To never visit my mum at hers again

[DogsKidsandchocolate]

Today was our annual Christmas visit to my mum's house. We only see her a few times a year and we always travel there as she won't come to ours.
Usually it takes 2 hours to get there. However at this time of year it can take 3 hours or so.

I had already called and asked if she would visit here for a change as I'm currently 8 months pregnant and I'm struggling to sit for that length of time. But she wouldn't come here as she was busy, doesn't like coming etc.

So we set off at 7 this morning to try and beat the worst of the traffic. I text my mum when we were an hour away and again when we were 10 minutes away.
We arrived at 10:30 knock on the door and we can hear the dog barking but she doesn't answer. So I called her and she tells me she is walking the dog and delivering cards.
I said I knew she was lying because we could hear the dog.
She span me this story about how she had been walking the dog but a neighbour invited her in so she dropped the dog at home and was now at neighbours house. She claimed she would be ten minutes.

Half an hour later and there was no sign of her. So I called her again, she said she had been held up and would be 10 minutes for sure.

20 minutes later we spot her leaving the house 2 doors down. I was really annoyed because that means that she could see us in the car etc waiting for her. But I kept quiet for the DCs mostly.

So we are in the house and she seemed to think it was all ok because we would just stay at her house all afternoon instead of leaving at lunchtime like originally planned. I told her we were sticking to the original plan as the DCs need lunch and we need to drive back and we have other things to do today.

She then got in a complete huff and opened her Christmas present while we were still in the room. She then complained that she didn't like her present and she didn't want to give us our presents because we weren't staying.
She then went on a rant about how ungrateful we were.

I told her if she carried on we would leave now as we had only come to see her and she was spoiling the day. She told me that she was only upset because my dad was invited to spend Christmas day with us at the ILS house and she hasn't.

I pointed out that they invited my dad because he is very sick and last time she saw the ILS she was hateful towards them so they weren't going to invite her really.

She then said something offensive about ILS so I told her we were leaving and I was never visiting her house again.
She started crying and begging me to change my mind but I was pretty upset and so we left.

She keeps texting me telling me she is sorry but I can't keep her away from her grandchildren. She has also told my uncle and he has called me telling me how upset she is.

I don't want to make the effort to go there again. Admittedly I don't like going there anyway. The DCs aren't allowed to do anything there in case they mess with her stuff and she always finds something to lecture me about.

However she is the DCs grandmother and she does love seeing them.

[VodkaJelly]

She can't love them that much if she was happy for them to sit in the car outside her house for 2 hours after a 3 hour journey. I personally would never go again.

[Rockpebblestone]

I would try to forget about this over Christmas and hold off making any decisions.

Even if you were going to see her it would not be for a while now, anyway.

If anyone texts just say you'll have to think about it and things are not working well as they currently stand. Then if they text again just say you are too busy thinking about your impending birth and everything to be able decide what to do right now. Then avoid further communications until you are in a position to decide what to do.

Hope all goes well .

[luckylucky24]

She sounds really selfish. I wouldn't be making the effort again for sure.

[Lilaclily]

Awful situation

What if you'd all needed the loo on arrival especially at 8 months pregnant

I'd suggest if she wants to see the grandchildren she starts coming to you and if your uncle wants to intervene suggest he drives her

[Lovewineandchocs]

Hi OP congratulations on your pregnancy sounds like she has thrown an epic tantrum because your Dad has been "favoured" over her, he gets to spend Christmas with the GDCs etc. You are 8 months pregnant and don't need this stress! I would maybe give her a call and talk things through-during the call make it clear that you won't be able to visit her for a while, due to pregnancy and then you'll have a newborn to cope with. Tell her she is welcome to see the DGCs at yours. Has she arranged to come to you after the birth at any point? Essentially I would smooth things over a little, wish her a good Christmas etc then enjoy the distance for a bit 😀 It's sounding awfully like she has NPD and the uncle was sent as a "flying monkey". Have a great Christmas and all the best for the birth

[RandomMess]

She sounds toxic tbh...

If she loves the DC she can come and visit them at yours, although you then can't walk out when she's being a nasty b*tch

[YorkshireTree]

Nah. Don't bother. She clearly can't be arsed.

