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I've had it with my MIL. I think we need to cut her out....

(207 Posts)
MaryPoppinsPenguins Sun 25-Dec-16 21:11:50

Such a long backstory. DH & I are completely not contact with his brother and his wife, over things that happened a few years ago. My DD2 has some serious medical issues and without going into it too much, we feel they are at least partly to blame and they've treated us very very badly. Ive had threads about it years ago and it was unanimously in our favour. We haven't seen or spoken to them for more than three years, avoiding FIL's 70th party, Christmas meals etc... and as they live in another country it's not hard to avoid them day to day. My oldest DD found it very hard to suddenly lose her cousin she was very close to, but has all but forgotten about him now and our youngest children have never met the other family that they would remember.

So yesterday we had a big lunch for DH, his parents were there and we all had a great time. MIL feels it's my doing that her family has been 'torn apart' and no matter how much my DH tells her it's actually his decision, she refused to believe it and makes digs all the time. But she was so nice at the lunch, it was bizarre.

This morning we got straight out of bed, packed up the kids and presents and drove there in pjs, total states, to have Christmas morning with DH's parents.

I was helping DD2 up the steps and DD1 ran ahead and I heard her shout out that her cousin was there.

MIL came to the door and said 'Surprise... we've got some special guests!'

They've been there since yesterday. She knew and could've warned us, but instead she pushed her own agenda against all of our feelings and it was like a car crash. We were all so scruffy and unprepared for one thing.. B&SIL were completely dressed up. I mean, we don't want to see them at anytime, let alone when we're at our worst. There's a horrible vulnerability about standing there facing someone who has really hurt you in old pyjamas and with bedhair!

The idea of them being in the same room as my DD2 makes me feel sick. There's so much history and it's been such a long time. It actually made my heart jump. We argued, turned and left and MIL text and said I was wrong.

I felt shocked and shaky all day, after this morning, actually our Christmas was ruined. DD1 was so upset, they didn't get to go in and have their presents, it was a shock to them to just turn around and leave, and also DH & I have been upset all day.

Shes not sorry, she doesn't care. She constantly thinks I'm in the wrong. She refuses to think it's anything other than my fault despite the fact that I tried to sort things with B & SIL about a dozen times in the early days.

I want to cut MIL out, but obviously she's DH's mum and I don't want him to resent me for the rest of our lives. But today I think he'd agree.

I text her and said 'why would you do this to us? It's Christmas Day! What did you think would happen?'

She has zero remorse.

Champagneformyrealfriends Sun 25-Dec-16 21:15:28

Oh god what a nightmare. it sounds as if mil thought she could force a reunion and it's backfired. Do they want to see you? They must have been in on it.

Pukepukepuke Sun 25-Dec-16 21:17:14

how are they to blame?

MaryPoppinsPenguins Sun 25-Dec-16 21:17:42

I think they probably enjoyed the fact that we would turn away and have a ruined Christmas. I can't imagine they would want to see us. We haven't spoken to MIL all day or had an explanation offered, she clearly doesn't care enough to try and fix things with DH...

DollyPlastic Sun 25-Dec-16 21:20:24

Does she know why you don't want to see them?

GeillisTheWitch Sun 25-Dec-16 21:21:08

YANBU about MIL not telling you they were there but I think it's a bit weird to go visiting in your PJs.

MaryPoppinsPenguins Sun 25-Dec-16 21:21:38

Everyone knows.

CinderellaRockefeller Sun 25-Dec-16 21:22:06

You stop texting her about ruined Christmas. You're feeding her narrative of how you are the bad guy and decision maker. Stop communicating with her at all.

MaryPoppinsPenguins Sun 25-Dec-16 21:22:35

Geillis it's a tradition... as soon as the kids are awake we go straight there for presents and breakfast... then go home after and get properly ready.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe Sun 25-Dec-16 21:24:51

She must have thought that you will make up with them, which was misguided but understandable. She wants the whole family together.

She didn't make you drive there in your pyjamas and scruffy hair though.

Horsegirl1 Sun 25-Dec-16 21:25:12

Why did you go in pj's? Is it a traditional thing ??? So sorry this has happened op. Sounds humiliating ,very uncomfortable and planned out by mil

Horsegirl1 Sun 25-Dec-16 21:25:57

X post

kawla Sun 25-Dec-16 21:26:21

I think the back story for why you are no contact with them is necessary to know to establish if you are in the wrong..

