Friend criticising parenting?(36 Posts)
Don't know if I'm just being unreasonable and oversensitive, but was visiting my best friend who's just had a baby. She also had a five year old girl. The new baby was premature and recently out of hospital and I've dropped things numerous times, to help her with things such as childcare, apppintments and shopping etc.
My baby is 14 months old and when we were visiting she was due her lunch. I was feeding her in my friends high chair in her kitchen and gave her something she'd never tried before. Her reaction was to spit it out into her hand and throw it on the table. I didn't think this was a big deal, it was less than a spoonful of food and was onto a wipe clean table. I jokingly said that she would be reminding my friend what it was like to have a toddler. she quickly replied that her five year old had never thrown food when she was a toddler. I was surprised and asked,"really? She never threw food?" She then said, "she wasn't allowed to."
This really hurt and does not seem like a big deal, but I felt it was a direct dig, as if I was lacking discipline for my baby. I was hurt and replied, well neither is she, but that's what babies do. She said again, that hers didn't and that had never once thrown food?!? WTF?!
She did lots of things with her lg when she was a baby that I disagreed with and would never do, but I never once said a thing as that was her choice. Examples include, putting her in her own room at 5 days old so she got a better sleep, having her stay at her grandmas every Friday and Saturday night since she the first weekend she was born, so she could have free time, pureeing her food until she was 4, refusing input from a physio recommended by her nursery as she didn't think it was necessary and giving her fizzy juice and hard boiled sweets from two years old. I disagreed with all of this, but never once commented as I don't see this as my business.
My baby is 14 months and no one has made me feel the way she did. I know I'm probably being completely over sensitive, but felt it was a dig at my baby's behaviour and my (lack of) parenting skills.
no you are not being over sensitive!
I'm not a parent but, I do know there's no baby/ toddler that has not thrown food! She's a liar.
Hard boiled sweets from two years old?!!! Choking hazard not to mention teeth damage.
Yeah exactly! I don't believe her either. She has some very strange ways and fixed ideas about things. Completely agree about the hard boiled sweets being a choking hazard. I've previously had to stop her giving my nephew hard lolly pops when he was a baby.
She's been a good friend over the years and I think I'm going to put this down to tiredness and not thinking on account of the new baby, but I'll be ready to tell her to beat it if she makes any more comments like that. I just made my excuses and left and it's a shame, because she struggled with PND in the past and her dh is not the most supportive, so I've really been trying to be there, but now I feel like backing off a little.
She either isn't being entirely truthful or she has blanked it out.
Mine always got food everywhere at that age. Occasionally by throwing it.
No parent sets out to allow food to be thrown, but it happens to just about all of us and we take steps to discourage it when it does. It is a boundary that children of that age are still learning and I would bet that here was no exception.
Tell her that you felt judged by her pretence at being the perfect parent.
but felt it was a dig at my baby's behaviour and my (lack of) parenting skills
You're being silly. She said her kid never threw food. Maybe she didn't some kids don't, may she's forgotten. But what she didn't say was any comment whatsoever about you, your parenting, your kid or any of that. You are all upset over a very basic comment.
Are you feeling insecure about your parenting?
I think you have been extremely judgmental about your friend in the past. You haven't vocalised it, but you have really judged her choices.
Because of this you will now assume she is judging you. Maybe she is or maybe she was just making conversation very badly as she's got more stuff going on at the moment.
Other people's judgement only affects us if we give it meaning. You might be assuming she's thinking similar unkind things, like you thought about her.
She might just be boasting about her parenting skills to bolster herself a bit, as she's feeling a bit exposed with the shift from one to two and the stress of the premature arrival.
It isn't really possible to throw puree.....she is probably telling the truth seeing as the kid had that for meals until a year ago. That in itself is strange as she pureed the food and gave hard boiled sweets! Bonkers!
Forget it xx
It's easy to be judgemental about other peoples kids once yours aren't babies anymore...she's just blanking out any 'bad' behaviour from her own DD.
It's like the older people in supermarkets etc who look down at you when a baby/toddler cries. They forget that their own kids acted the same one day! Ignore her, not worth a second thought!
Well you obviously have very different parenting styles, so don't worry about it.
I wasn't upset at her saying her dd never threw food, this is a silly statement that I didn't feel was directed at me in any way. The comment that I felt was a dig was the way she said "she wasn't allowed to". As if I was letting my child run amok.
I agree with a pp, you're so used to judging her in your head that you think she is doing it to you. And even if she is, well, its no more than you do her, so whats the difference?
The thread title is a bit misleading. She didn't criticise your parenting at all.
She may have judged it. But you've provided rather a litany of judgements about her parenting, so I'd be inclined to be more charitable about a silly (probably) offhand comment.
Simple statement about her own parenting, not yours. You have to read in an implied criticism and I think that may or may not have been there.
You asked. She replied.
You felt criticised, she didn't criticise you.
OTOH, you've critised her on a large public forum.
You sound like you think you are a much better parent than she is and you are outraged that someone like her has the cheek to comment on your parenting (even indirectly)
Also, she has just had a prem baby so is probably feeling a bit wobbly.
You said something trivial to her, she replied with something equally trivial. You then brood on it and draw up a list of things that prove that she is a worse parent than you.
Maybe you need a break from this friendship? Not a complete one but perhaps a step back.
Her child didn't throw food when she was a toddler because it was puréed!! Forget about the comment - it may or may not have been a dig but don't worry about it. Move on!
What a storm in a teacup! You can't discipline a baby as you well know. All babies get in a mess with food. You know this also, that's how they learn. I also agree that this friendship could do with a break. You're getting into tit for tat judginess. Which is a sentence I've never written before!
Definitely back of
She sounds off her rocker and life is too short for people like that
YANBU. She sounds judgmental and a bit stupid. If her little girl really never threw food on the ground then it was purely by chance not through her genius parenting. It's totally normal and healthy for a toddler to be experimenting with food, all part of the learning process. She's 14 months not 4!
ugh she sounds so weird!
I have nannied for many babies over the years... THEY ALL THROW FOOD!
Silly woman, I wouldn't be seeing her as much of a 'friend' tbh.
My best mate used to make comments about my youngest (same age as her oldest) saying I should 'just put him in bed' and 'not allow him to get up early'. I just smiled and nodded. My oldest slept through from 12 weeks and has never changed. Ds just isn't interested in sleeping! It's not like I haven't tried. I did find it difficult to keep a smirk off my face when she was bemoaning the fact that her 2nd baby (now almost 1) won't sleep a wink.
In short, if she's a true friend, smile and nod. If she's not worth that, don't see her anymore!
I remember looking in horror at some weetabix on my friends skirting board which toddler had thrown. dD1 was a dream to bring up. Didn't cry, not throwing food, we really thought we were the most marvellous parents and we had it all under control.
Our next three removed this thought completely!
I had -several- similar things with an ex friend, except she was the OP role in it. One regarded her DS getting into and demolishing a box of chocolates. She said something to me like she bet I was dreading going through that sort of thing with DC2 to which I replied 'not really, we keep stuff like that well out of the DCs reach'. That got twisted into how much I judged her and how nasty I was denying my DC chocolate. They aren't denied it BTW, I just don't leave it lying around my house because I know my DC will be too tempted by it. I answered her question that was all.
I realised like others are suggesting that it was because she constantly judged me so expected me to be constantly judging her. Despite the fact I was often telling her
because of her need for constant validation how well she was doing, which I did mean genuinely. But this is now one of very many reasons why she is not my ex friend.
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