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Saying no to ex's last minute demands

(30 Posts)
GettingScaredNow Sat 24-Dec-16 09:25:29

Stbxh flatly refuses any contact schedule. And expects an ad hoc approach where I never have any plans and give into his requests endlessly.

There were plans for him to take them to lunch today. Then I am taking the kids to my mums over xmas.

He's just messaged to ask to take dd to the cinema after lunch. Which messes up my plans so I said no. He didn't give me any notice and as such I have plans.
He has demanded I cancel my plans as he 'never sees them' and we hadn't agreed a due back time.
Over the last 5 months he typically has them (well actually this the first time he's gonna take both kids out!!!!) for a matter of hours. Then returns them.

Aibu saying no to changing my timings?

1wokeuplikethis Sat 24-Dec-16 09:27:58

Merry Christmas!!!

Just do what will please the children at this particular time of year. Then organise a proper schedule in the new year.

Allalonenow Sat 24-Dec-16 09:28:07

Stick to your plan, he is trying to to emotionally bully you.

GravyAndShite Sat 24-Dec-16 09:28:08

If course not. Yanbu

LittleBooInABox Sat 24-Dec-16 09:28:49

YANBU - because he is being a dick.

I'd be concerned that he just would do as he pleased anyway. Take them to the cinema and be back late.

RedHelenB Sat 24-Dec-16 09:28:55

No stick to your plans. My ex is ad hoc but accepts that they are not always free when he wants to have time with them. If you would like a more scheduled arrangement now might be the time to push for it in a diplomatic way?

Happyinthehills Sat 24-Dec-16 09:30:43

So he wants to take one of two DC to the cinema and for you to work round that?

Of course you aren't being unreasonable.

Merriment Sat 24-Dec-16 09:33:15

Yanbu, he's a twat (but you know that already) merry Xmas fsmile

ChasedByBees Sat 24-Dec-16 09:39:09

I would stick to your plans but what if he just doesn't return them?

GettingScaredNow Sat 24-Dec-16 09:41:07

Well I'm depriving dd of time with her dad.
I'm selfish.
Apparently he's been wanting to see them for the last few days but didn't bother asking cos he knew I would say no due to short notice etc.

He wants me to push out my plans by several hours.

I've tried pushing for a contact schedule, been through mediation without any out come etc.

GravyAndShite Sat 24-Dec-16 10:06:12

Apparently he's been wanting to see them for the last few days but didn't bother asking cos he knew I would say no due to short notice etc.

What a load of absolute shite! And I usually tend to try and see it from dads perspective in these threads as they sometimes get ambushed!

He is disorganised and irresponsible - I don't have a solution but you can at least congratulate yourself that you identified this and he is your ex!

mickeysminnie Sat 24-Dec-16 10:06:21

What age are the children? Is he really going to drop one back to you and take the other for a treat?
When he is dropping them back have something ready to say in front of the kids. "Sorry the cinema didn't work out, but why don't you let me know what day suits you next week, because I'm sure 'dd'd name' will really enjoy that."
He is just trying to mess with you and make himself out to be hard done by. Don't let him away with it. Pick him up on it every time in front of the children.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Sat 24-Dec-16 10:14:19


Ignore him.
He had the other 364 days of this year to see his child.

Have a lovely happy xmas flowers

GettingScaredNow Sat 24-Dec-16 10:16:37

They are 2&4.
He would absolutely drop the younger one back.
He doesn't see ds (2 yrs) as a person yet. Ds gets short trips to the park and dd gets lunches, dinners. Days out (well, two in 5 months)

He is moving soon and seems to think he can take both to his flat for the day. Then bring ds back to me after a few hours and take dd to say overnight.
Tbf - ds would HATE being away from me overnight. The lad still shares my bed and is, for about 20 hours a day!) physically attached to me but still....
Ex can't see this will damage him emotionally and he will be rejected.

Because none of it is about the kids. It's all about me isn't it.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 24-Dec-16 10:20:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Upanddownroundandround Sat 24-Dec-16 10:28:49

Actually I think differently...but only from the point of view of what would the DC enjoy most? Would a trip to the cinema with their dad be exciting or a treat? If so then don't stop that happening for their sake.

It's not that YABU, obviously you are not but it's about the DC and what they want today. It's a special day for children.

Upanddownroundandround Sat 24-Dec-16 10:30:14

Your xDP does sound awful OP.

Softkitty2 Sat 24-Dec-16 10:33:46

Just make it clear to him. Say "If we have agreed to an arrangement of when you will have the dc and deviate I WILL NOT CHANGE MY PLANS TO ACCOMODATE YOU no buts no ifs"

Also write it all down so when he decides you are keeping them from him you have notes you can go back on to use.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 24-Dec-16 10:34:22

Aside from making last minute demands treating the two children so differently is really nasty.

He needs to parents his children and treat them both not one and leave the other behind.

And I wouldn't change my plans last minute for a man who's not terribly bothered about his children either.

DJBaggySmalls Sat 24-Dec-16 10:34:47

We went through this, its emotional abuse to both you and your DC, it never gets any better, and he's an entitled knob.
If he wants to maintain contact he needs to sort himself out and stop messing them about. there isnt a single court that would accept his terms as reasonable.

Italiangreyhound Sat 24-Dec-16 10:40:02

Personally I don't think it is all about the dcs on this one occasion but rather about establishing a pattern which you can all stick to and work with for their benefit.

Only when/if you had an excellent working relationship with co-parenting should you consider changing set plans.

Plenty of time now to organise a New Year cinema treat and book tickets on set day with consultation with you.

Be clear it is not about you, it is about the kids.

A big, tiring outing for a 4 year old on Christmas Eve could leave her tired for Christmas Day.

There are normally 52 weekends a year for cinema visits, just so happens this year there are 51. He needs to grow up!


GettingScaredNow Sat 24-Dec-16 10:44:26

Up and down - I do agree.
I've come to a compromise where he can take dd as long as he drives her to my mums house afterwards. Which he has agreed to.

I am endlessly accommodating him. Everyone is gobsmacked that I allow one to one contact all the time but I genuinely believe it's in the kids interest. There is absolutely no way he would manage both.
He's taking both to lunch today and I'm really worried about it.

Thanks for replies. I ask because he just verbally (via text usually) attacks me saying all manner of things about how awful I am. How selfish. How I stop him seeing them. I'm trying to remove their dad etc etc.
And I start to wonder if IABU.

DJBaggySmalls Sat 24-Dec-16 10:51:46

He yells that you are trying to stop him seeing them so that when he can't be bothered any more he thinks he can blame you.
Its bullshit, don't fall for it.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Sat 24-Dec-16 10:58:19

Have a giggle, OP.

And I agree with the others. Stick to your plans.

GettingScaredNow Sat 24-Dec-16 11:05:11

Joffery - printing that for my fridge as we speak grin

Thank you. I was doing better but I think today took me by surprise.

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