Lilaclily Sun 25-Dec-16 21:26:41

Gosh I'm not sure what to say except how unbearable it would be to think my two DC never spoke to each other or could be in the same room

christmasjolity Sun 25-Dec-16 21:29:08

Can you link to the old threads so that we can understand?

Cherrysoup Sun 25-Dec-16 21:29:22

Stop communicating with her. Let your DH deal with her.

Lunar1 Sun 25-Dec-16 21:31:53

They hospitalised your dd and your mil can't get why you are NC!

Underthemoonlight Sun 25-Dec-16 21:32:36

I agree it's odd thing to go out tomyour inlaws in your pjs. I think it would help if you explained why you went NC? I can understand a mother of three children that I would hate having to accomdate my DC because they couldn't get on or because their partners didn't see eye to eye.

NothingIsOK Sun 25-Dec-16 21:34:08

You don't need to share the back story. You don't need to explain your pjs and whatever. I don't see how anyone could possibly think this was a good idea, and your inlaws should no thave done it, especially as it will hurt and confuse the children.
I do agree that texting about it is unwise. You won't win any discussions or bring them round to understand your point of view when they decided that surprising you (aka ambushing you) with people you hadn't spoken to to two years on Christmas morning was a justifiable act.

calzone Sun 25-Dec-16 21:34:37

Gosh! How horrible for all of you......

What have BIL and SIL said about any of this? Did they feel awkward?

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado Sun 25-Dec-16 21:39:02

x

WellErrr Sun 25-Dec-16 21:39:05

What a nightmare! YANBU to be pissed off but I'd stop communicating. DH needs to be the communicator or they'll obviously think it's all you.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe Sun 25-Dec-16 21:39:25

The pyjamas are relevant because OP posted about feeling horribly vulnerable wearing them looking unkempt.

sparechange Sun 25-Dec-16 21:41:23

How horrible for you all
I agree with PP that the reasons for the NC and pyjamas are irrelevant

MIL sounds like one of those sweep-it-under-the-carpet people who can't be reasoned with and will ride roughshod forever more to 'keep face'

She has been a deceitful bitch. I wouldn't be in any hurry to see her again

MaryPoppinsPenguins Sun 25-Dec-16 21:41:46

Okay... I'll try and condense it.

They were getting married. DD1 was flower girl and DH best man. The wedding was bank holiday weekend abroad and DH and I were saving for our house, and he is a contractor so only gets paid if he works, and I was pregnant after 7 miscarriages with DD2 who was due two weeks before their wedding.

We looked up flights etc and worked out the best possible way to do it. As DH would have to be with his brother, then on the top table and various best man duties, I was worried about being 2 weeks post C Section, (I knew I had to have one) looking after a 2 year old and a newborn in a heavy car seat by myself in a foreign country... so we decided to leave the baby with my mum for two days, take a middle of the night flight, get there for the wedding and leave first thing the next morning. I was worried they'd be unhappy about that so I text to ask if they'd prefer we came the night before instead...

They went apeshit. They said 'no, you have to come for two weeks'

There was no way we could do that, financially, with the baby, work etc.

So they demoted DH from best man, and uninvited us to the wedding.

They also started a pretty strong hate campaign against us, lots of fake messages shown to people that weren't actually from me & DH. It was so unfair and awful... the arguments were terrible. His MIL kept having a go at me saying that I was keeping DH from being his brothers best man. There was a time I turned up at rhyme time with my daughter and SIL screamed at me in the car park and frightened my DD... (and it was embarrassing!!)

I ended up in hospital stressed with contractions six or seven times. The doctor said we needed to calm down... without going into it too much more, I became ill which affected my baby. There's no way to 100% know that this was the cause, but we begged them to leave me alone, we begged them to be nice, we said I was pregnant and in hospital and the stress and arguing was making me physically ill, but they carried on. I know in my heart my DD's problems are because of them.

I didn't want DH to miss his brothers wedding... I text them saying life was too short and if they wanted him there, I would get him to go. They said yes, and I felt like it was a step in the right direction. He went... they were awful to him and the best man made jokes about us in his speech.

There's more over three years. But that's the gist.

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