WIBU? Ex and kids over Christmas

[ems137]

I'm having a bit of a wobble over our Christmas plans and what my ex might (or might not) do.

So I have 2 kids to him, 10&9, we have been divorced for over 7 years. He is remarried, no kids. I am remarried with a toddler. Things have usually been amicable with us, down to the fact that he normally texts me his days to have the kids a few wks in advance for the month ahead. Whilst it's not ideal not having set contact I've very very rarely had to say "no sorry we have plans that day".

This year contact has become less frequent, he only has them 2 over nights a month. Usually collects 7pm Saturday until 6pm Sundays when contact does happen. He is more than welcome to much more contact than that but chooses not to. Over the past 4/5 months he's stopped texting me regarding arrangements and does it through kids, FAR from ideal as messages get confused etc, I have told him this but he continues to not text/call/email me.

So, he had them once this month, no arrangements have been made regarding any part of xmas or new year with me or with the kids. I have just done our big food shop now, plenty of fridge stuff, party nibbles etc to cater for all of us and we have a few family members coming to see kids also. I am now stressing that he is going to expect to see them Christmas Day or Boxing Day without prior communication.

WIBU to say I'm really sorry but I assumed you made other plans due to no contact and now we have family plans until Boxing Day tea time at the earliest?

Sorry it's long.

[cardibach]

He hadn't communicated anything, so I don't think you need to worry. If he does, would a couple of hours be a problem?

[Lilaclily]

Sounds an awkward situation

I don't think yabu

But I think you probably need something legally sorted in the new year

[Patriciathestripper1]

Yes I would go with that. He hasn't been i. Touch so hard luck. Maybe tell he he is welcome to drop presents off if he passing? Do you think his dp may be behind the less contact?

[abbsisspartacus]

Ask him? Instead of waiting text and say were you planning to see them?

[DailyFaily]

YWNBU, you have made plans, as most people do at Christmas time, why should your kids be disrupted? If he wants to see them (and they want to see him and it doesn't inconvenience you) then tell him he can pop in to yours for half an hour but that they won't be leaving with him.

[ems137]

We live an hour away (he moved) so he probably does 75% of the pick ups. If he was in the same town it wouldn't be so much of a problem.

I rarely say no and he's used to getting his own way, I hate saying no when we have genuine plans as I feel like I'm blocking access or something that's why I'm so worried.

I didn't feel it was my responsibility to chase him up, especially since contact has been dwindling.

[QuiteLikely5]

Tell him the kids like to see him......ask what the plan is........yes I think you would be u reasonable to deny him a few hours even at short notice.......for the kids sake I'd let them go

[Ihatethedailymail1]

Why haven't you asked him what his plans are? Then you don't need to worry.

[StewieGMum]

You aren't blocking access by saying no. He is blocking access by failing to communicate properly. You have every right to say no if you have already made plans in advance. Frankly, it is far too late now for him to ask to have the kids over Christmas / New Years. His loss for refusing to text you. Arrangements made by children frequently end up with miscommunications as kids forget/ get distracted/ don't recognise importance etc. If he wants to see his children, he needs to make effort.

[melj1213]

I know it is on him to arrange things, but rather than sitting in anticipation can you send him a text along the lines of:

"Hey Ex, I've realised the kids aren't seeing you over the festive period and I assume since you've not messaged me then that's the planned situation and you'll see them in the new year. However, if you do want to see them then they are only available at because we already have our christmas plans finalised based on your lack of communication. If you want to see them then, let me know by so we can adjust our schedule, and if I don't hear from you by then, I will assume that you won't be seeing them and will continue with our plans as arranged already."

That way you are clearly giving your Ex availability to se them should he choose to, so you don't have to worry about feeling like blocking access, but you are also setting out that since he won't communicate his own plans effectively, he'll have to fit into your plans, or not at all.

[Heratnumber7]

Something doesn't have to be your responsibility before you do it. It makes sense to me to text him to let him know which dates you have plans for, and that he is welcome to have DCs on other dates.