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to ask my husband to move out

(18 Posts)
ontothenextyear Mon 26-Dec-16 08:35:19

I am having a rather bad year and no doubt like many others am going through the cliche tidy up my life at the end of this bad year.
In December last year I quit my job and was on the brink of divorcing my husband (saw solicitors etc). I was very down, my then job went badly with very long hours and a difficult boss and it wasn't possible to stay in it.

This December, I have been full time in a job for 6 months and it's a really poor move for me as it's very inflexible with allowing any time around dd (consistently deny annual leave because there's no one to cover my work, have been asked to move dd doctors app (arranged in unpaid lunch hour) because they're inconvenient to the company if I'm not there to cover my work, last week had to pay extra childcare as denied annual leave in school hols despite explaining in interview I have dd and need to be flexible I work in an average office job plus I'm not allowed to take/make personal calls etc, finding it impossible to keep up with things at dd school am too scared to ask to go to anything as always denied and I work with men who's wives do all the 'kids stuff' so I don't think they understand how much it hurts to not be able to go to the nativity play etc.
So now I feel incredibly down that I am in the same position as I was last year except my cv is a mess and my husband is still the same guy I want to divorce and I'm not being very proactive about it 12 months down the line.

I feel like I can't go through another year of trudging through a poor marriage forcing myself to work so that I can divorce, the only reason I'm working is because I feel like it would be better if I got a divorce to be employed but I have no idea if I'll even be able to afford childcare etc if I'm a single parent anyway and with my job being so inflexible I'm not sure it would work. Whilst married I don't financially have to work.

Aibu to ask my husband to move out while I sort things through, I just feel like I need to clear my head. I don't think he will but at least I would have said something.

Birdsgottafly Mon 26-Dec-16 08:42:12

It depends on what your marriage difficulties are and your Husbands attitude towards them.

It sounds as though you'd have to change jobs, to be a LP, but that's doable and things get easier as children get older (I was a Widow with 3).

Birdsgottafly Mon 26-Dec-16 08:43:18

Also, is your money being worked out fairly? You say that you had to pay out extra child care, not we?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 26-Dec-16 08:44:47

Aibu to ask my husband to move out while I sort things through

You can ask but he has every right to say no.

Scooby20 Mon 26-Dec-16 08:50:30

Tbh if dh asked me to move out while he 'sorted things through' the answer would be no.

He would need to leave l. But I wouldn't be leaving the door open.

Squeegle Mon 26-Dec-16 08:54:15

Sounds at the moment like your job is more of a problem than your husband. Can't you change that first?

ontothenextyear Mon 26-Dec-16 09:01:35

I feel so suffocated in my marriage. He doesn't like me having friends if I have anyone round he moans for weeks. Refuses to come with me to go to see anyone else as a husband and wife but moans if I go alone as well. He follows me everywhere i go when we are together. We are currently away and I literally can't go to the loo or brush my teeth without him needing to be in the bathroom and then if I leave the bathroom so he can be there he simply follows me wherever I go. I feel like I'm going to lose the plot if I continue to live like this. None of my friends are there anymore as I've stopped seeing them for so long as a result of this marriage. I've reached out to friends recently and unsurprisingly no one is free to see me. I will pretty much be completely alone if I leave but I really think my health is suffering from living in this way.
I've asked him to give me space, he has tried but he still sinks back into following me around everywhere. I literally have to lock the door to get 5 mins away from him if I need it. As he has no friends he's always at home. He has a really well paid job (6 figures plus bonuses)but I'm not allowed to spend anything and when I wasn't working he made it clear I would have no allowance etc and if I used the joint credit card he'd ask me about every single transaction even for things we needed. If I'm out with him I'm allowed to buy whatever I want i.e. Expensive items etc as long as he approves. Financially we'd be fine If I didn't work but it was so suffocating and I felt so bad spending anything I've ended up going back to work and hiding money away whenever I have an excuse to draw money out. All bills / childcare etc come from joint account. I feel like this job won't work at all if I'm alone I suppose I'll have to get another one. Just live in fear everyday that I'm doing the wrong thing and keeping myself in my position as a result. I'm so scared I'll have a breakdown or something if I leave and can't cope but I feel on the brink of one within the marriage anyway.

