Argument with Family

[Altogethernow]

Nc'd for this one and feel free to flame away if I deserve it.

My dh and I are relatively well off. This is due in part to us both having reasonably well paid jobs, but mostly due to dh inheriting a large amount from relatives. Because of this we have a very low mortgage and buy ourselves (probably too much) stuff that we enjoy but don't really need.

Recently I agreed that my dh could spend a not inconsiderable amount on a new car, and we would remortgage to cover this cost plus having a new garage built (since our old one was pretty much falling down). It was all sorted out, but we discovered we needing a bridging loan for a couple of weeks to cover the garage being built. We were fully prepared to do this through the bank, but I spoke about it to my mum and she said she had the funds and was willing to loan it to us.

Anyway, everything goes fine to begin with. Work starts on the building, the car is purchased and all the money comes through so I tell my mum to give me her bank details so I can pay her back. She doesn't do this even after a couple of requests, and the next time I speak to her she tells me she doesn't need it and to keep it for a bit incase we need it for anything else.

Then the builder tells us our house is subsiding and should really be fixed. Me and dh discuss how we can afford for this, including claiming on insurance, reselling the car etc. At this point I have another chat with mum asking if she is really sure she doesn't need the money back, and if we could pay it back in large monthly instalments instead. She says she is more than happy to do this.

So cue yesterday, I visit her and she totally flips at me. My mum is not very well off. She has a low paid job, but has very large savings. She goes mental saying that she didn't know dh was buying a car (which she did, we both told her and he showed her pictures of it) and that she never has nice stuff so how dare we ask her to help effectively buy this for him and she wants her money back right now. she kicked me out and I left in tears.

It all escalated from there, my dh had a go at her for shouting at me as he thought it was unfair. My brother then got involved and proceeded to tell me I had been hugely out of order for even asking my mum to help out.

So that's my question. Was I awful to ask my mum for the original loan? Was I even more unreasonable to accept her offer to keep the money, which she made before we even knew we would need it.

Thanks if you made it this far btw, and I know money is always a difficult issue. We have never asked for financial help before, and never plan on doing so again now.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Personally I think remortgaging your house to buy a car is outrageous!

I never ask family for loans either because emotion comes into it.

[TeenAndTween]

tbh It reads as if you spend money on unnecessary things rather than having savings set aside for rainy day items. It also sounds as if you think nothing of borrowing (from Mum or mortgage) for an overly expensive car rather than one you have saved up for.

[FloralBarbourCoat]

Did you actually ask her or did you have a conversation about what was going on and she offered?

If you asked- then you are both being unreasonable. As an adult you shouldnt keep running to the bank of mum and dad- especially if you have more money than her. She is however being unreasonable and acting like a wally when you told her that your DH was buying a car and you have made the effort to give her the money back

Your DH has added fuel to the fire by arguing with her though. I think thats quite a childish thing to do if im honest and doesnt really leave you with a leg to stand on as you are now both in the wrong

[user1480946351]

Yeah, I think it was a big mistake asking your mam. You have well paid jobs, and a large inheritance, and a low mortgage. You shouldn't be remortgaging for cars, or getting bridging loans. And you certainly shouldn't be asking your low paid mother for loans.

You sound like you have frittered what money you have and now can't pay for your house sinking. You're in a bit of a mess, but you are old enough to sort it out for yourself without going to parents with a cap in your hand.

[happychristmasbum]

Sorry I can't imagine why anyone would remortgage to buy an expensive car.

Why would you do anything other than use your buildings insurance to sort out the subsidence?

[Altogethernow]

Yes that is true, we don't save. We do overpay quite considerably on our mortgage instead however. It is not something we thought nothing about doing we discussed it at great length.

And I agree that to me a car is an outrageous expense, but they are his great love in life and he works very hard to be able to now afford it.

[lastqueenofscotland]

But if you have to remortgage your house you can't afford it

[Altogethernow]

And yes we could have sorted it out without my mum. We were fully prepared to. But she offered and seemed happy to help

[FlyingElbows]

Do you not have to have your house surveyed when you remortgage? How did a surveyor not notice your house was subsiding?

[dollydaydream114]

If I was well off I wouldn't be accepting loans off people less well off than me, even if they offered - I would have declined her kind offer and gone to the bank. I accept what you say about your mum having plenty of savings, but she isn't going to be working forever and those savings are there to give her a comfortable retirement.

