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to take dc to my parents' for 2.5 days while dh stays at home to work 1 of those days?

(28 Posts)
BessieAndJim Sat 24-Dec-16 02:13:02

My husband works nights and is working on 30th Dec. We'll have 24-28 together as a family (us plus 2 dc) and then on 29th my folks up north are having a big family party where our dc (2.5 & 8) can see their cousins who they only get to see in school holidays. My dad is all set to pick us up on the afternoon of the 28th & drive me and the kids up to their place (3 hrs drive) to spend 29th having the party, the day after that relaxing, then drive back in the morning of 31st. Dh will be in bed most of the day on 30th before his night shift, and we'll be back by the time he gets up on 31st, so the 29th is the only day he won't see us at all.
He thinks I'm being a total bitch and should stay at home as he wants the children here. Big row tonight. If I choose to go, I am massively the bad guy, but I want to see my family and I want the kids to see their cousins, grands, family friends. Very important that they grow up knowing each other. And also, dh has put me through some shitty behaviour this year, complete lack of consideration for my feelings, - so I feel it is a bit rich to demand that I don't do this thing that will upset him so much. So bloody complicated. AIBU?

Milkand2sugarsplease Sat 24-Dec-16 02:21:40

It is anything but complicated - HE is BU

Go, have fun with family and hand DH a grip!

blueskyinmarch Sat 24-Dec-16 02:21:44

I think your DH is being unreasonable. You should be able to take your DC to see your family if you want to. It will be lovely for your DC to go see their cousins and that period between Christmas and NY can be a bit of a boring time for children. Good to be busy. If he wants to see the DC why doesn't he drive up with you and the DC to visit the family then drive back after the party to do his shift, leaving you and the DC at your parents?

Newtothis2017 Sat 24-Dec-16 03:33:34

He is bu. You will gave plenty of time with him and it is unreasonable of him to expect you and the dc to sit around waiting while he is in work. Also why should the dc muss out

CrazyGreyhoundLady Sat 24-Dec-16 03:47:27

He is being incredibly unreasonable IMO! My dp works nights so I understand how little you will actually see of him if you stay home while he's working. (I also have family who live abroad who we only see in school holidays) Tell him to grow up and go! You haven't missed Christmas with him and will be back by new years so he isn't missing anything apart from one normal day, you are a family not a single being, you are allowed to do things separately sometimes!

KathArtic Sat 24-Dec-16 03:49:09

My DH would love a day to himself.

Do what you want not what he wants.

MumsGoneToIceland Sat 24-Dec-16 03:57:26

YNBU - you are spending the key days together and there is a family get together happening after this which would be great for you all to attend and no reason why you shouldn't. As pp has said, there is nothing to stop DH attending party too, he can drive you all up on the 28th, enjoy the party and then drive back early on the 30th so he is back in time to sleep for shift. If he's not happy with going that distance for a short time, then it's his choice and should be happy for you to take up your dad's offer so the rest of you don't miss out.

MsJamieFraser Sat 24-Dec-16 04:05:01

Go have fun, family in important I have wonderful memories spending Xmas with all my cousins, it's a proper family Christmas feeling.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic Sat 24-Dec-16 04:07:54


Surely it'll be more restful for him to have the house to himself, and the majority of that time is not quality time together as he is either resting or working. Let them have fun with their cousins.

DH is currently away with his side of the family. Christmas Eve is a family birthday, and due to the logistics of travel and accommodation arrangements he hasn't been there for the birthday for a decade. So he's doing a (literal) flying visit on his own. It's not ideal in terms of convenience, but I've supported it all along because it's important to him and he doesn't get much opportunity to catch up with his parents and siblings.

user1477282676 Sat 24-Dec-16 04:09:33

It's not complicated. He's a selfish arse! He wants NOBODY to enjoy themselves because HE can't.

Remain calm but make sure you go. If you let him think he can control things like this it will be terrible.

InTheDessert Sat 24-Dec-16 04:10:48

But then I have a DH who let me fly the kids to see my parents last Christmas, and I left him alone for 10days, Inc Xmas day. He offered to let me do it again this year. I've not gone.

NurseRosie Sat 24-Dec-16 04:23:19

He I'd being unreasonable. It's a festive family time Abd he wants you and the kids to sit at home being quiet waiting gut him to get home from work stand get up from his recovery sleep? Hmm, selfish. Yet more inconsiderate behaviour.
I would just go. It will be good for you, the kids and your family. It isn't am excessive length of time and you'll be home for the important days.

talkshowhost97 Sat 24-Dec-16 04:57:22


It would be unbelievably unreasonable and selfish of him to expect his DC to hang around while he is working/asleep and miss out on the fun, just so he's not along for a day. Especially when it's just a random day in the down time between Xmas and new year and he gets those with them.

I can can only think there's more to this. Does he not like your family or their influence on DC? Does he have some sort of anxiety problem about being alone?

AyeAmarok Sat 24-Dec-16 05:02:38

Agree its not complicated. He's being selfish and completely unreasonable.

QueenofLouisiana Sat 24-Dec-16 05:06:45

By the29th I'd bite someone's arm off if they offered to take DS away so I could get some peace! The children will be very ready for a party, you sound ready for a break. Go. Have fun.

BreatheDeep Sat 24-Dec-16 05:12:43

Agree with PPs - this is not complicated. HIBU and an arse. It's a no brainer that you go to the party without him.

BusyBeez99 Sat 24-Dec-16 05:12:55

I'm taking DS to see my friend and children for 3 days next week. DH is af work for 2 of them. He can't wait to be at home on day 3 alone for a bit of peace


TataEs Sat 24-Dec-16 05:21:55

is this the only time you're seeing your family over the xmas period?
it wouldn't be a discussion in our house. i'd say i was going. he'd crack out the xbox.
is he generally controlling? seems like he doesn't want u off having fun with out him and he's using the children as an excuse to me.

Winifredgoose Sat 24-Dec-16 06:03:51

He is being unreasonable. It sounds really controlling/selfish. My husband would be delighted that a)he would get a day of peace b) we would be able to have a nice time.
Go, and enjoy your time with your family.

crazycatzz Sat 24-Dec-16 07:00:12

Wow what ugly controlling behaviour he is displaying!
I would go to my family now and never come back because from my own personal experience it only gets worse from here!

DorotheaHomeAlone Sat 24-Dec-16 07:20:44

Agree with everyone that he is being selfish. Not sure that will help you much though. Can you try and talk it through calmly with him without reference to other issues (his bad behaviour this year). That just muddies the water and may make it feel like you're punishing him. In reality it's not about him at all. It'll be fun for you and the kids. That's the point.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 24-Dec-16 07:26:39

I agree with them. Yanbu

DoosyFartlek Sat 24-Dec-16 07:29:21

He's being utterly selfish and not thinking of the kids, the extended family or you. As long as he's happy, sod everyone else.

Does he usually want to isolate you and separate you from loved ones?

My husband would miss us but be supportive. If your husband wanted to go, he should have booked the night off.

What was his previous bad behaviour?

DoosyFartlek Sat 24-Dec-16 07:30:03

My husband would also enjoy some childdree telling time

Lilaclily Sat 24-Dec-16 07:33:01

Is he always like this ? It sounds awful being married to such a control freak , where is his nice side ?

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