[Luttrell]

I'm 2/3s of the way through a book about recovering from being raised by a narcissistic mother - mine wasn't as bad as the examples in the book, nor as your mother - and you might find it quite enlightening. I can't believe so many other relatives, like your uncle, allow these people to get away with such poor social skill.

You did the right thing. She wanted you to dance to her tune. You didn't dance, she's pissy, and shell keep being pissy the less you dance. Try and keep any contact on your terms and enjoy the strength it gives you. But it's a rough ride.

[girlelephant]

She sounds horrid! Every part of it is unacceptable.

Agree with other PPs to try to forget about this until after Christmas.

Please do not visit this woman when your new baby arrives! Let her make the trip

[howtheheckdoidealwiththis]

I'm interested about the book you are writing, as the daughter of a heavy narcissitic. Can you tell anymore?

[Nanny0gg]

However she is the DCs grandmother and she does love seeing them.

Really? It's not noticeable.

After Christmas, just don't bother. She's treated you all appallingly.

What does your DH think?

[Badders123]

She doesn't love your children.
She would rather sit in a neighbours house watching your children wait for her
She sounds nasty, and rude.
I wouldn't put my children through that again.
And tell your uncle to butt out.
Get yourself over to the stately homes thread....it's enlightening.

[Mouikey]

I too would suggest neutral ground if you want to visit her again - gives you the chance to walk away if necessary. I would also be quite honest with her and explain factually what she has done today to warrant you coming home. People like this tend to 'forget' what they have said or done and a couple of months you will get your uncle calling again to say how unacceptable you're behaviour has been. Be clear, firm and not emotional (she will respond with emotions of all sorts). It is neither helpful to you or her if you don't spell it out and the impact her behaviour has had.

Alternatively you could try and smooth it over because it's Christmas, but then she has got away with it and will use similar techniques in the future to get her own way.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

She loves seeing the DCs as long as you make all the effort. She loses out on seeing you all on Christmas Day because she couldn't be civil to your in-laws and strops because she got called out on it. Your dad isn't well so she probably feels he's somehow getting more attention. Your uncle got dragged into it but I bet she didn't tell him how long she made you wait before greeting you and letting you in the house. It's sad but she brought it all on herself.

Really I would focus on your family and impending new arrival and leave any big decisions until the new year.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

howrheheck no one is writing a book.

[Lireal]

Bin her. She sounds unhinged. Your dc will surely be better off without.

[Lovewineandchocs]

mouikey yes that's a good point about her getting away with it. I only mentioned giving her a call to smooth things over a bit as the OP-although her DM behaved appallingly-may be feeling guilty about the way the day ended. She shouldn't, but she might. A call during which she is pleasant, wishes her DM a happy Christmas, but at the same time is firm, makes it clear why what happened today was unacceptable, and sets out her expectations for the foreseeable future, may help ease her mind a bit.

[tooclosetocall]

What Vodka said

YANBU.

[Ellisandra]

I would have to ask her why she left my children sat in a car for 2 hours.

Then I wouldn't bother with her ever again. Seriously, she's a bitch!

Interesting that you say she loves to see them - not she loves them. All about her.

Complained about her present and refused to give presents IN FRONT OF KIDS?

Who needs that shit in their lives?!

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

She's extremely rude & selfish - in several ways, in one short post, I hate to think what else you put up with!

Definitely her turn to visit you if she wants to see her Grandchildren - if you'll have her. I'd be reading her the riot act about my expectations of her behaviour before she gets there too.

[Mrskeats]

Her behaviour was awful and I wouldn't take your kids there again.
Eight months pregnant and she lets you sit outside waiting for her.
For me blood is not thicker than water. Focus on your own family I say

[confusedandemployed]

She sounds nasty and spiteful. Fancy letting her heavily pregnant DD and apparently beloved DC sit outside waiting for her. Pure nastiness. I guess she'll expect you to visit again soon, with a newborn. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I'd not be making an effort any more.

[harderandharder2breathe]

Yanbu she sounds very hard work!

Don't let her guilt you over "can't stop me seeing my grandchildren" because yes actually you can, and it doesn't sound like she has much of a relationship with them anyway. Your kids will be fine without her.

[FetchezLaVache]

You had me at I'm currently 8 months pregnant and I'm struggling to sit for that length of time. But she wouldn't come here as she was busy, doesn't like coming etc. tbh...