Basically, you have got into this difficulty because you chose to remortgage your house for a flash car instead of making sure you had some money aside for unforeseen issues. Your priorities are a bit weird and I can see why your mum isn't happy.

[FloralBarbourCoat]

So she offered you the money rather than you asking for it OP?

[pudcat]

If you have to remortgage to buy a car then you are not relatively well off. He cannot afford the car if you have to remorgage, have a bridging loan or borrow off your more. Why have you not saved some money. Sell the car and pay your debts.

[Altogethernow]

Yes she offered we didn't ask

[PJBanana]

You're living well beyond your means!

You say that your husband works hard to be able to 'afford' cars, but if you're at a point where you're remortgaging and getting a bridging loan to do it, then no, you can't really afford it!

It sounds like there was some miscommunication with your mum, but seriously, instead of spending gods knows what on non-essentials and massively overpaying your mortgage, you need to learn to save some money too.

[FloralBarbourCoat]

Then mostly, YANBU. I do think your DH needs to send a quick text apologising for arguing with her. It wasnt necessary.

[harderandharder2breathe]

Yabu to remortgage for a flash car

Yabvu to take money from your mum for a flash car

Sounds like you need to stop the fun purchases and get some savings so you don't need to borrow money from your low earning mum (she will very likely be depending on her savings for retirement)

Sell the car, pay your mum back, borrow any extra money you need from the bank to fix the subsidence, start saving for yourselves instead of relying on someone else.

[Notonthestairs]

You are over paying on your mortgage and remortgaging- is that a cheaper way to borrow money? (I genuinely don't know btw)
Really I wouldn't have asked for the money in the first place, especially as there is a clear financial disparity between you already. But she did agree and was relaxed about you paying it back. So YABU but so is she.

[bloodyteenagers]

Having to get a mortgage to buy a car isn't being able to afford a car.
Affording something means saving
Up for it.
And yes you wbu asking your mum for help.
If your that well paid, to be able to afford this then you should have saved.

[winewolfhowls]

My mind boggles at remortgaging house to buy a car.

[Nicknameofawesome]

I would have either not taken it or insisted on giving it back when the mortgage was sorted.

However you have done 3 things I consider stupid:

Not claimed on insurance for subsidence.
Got a mortgage to buy a car.
Not saved a thing despite having a good amount of disposable income.

Give your mum her money back asap. Claim on your insurance for Subsidence.

I would also argue that if you can't afford to buy a car without taking out a mortgage then you buy a cheaper car or save up. The car will loose half its value as soon as you drive it off the forecourt. I am Assuming it's a new flash car of the uber expensive variety or presumably you would just get a cheap car loan or save up...

[ChicRock]

Ah you're those "well off" types that are well off in loans, remortgages, assets but with no actual ready cash available for a rainy day or emergencies.

Shame on you for taking money from your mum who is working a low paid job, to effectively fund a new car. Disgraceful.

[Altogethernow]

I tried to pay my mum back. She wouldn't take it and told me to keep it incase we needed it. Even right now I am trying to give it back to her but she won't take it.

We didn't borrow the money for the car. We would never have got the bloody thing if we had known about the subsidence. We would have resold it. But my mum said she would help, and we agreed to pay her back in 6 months

I probably sound like an awful person. I realise taking the loan in the first place was wrong,but it was offered and seemed like the best answer.

But I am listening and agree iabu. I just thought the sudden turn was also a bit unreasonable

[dowhatnow]

Just talk. apologise if there was a misunderstanding, and arrange to pay her back asap.

[Wishimaywishimight]

If I had to borrow money in order to buy something then I would absolutely not consider that as being able to afford it. If you are so well off then why don't you just save? I would never accept loans from family, in my experience money comes with strings attached. I would rather borrow from a bank if it was absolutely necessary. Your mum was nice to offer but your response really should have been "no thanks mum, we have it sorted".

[HerodZackHunt]

If you have subsidence surely you'd claim on the insurance? What if they start work, find issues and the cost triples? Bit late to involve insurance then.
You both sound financially very immature. If you have good jobs your number one priority should be a cushion against misfortune. Cars can wait and I say that as a petrolhead.