Trying hard not to cry

[BeingMePls]

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

[siblingrevelryagain]

I'd spend the coming weeks constructing a letter, calmly and politely detailing exactly how you feel, with examples. Then send it to her.

Communicating by text or over phone will only escalate; at least this way she may start to get how things are from your point of view (and maybe even start dialogue over how she feels, as there must be something behind her treatment of you)

[Cherrysoup]

Sounds like she's acting out against you no yes, blaming you for the abusive childhood. Frankly, I can't blame her. Is your DH complicit with her or does he tell her what a poor idea it is to behave like this? It's such a hard one if she's acting up due to childhood abuse. Blaming you seems very wrong when it was your DH, not you.

Stop pandering to her every need, let her play out her mind games without you and stop paying for everything. Has she had counselling? Sounds like she needs it.

[OohhThatsMe]

Cherry, it sounds as though the OP finished with her abusive ex and is now with her husband.

[BeingMePls]

Hi Oohh. Still with same man not new one. Is it worth just me ignoring? I did that last time and she started to contact me. I'm always nice and loving when she does.

If I write her a letter/email - it will just be met with abuse 😞

[Crispbutty]

She sounds like a spoilt little madam. I'm betting she only starts being nice and getting in touch when she wants something..

[CatsGoPurrrr]

Isn't she just mirroring what she learned as a child? Be nice to the abusive man and mean to you?

[Lovewineandchocs]

Hi OP-sorry you have gone through this. Can you tell us how the abuse was "resolved" and how your DH acts towards her now? Did her little brother go through this too? If not, she may be resentful of him.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too

I don't see anything in the least bit odd or wrong in a grown-up daughter wanting to take her father out for dinner. Why should the rest of the family tag along?

[Aeroflotgirl]

The apple never falls far from the tree, it sounds like she is mirroring her dads behaviour that she probably witnessed as a child. I woukd write Or e mail to her explaining your feelings. Then leave it at that! Don't play her silly games. Treat her with distance.,

[Reality16]

I would see it less as a slight against you and more of a she is closer to him sort of thing. Buying her a car isn't the making of a good ear.

My DD is closer to and always has preferred her dad. I loved the bond they had when she was little and I love that now as a teen she is totally comfortable to talk to him about anything. It doesn't always have to be mum.

[user1477282676]

How can a 20 year old at Uni "take the family out for dinner" How would she afford that?

[MagicSocks]

Why are you paying parking fines for her? It sounds as if you're doing too much for her probably out of guilt for things that have happened in the past. And you say you are still with her dad who was abusive? She probably blames you for not protecting her, it may seem illogical but these things often are. Maybe it's easier to be angry with you than with her dad, whose approval she perhaps craves. Fwiw I would be angry with both of you.

[user1477282676]

Also...time changes relationships and traditions. Why can't she go out for some one to one time with her Dad?

[BeingMePls]

Lovewine - thank you so much. to be honest DH just grew up and started to behave much much better. I think when I became older I just didn't accept shitty behaviour from him and changed my response. When I was younger I had her and was desperate for a perfect family. He could sense that, would stay out all night/weekend etc and I held it al together.

I can't blame her either tbh. But she hates me and it tears my heart. Everything I've worked hard for has been for her. She's a bitch to me but she's beautiful and intelligent and a hard worker. I'm very very proud of her.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes she coukd have taken both of you out, but I woukd not expect for her to pay for the whole family.

[Liiinoo]

If her dad has a history of being abusive it is not surprising that the daughter is trying to keep him sweet. She probably has an unconscious fear that he could turn on her if she isn't an ideal daughter. So she takes all her negative emotions and energy on Mum who she trusts will not attack her (emotionally or physically) or abandon her. She can be a bitch secure in the knowledge Mum will always love her and forgive her.

This is a really sad situation. Your DD is being unreasonable but she probably can't help it. I agree with the PP who suggested counselling might be helpful for her and maybe some separate counselling for you.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

Could a uni student afford to treat the whole family to a restaurant meal??

You may have made her feel bad and she's reacting.

[BeingMePls]

For those asking about why she'd take the whole family, I wasn't expecting her too just that I thought it wasn't nice to do it on Christmas Eve when we normally all have dinner at home together. Maybe honestly I was jealous too.

[chitofftheshovel]

How very difficult for you but it sounds to me like you are the safe parent and that she is trying hard to win her fathers affection. Does her father not stand up for you, show her a united front - if not I think you need to address things with him too.
In the meantime I would not respond to any texts etc, perhaps as pp suggested a letter in a while when things have calmed down in her head a bit. Or possibly a one to one meeting.
Best of luck, it seems very unfair to you. And if you need to have a good cry then do.

[Namechangeemergency]

It probably won't help you feel better but I suspect she feels much safer being horrible to you rather than her dad.
You are the safe, steady, always there one.
He was abusive and is therefore not to be trusted. If she pisses him off she knows what he is capable of.

Your DH needs to step up and take responsibility for how things have turned out.

[harderandharder2breathe]

It's not unreasonable for her to want one on one time with her dad.

But her attitude towards you is very unreasonable.

Why on earth have you been paying her fines? I know lots of parents buy and insure a first car, but surely fines caused by her driver and/or parking badly need to be paid by her, or by getting rid of the car to fund them if she can't afford them.

You've been sending the message that she can treat you like crap and you'll still give her what she wants. That's what really needs to stop.

[roodie]

I agree the letter is a good idea.

She has no respect for you and that must come from somewhere, even if it's not fair. Where is it coming from? It is odd that your partner was abusive, but isn't now (really?)
Why does she blame you for this?
Does she see you as weak?

[kerryob]

Can your DH see the way she is treating you? Would she listen to him?

[Namechangeemergency]

X post with chit there.

[BeingMePls]

I think her dad did stand up actually by asking to rearrange dinner for another evening (not Christmas Eve which is traditionally a family day). I still can't believe she bought everyone some thing for Christmas but me.