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To refuse a visit from my horrible uncle?

(18 Posts)
CherryChasingDotMuncher Fri 23-Dec-16 13:56:29

My uncle on my dad's side moved to South Africa when I was a child and we randomly kept in touch (Christmas cards etc) til dad died 4 years ago, when we tried to make more of an effort with each other.

However since then I feel I really don't want him in my life.

He has an 11yo son who he had custody of in SA, DCousin saw his mum in the school holidays. Uncle is 70yo, an older dad so to speak.

There's a few reasons why I've been thinking of cutting contact, namely -

1. I was pregnant with DD when dad died and we got back in touch with DU, he knew I was in labour as he rang to wish me a happy birthday. I told him I'd call, or get mum to, when I had the baby (my mum and dad split before my 1st birthday BTW so they weren't SIL/BIL any more but sent Xmas cards and round robins etc). I was very ill after giving birth and when I could finally have the energy to check my phone I had 17 missed calls off DU and a few angry voice mails - mum had told him I'd given birth and had a rough time but he was annoyed I didn't answer to speak to him.
2. He visited U.K. the year after with his son, who I met for the first time. His son is really lovely 11yo, and very pleasant. However my DU was extremely inappropriate in his visit. Aside from giving 1 days notice that they were coming to our town, DU was cross as we didn't let him stay on our sofa. My grandad (on mum's side) lives down the road and he offered his spare room (something we didn't have at the time). I didn't think a (overweight) 70yo man and child would be comfortable on our sofa and we had no z-bed or anything, so I thought it was a good solution but he kept saying how rude we were. He also ogled at nearly every woman in the street, asking my DH if he thought 'her over there' was sexy (at one point a girl who was perhaps 15 or 16) which my DH was mortified about. We took him for a meal to our local pub, our treat, and he spent the whole meal making loud racist remarks.
3. He's a born-again Christian and really shoves it down your throat. He stayed in our home town over a weekend and I thought he'd like to visit our local cathedral. Not my thing, I'm not the least bit religious, which he knows, but I wanted him to have a good time. He spent the whole time telling me how me and DD would end up in hell if we didn't believe in God and talking about how we are sinners etc. Made me feel very uncomfortable. I waved him off on the train after the cathedral trip and when I got home I found leaflets about converting to Christianity in my handbag. I was furious he'd been in there, I must have put it down for a moment and not realised
4. The worst thing is something he did earlier this year. He announced some time ago he was moving back to U.K., but not near us, in his own hometown 200 miles away. He came back, got a place on social housing and a PT job. All good so far, or so we thought. A week after his arrival the police knocked on his door and arrested him for kidnapping. He never told the mother of his son that he was moving back to the UK, the poor woman had been trying to get in touch and panicked, went to their house where the neighbours said they'd emigrated. Like here, in SA you need permission to take a child out the country from the NR parent. He was placed under house arrest (which he didn't abide by, he travelled all over UK the following few days to visit family) and a judge decided my poor cousin would go back to SA to live with his mum and the case would go through he family courts there

So, DU stayed in U.K. and cousin is back with his mum in SA, they're awaiting a custody hearing date I believe. My uncle has sent me a few emails about how Cousin is 'so traumatised' by his mother's actions (?!) and how British police are disgusting etc, taking zero responsibility. I sent a card to cousin and his mum with my email address in if they wanted to catch up.

My mum gave him my last home address and phone number (without asking me), both of which have changed, and she messaged me today to say DU has been trying to get in touch with me about a Xmas visit and can she pass on my details.

Was IBU to tell her no, he makes me feel uncomfortable and what he did to his son and ex-wife is disgusting and I'm not interested in another visit? We have a spare room now so he'd expect to stay and I'm on the brink of giving birth to DC2.

Mum thinks I'm being horrible and unfair, (then again she's a bit of a misogynist too and apparently can't see anything wrong with anything he's done, cousins mum is a 'lunatic' etc etc) that blood is thicker than water and he's the only family left on dad's side so I should keep in touch with him.

PuppyMonkey Fri 23-Dec-16 14:00:42

Sounds like time for you to come down with a terrible case of norovirus to me. wink

TaliZorahVasNormandy Fri 23-Dec-16 14:06:03

Blood might be thicker than water but it certainly aint as pure as as water.

Tell her no he cant have your details and if she does any way, she aint welcomed again.

sarahd100 Fri 23-Dec-16 14:06:34

As much as he's your family, I would have to say I agree with your actions. Some people just take and take, and if you're not happy with it then you're within your rights to say no!

Cherrysoup Fri 23-Dec-16 14:07:55

I would be very clear to mum that she absolutely may not pass on your details and that you want to cut contact. He sounds like a complete loser. Why would you want him in your life?

scootinFun Fri 23-Dec-16 14:08:16

Let her know you are happy to retrieve any cards from her house but on no account let this waste of space back into your home. Bet she wouldn't be so keen to host him!

peekyboo Fri 23-Dec-16 14:34:27

Christmas is far too full of Shoulds anyway, and wanting to camp out in your living room when there is a spare room close by is kind of odd.

If he was a more kindly bigot you might feel like keeping in touch, otherwise I'd steer clear.

redexpat Fri 23-Dec-16 14:47:18


KurriKurri Fri 23-Dec-16 15:48:21

He sounds like an appalling old shit - I'd have nothing to do with him.

Hissy Fri 23-Dec-16 16:11:16

Your mum can put him up, but you don't have to,

He's a slime ball and not someone you'd want near you in a million miles

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 Fri 23-Dec-16 16:17:20

Family schlamily.
Put your foot down. Firmly.

humblesims Fri 23-Dec-16 16:19:21

YANBU Life is too short to be accommodating rude arrogant misogynistic horrible people. You dont have to put up with people like that even if they are family. You just dont.

pklme Fri 23-Dec-16 16:31:14

Absolutely not! He sounds vile. I'd also worry about why he was so keen to be in touch with me, to be honest.

ConvincingLiar Fri 23-Dec-16 16:35:15

You wouldn't be friends with someone like this so why should some shared DNA be relevant?

pklme Fri 23-Dec-16 20:32:54

I'm struggling to believe anyone would expect you to!

HeyRoly Fri 23-Dec-16 20:48:13

Point 1 is enough reason if you ask me.

HarryPottersMagicWand Fri 23-Dec-16 20:53:36

Ugh YANBU. It's got sod all to do with your mum and just because we are unfortunate enough to share blood with some people, doesnt mean we owe them any sort of relationship.

QuackDuckQuack Fri 23-Dec-16 21:11:58

Wow! He sounds like he has no redeeming features. I don't think you should let him near you or your family. And you need to make it crystal clear to your mum that she mustn't give him any contact details for you. It sounds like the type of situation where she might 'accidentally' give him your address 'to send a card to' because she doesn't agree with you.

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