Scooby20 Mon 26-Dec-16 09:04:43

If I were you I would be looking for a new job before divorcing him. It will be much easier when you finally take the leap if yiu have a job that suits.

Squeegle Mon 26-Dec-16 09:06:36

Oh God he does sound awful. Have you spoken to a solicitor. You must start making proper plans. They will be able to advise you on what you can expect, it could be that you would not need to work. It also sounds like unreasonable behaviour. You don't need him to leave in order to start working things out.

Birdsgottafly Mon 26-Dec-16 09:27:41

He won't move out, but may change things so you can't make proper plans to leave.

You can't stay in this marriage, so you need to plan for it's ending.

Get all of the advice that you need, you'll feel better just knowing that this won't be forever.

llangennith Mon 26-Dec-16 09:43:58

Well you'll be better off financially as he'll have to pay maintenance for you and your DC. See a solicitor and then start divorce proceedings.

Hillfarmer Mon 26-Dec-16 09:48:36

What you are describing is extreme emotional and financial abuse. You are living in an abusive relationship and you are absolutely right to seek a divorce. You urgently need to find a really good solicitor who is used to dealing with abusive and manipulative men.

Your work situation sounds pretty claustrophobic as well - worth looking for a more humane environment there, but the huge priority for you should be finding a solicitor.

You need to take action asap else you will lose the iron will you need to get him out of your life as much as possible. He is poisonous and no one should have to live with his behaviour. He will be obstructive and hostile and will try every trick in the book, which is why you need an experienced Rottweiler to fight your legal corner. He will try to scare you off taking action, so get your ducks in a row in secret. Get copies of financial info, any documentation about his income/ pension etc. Secretly seek out a solicitor, get the advice and then take action when you're ready. It will be worth it but you need to get as much support as you can get. Your friends probably can't stand him -tell someone in RL and you will find people want to help. Meanhile MN is a great source of strength, wisdom and moral support.

Others will be along to tell you what paperwork you need slowly to gather.

Stay strong.

Nanny0gg Mon 26-Dec-16 10:22:29

What Hillfarmer said.

Make 2017 a new start for you.

(And post in Relationships for advice and support)

gamerchick Mon 26-Dec-16 10:34:03

Job first definitely. You need rid of that one, not allowed to take annual leave? hmm

gamerchick Mon 26-Dec-16 10:34:31

Maybe ring acas on that issue, they're out of order.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 26-Dec-16 10:36:39

You need to talk to ACAS, and Womens Aid.

The Acas helpline number is 0300 123 1100. It is available Monday 8am-8pm, Tuesday 8am-6pm, Wednesday to Thursday 8am-8pm, Friday 8am-6pm and Saturday 9am-1pm.

boomshakkala Mon 26-Dec-16 10:48:05

I'm so sorry to hear this. IMO you need to make a clean break. He will wear you down otherwise. Good luck OP xx

ontothenextyear Mon 26-Dec-16 10:48:09

I have spoken to a solicitor when I got this job and was all geared up to go for a divorce then lost confidence after all the advice was based around me working and I realised fairly soon the job was going to be an issue, Ive ignored all further emails from the solicitor. Feel so stupid and rude going back having ignored everything and like the solicitor might not be as helpful now:
I have spoken to womensaid and they said that they could put me in a room with my dd but it won't be very nice and it could take me much longer to get back on my feet than if I could work and get out that way. I'm so embarrassed as well. I have found that when I try to speak to anyone in rl the people I know seem to all say put up and shut up attitude including my fm saying that I'll put my dd in a worse situation. I think I'm putting her in a bad one anyway though as I'm just not coping with this anymore. I don't speak much to my family as the usual come from a crap background and still landed myself in this mess. I have spoken to him. He said that he will change. He won't move out though. I think maybe I will try send an email to the solicitor tomorrow. I've been here before I don't believe he will change.

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