gee, I wonder why? And you say that like it's a bad thing. Being 'family' isn't a licence to behave like a selfish arse.
Do not allow her to use her children to manipulate you.
If she says she will put them in childcare then do not argue about it!
She will come back i bet!
But you do not want to start down this road or she will continually try to manipulate you this way. Do not show her that will work. You've reacted in exactly the right way by agreeing it's her choice. Keep it up!
I can't help wonder if you are mu Sils mum.
Sil and dbro have a habit of not allowing people to spend time with their kids when they don't get their own way.
She is trying to manipulate you. She has no intention of putting the child in child care.
"She's an adult and surely should stand in her own 2 feet. We have helped them out loads both financially and practically. "
Why don't you leave them to stand on their own two feet then?
How do adults become entitled?
If and when she realises she needs you for childcare, tell her you'll be happy to continue (if you are), but I'd tell her you now expect her to make alternative arrangements for the dogs. Point out that you've had to time to think about how things suit you and that actually she can't have it all on her terms or call all the shots.
You help out with free childcare, look after and walk her dogs, she received a generous cheque for Christmas, but did not put any effort in to chat to her grandmother, she expected money from the sale of a car that wasn't hers, she let her child run around unattended expecting others to entertain.
When you dated disagree with her she threatens to withdraw access to your grandchild.
She is rude, selfish and entitled. It's time to put your foot down and put an end to this behaviour!
She needs to learn some basic manners and get over herself
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