bloody mil strikes again...but aibu?(21 Posts)
So, my mil turns up on xmas day morning (not meant to be there until the late eve). We are mid-present opening.
She presents my lo with a stocking containing a letter from santa (i had already written one, which we hadnt got to yet!) and also a present plus accessories....one which i had bought for my lo but which we had not yet opened!
I felt so upset that she waltzed in and took away not only my experience of reading my lo his letter from fc, but that she also took away the suprise of the gift i had bought aswell! - and opened it with him and played with it with him! I just sat there and played along because i didnt want to hurt her feelings by saying we already have one for our lo!
My mil NEVER consults on gifts which pisses me off but i felt absolutely gutted about the letter from fc that she read out to him, combined with her presenting the same gift to our lo that was still wrapped and under our tree!
Anyway, mil breezed out just as she breezed in (after ruining 2 special moments for me!) and i was both upset and livid. My oh got it in the neck sadly as this is our lo 2nd xmas and i told him to speak to her last year (to stop doing fc letter) as this is what i want to do for our lo, as lo's mum. He hadnt said anything to her as he forgot...He said he understood why i was upset and will talk to her re fc letters. We have agreed that no gifts from others will be opened until OURS have been opened from now on (because she will not consult on gifts (b'day, xmas etc) and at least it wont be us upset by duplicates if we do it that way!)
My view is that she did all the fc letters etc with her own kids and now it is my turn as lo mother - i look fwd to doing it and seeing the excited face as lo gets older every year. I dont want her turning up and stealing that moment every year.
Sadly she has a habit of barging in on precious moments - buying our lo first shoes (for christening!), first xmas and halloween outfits, first bloody everythings!. Ive tried to drop hints but she takes no notice. She arranges or buys things literally 8/9 months in advance so it feels like we have no choice or are being unreasonable if we dont go along with her choices.
This year, lo first proper fc visit for the 1st weekend in dec (of course! Had to be first!) was dropped on us as a 'suprise' in march!! It was a shitty hotel fc and not what me and my oh had in mind for his first fc visit at all. We did something else the 3 of us afterwards but that first time had already been and gone....
What i want to do is tell mil to go fuck herself (we dont get on, not my fault, i have tried believe me!). My oh is in the middle and i dont want to make it awkward for him as they already have a difficult relationship (because she us a self centred cow).
Anyone else in this situation? Any advice and aibu to want to experience these special moments without her pushing her way in on them all? - she is included in most stuff so there is no excuse for her behaviour!
You just need to ask her not to do it. You could get your husband to do this but it's better as a united front (particularly if your DH already forgot once-perhaps he doesn't want the confrontation!)
My own MIL used to do similar and once booked our daughter a birthday party venue without even a conversation. It was presented as a done deal.
We asked her not to do it and explained why. She didn't like it and was cross with us for ages but she knows now....and doesn't do it anymore. She is very resentful about it though and has given a version of being excluded from DGC experiences by me to other family. I can live with it though.
Just say no.
Have a chat, tell her she is muscling in and to stop it. If she carries on, then you refuse to go/let her in/open presents/whatever.
She is a prickly character - cant and wont take any kind if critacism (real or percieved) without having an ulmighty huffing sulking spoilt brat fit.
My oh and her have had very heated exchanges and she keeps threatening to cut him off whenever he disagrees with her - despite it being down to her actions that he is having to talk to her (what a lovely motherly thing to do!)
I know she can only live so long but i dont fancy putting up with this for the next 30 odd years!!!
You need to tell her straight, not go through your OH. It's you that she is upsetting, so stand up for yourself.
I say that as a very involved Nan, but I ask my DD, what is wanted, or if I buy something (like doubling up on an easel for my house), I wait for them to give theirs.
You've got the best bits to come, when your child is excited because they know what's going on.
So stop this now, so she isn't overstepping the mark, once she can make 'promises' directly (to make you look like the bad guy, by saying no).
No advice but huge sympathy as my mil was like this when my kids were little. I always found it difficult to speak out as part of me felt like I was just being ungrateful.
We used to get the additional stockings, zero consultation on presents etc. In some ways it was fortunate that she and fil lived a couple of hundred miles away so couldn't just drop in, but the week long visits were purgatory!
If/when I'm a mil I'll probably try so hard not to be overbearing I'll go the other way and my Dil will be complaining about my lack of involvement!
It's so not grandparents' place to do the Santa thing I don't know why anyone would need to be told.
""without having an ulmighty huffing sulking ""
You don't indulge tantrums and you give them space to get over it, whether they are 2 or 50.
You'll both be amazed at how good it feels to not have this constant worry.
Leave her to go NC for a while, it'll show how much she really loves her GC.
I don't think you're unreasonable. She got to do this with her kids, and needs to accept that it's YOUR turn. DH clearly didn't communicate with her about it. My DH often says 'Oh I told MIL about that' and then it transpires that he didn't say anything in the first place ... and the cycle continues. So make sure your DH isn't saying he spoke to her just to keep the peace.
