Or do you bring your best self in Christmas day when you have a kid(19 Posts)
Just me DP and DD for Christmas day this year. Background, me extrovert, generally even tempered, DP more of an introvert prone to moodiness. I have learned when he is grumpy he generally just needs a bit of space and will come round in his own time. He has learned that I absolutely do not pander to sulking. If he goes grumpy and quiet, he has to be the one to break the silence.
So this Christmas, just the three of us. He is not on top form, just a bit quiet, probably due in part to over indulging this week. Fine by me, I bring the Christmas cheer in spades and DD has enough energy for the three of us.
So after dinner my brother tries to call. He lives in America. I try my phone, my tablet but the reception was rubbish, then try the laptop. DP gets the hump that this has interrupted his TV viewing, sulks off up stairs. DD starts to cry after. End of call to brother. I am sooooo not impressed that he has prioritised TV over family on Christmas day.
Hour later I am bathing DD. He comes down, asks if I am pissed off, I say yes. He then starts that if only I had moved to the dining area... I stopped him mid sentence saying if that was where he was starting then he needs to stop and come back starting from a different place. He goes back upstairs, I put DD to bed, not another word spoken between us.
I have had to learn that his moodiness is part of him, and just let him get on with it. I have learned to be understanding. But not on Christmas day. To me you bring your very best self on Christmas day. No storming, no sulking and family first. Was I unreasonable to cut his approach dead?
I don't know your relationship and I imagine his sulking must be annoying but from what you've written, you sound like his mother. I would hate to be stopped mid sentence by my dh and told to start somewhere else! How rude!
So yes, ywbu.
Sounds like he is struggling. Have you suggested he get some mental health help? I don't think you helped by chastising him like a mother would to a child. However, I agree that he should not have been upset about the call. Family is more important than the bloody TV.
Ok, but I felt he was trying to blame his moodiness and withdrawal on me. That is why I cut him off. I was more than happy to bury the hatchet, but not if he was going to say it was my fault. That to me was not ok.
You were very rude to him. You cut him off mid sentence and effectively told him to go away.
Belle I don't think you were rude. He was trying to justify his previous rudeness by blaming it on you. You aren't responsible for him and his behaviour and he shouldn't try to make you. I have a family member who is similar and I have zero tolerance policy for it now after pandering for years.
Firtsly yes, YABU and you were very rude both during the whole phonecall incident and later when he came to try and talk to you.
TBH he has a point, why did you have to interrupt what he was doing? It would be one thing if he and your DB were close and wanted to talk for a while, but a purely different thing if you wanted him "in shot" while you chatted to your DB but he had nothing to contribute beyond "Merry Christmas! Yes, had some lovely presents thanks, and you?". There aren't a lot of things I have to watch on Christmas Day but there are one or two programmes that the entire family know I really want to watch and not to interrupt me unless the cat is on fire or Eddie Redmayne turned up on the doorstep, and if someone tried to hold a phonecall in the same room as I'm trying to watch one of those shows, when there were lots of other places they could have done it, I'd have been pissed off too.
We can pause live tv. And there is nowhere else, completely open plan downstairs. To me on Christmas day family means more than telly, so I think we just have different views on that.
The way I read it, OP tried to talk to her brother in various different ways, OH objected because it interrupted tv. He later says she should have done it in a different room. I would be excited if my DB rang from states, and would not be thinking about interrupting but about getting a decent signal.
I think if I was still cross, and still doing all the jobs, and oh came down after a sulk for another winge, I would interrupt him too.
My DP tends to leave the room when speaking to sister on whatever device that is being used. They are all portable. And DP and sister have long loud chats so do it to be polite.
Is being cut off mid-sentance a method to stop something escalating. He completes his sentence, you disagree and then it gets worse? Or do you genuinely have no time to even wonder/acknowledge about his point of view?
He obviously has problems and you have developed a coping mechanism. Its just that from what has been said, the coping mechanism here has been to suppress the issue rather than address the moodiness. Which makes me wonder, when his issue is genuine (like today to be frank) he does not have an avenue to address it with you as you cut him off.
Are you even wrong?
YANBU op IMO.
Sounds like the rest of the year you tip toe around the moods.
It's your family fgs.
To me it sounded like he came down to pick a fight and you stopped him dead in his tracks. Why should you put up with his passive aggressive stomping off.
He acted like a teenager, so he got treated like one.
Eh? Your DH made a fuss because his TV was interrupted?! Who needs a grump like that?! Pffffftt.
I don't blame you for cutting him off. Quite right.
And yes, he should try not to be stroppy and moody at Christmas.
This is all presuming he is not mentally ill and is just a moody grump.
Interesting difference of views. I do find his moods tough, I am not prone to moods at all and find it difficult to understand. Not sure his moods fall into the category of problem or if they signify deeper issues. To me just part of life's rich tapestry. I don't tip toe round him at all, quite the opposite. I do try to be understanding, give him space, don't get annoyed. But I do believe he has choices and today he made crap choices and then tried to blame me. That on top of it being Christmas day and I drew a very clear line.
Belleende I had one of these ;) Funnily enough once I took your line it pretty much stopped. He'd just been hopelessly indulged and not taught to mind others' feelings.
I think a bit of mothering (to whoever, husbands, kids, good friends) can sometimes be called for send beneficial actually. Not as the modus operandi of your relationship but OK very infrequently.
My husband is essentially a nice gentle family man. However he is also moody over pointless things. I have zero tolerance too. I tend to say 'it's only a broken mug, why are you being moody about it' or laugh about his silly behaviour with the kids 'Dads a moody pants today' I have explained that he needs to set a good example to the children. He's much better then he used to be. His mother is extreamly moody and has regular mini tantrums. It's very wearing
YANBU - my pre teen DD does this - tries to twist every wrong doing into being everyone else's fault! I wouldn't have tolerated it either. And to be fair his behaviour is bordering on abusive if he is trying to blame you for his grumpiness and moodiness!!
He was upset because TV was interrupted? It wasn't even the World Cup.
And even if it was... and you were talking to your DB! Family trumps TV. Always.
He should have stopped the TV or politely asked if you could please move to an other room.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.