Anyway. The damage is done, there's fuck all you can do about it now. Except make your expectations clear for next year. Try to make her feel involved, or give her a specific job. It's entirely possible she feels excluded for her other DGC's lives, so making her feel included could be a way around this. Could you go shopping for Father Christmas presents together? Let her read the letter you wrote? I know it sounds horrible, but do enough to pacify her and keep her on side. And stop dropping hints. She clearly doesn't understand subtlety, or just doesn't see it because she's so blinded by love for her grandchildren. Probably the latter. I know you don't want to say anything and make DH's relationship with MIL more difficult, but it's speak up, or lose the next 18 years of what should be precious memories to her interfering.
Ahh my mom did the whole seeing Santa first thing she queued for ages paid for photos (for me too) and got her picture of a red faced and pissed off child
I got the smiley one the following year
Honestly sometimes its not worth the angst stop her coming over Christmas morning but the rest I would let it go
Thanks x I think you are right, i should tell her myself.
How can i word it so i dont cone off as a bitch?
Your DH needs to speak to his mum and say "we love that you are such an involved grandparent but as parents there are some things we want to do for our DC, just like you got to do those things for me. Stockings and father Christmas presents are definitely one of those things- growing up our DC will wonder FC is coming to them twice; that needs to be something only we do for them. I don't know if you knew this but you bought DC the same main present as we did and we then couldn't give it to them. It was a generous gift but again, we wanted to give that present as parents. I know you love DC and they love you too, and it is coming from a good place, but we would really like you to run present ideas by us from now on so that it doesn't happen again!"
I think you have a namechange fail OP......
Anyway, why did you let the bitch in?
My mil is not hands on - at all. She only shows up for the biggies and then does fuck all the rest of the time. She doesnt see my lo from one month to the next but does see her other gcs weekly! She plays favourites! We include her but she jyst wants to breeze in, steal the precious memories then fuck off again. In my view you are present for all times, not jyst the big ones where you can play centre stage!
My oh and her have had very heated exchanges and she keeps threatening to cut him off whenever he disagrees with her
assume this is you op - name change fail!
Anyway - why does this worry you? Why does it worry your DH.
If her behaviour to the child is this extreme, do you really think in your wildest dreams she would actually cut you all off, who would suffer most?
Call her bluff she is in the weakest position here with the most to loose. It shouldnt even get that far.
She is hard to handle and seems to have no sense of propriety but you and your dh also have to take responsibility that you are allowing and enabling her, why on earth did you sit there and let her take charge on xmas day> Why>
What sort of message is that sending out? You could have said and done anything to stop her, inlc simply ignoring the door but you sat there - let her in and let her carry on, how on earth is she supposed to know how upsetting it is?
You need to say to her - " I am sorry but I want to do all the firsts with my dc and xmas - and letters, and anything else I fancy doing,please ask next time if you want to do something so we can discuss it, i wouldnt want to get to the stage of having to not open the door to you"
yes she may huff and puff but are you worried about that more - or allowing her to continue
YANBU - it's a real pain when people behave like this.
The only thing you can do though is tell her straight. No pussyfooting around, no room for negotiation, just straight to the point (as civilly as possible, of course!)
I had a minor issue with this when MIL bought DS1 his "first bike" - some shitty cheap thing from Aldi, just because "she'd seen it and thought he'd like it".
I was pissed off because a) a first bike is a Big Present, not some random middle of the year gift and b) because he'd just had a balance bike 3 months earlier at Christmas, which he was never going to use when he had a bike-with-stabilisers option (exactly what happened - he didn't use the balance bike ) Also, more minorly, I wanted to choose his first bike as something like a Toy Story one, not some cheap shit job from Aldi!!
I was so angry I couldn't even go outside. DH came in to find out why I was "sulking" and copped the lot and then he realised that yes, she had overstepped the line with it. So he told her that she shouldn't buy Big Presents randomly like that, and she never has since.
It was years ago but I still feel that twitch of irritation when I think about it. We're fine, but ONLY because he spoke to her and she hasn't done it again.
If your husband isn't going to step up then you'll have to (although you do sound a bit pfb). Why did you just sit there without saying anything if you were that upset?
'You sound a bit pfb'...
This is one of the points - my lo is my first and obviously i want to do all the big special occasion bits - thats my perogative as the mum!
If she showed as much interest for the rest of the year (or at all!) then maybe i wouldnt hate that she tramples all over my special times with lo. Fact is, she wants me to do all the mundane stuff and roll in for all the big nice things. Fuck that for a game of hide the sausage!
Why would she have to consult with you over gifts? The giver chooses the present not the receiptiants parents. I also don't get the angst over stockings either, not much fits in a stocking so the items aren't really that important.
"Firsts" of something's I understand but children are part of a family not just the parents.
But your his/her mum, doing the mundane stuff is part of the deal
I agree the mundane stuff rests with us as parents but gps cant expect to make zero effort all year then turn up and grab all the special moments for themselves.
When i an a mil and gp i certainly wont be acting like this.
There is a line that she keeps jumping over it!
Weve sorted the gift issue - we will be opening ours first from now on.
The remaining problem is her incessant early planning to ensure she is always in the thick of it for every special event.
This year it was a shitty hotel fc rather than what we planned. Im not having this every year.
So, in short, my oh and i are telling her no fc letters from now on as we are doing that and if she arranges stuff that we think is unsuitable etc, it just wont be happening!
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