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To think my marriage is over?

(15 Posts)
Moocowface Thu 22-Dec-16 12:49:44

DH and I have been together 7 years, married 4. We have a one year old DD.

We met under somewhat unconventional circumstances via a BDSM website.

Our sex life was very good in the early months, but for two years now, we've not had sex.

We were trying for our DD for two years before having IVF. The reason given was unexplained infertility, however, the actual reason is that my DH could only manage to have sex once per month, and even then, he didn't always reach orgasm.

As soon as we started IVF, he stopped having sex with me. I constantly bring this up as a source of intense frustration, and he promises that he will try harder. He even saw a sex therapist for a grand total of four sessions. He says he found the process of ttc very difficult.

Anyway, I can count on one hand the amount of time we've had without the baby since she was born a year ago.

By happy coincidence, she is at nursery this morning, and my DH is off work. However, he has spent the last two hours doing a not very important task, and I'm at home alone.

AIBU to expect he'd want us to spend time together? Even without sex?

EggysMom Thu 22-Dec-16 13:08:25

If you "constantly bring this up as a source of intense frustration" then maybe he's found something else to do this morning because he doesn't want to be pressured yet again.

If this were a man "constantly" asking a woman for sex, he'd be told to back off, to take things very slow, to have intimate time with no pressure of it leading to intercourse. Maybe we should advise you to do the same?

Drop the subject for a while. Give him space.

RhodaBorrocks Thu 22-Dec-16 13:13:58

When he had sex therapy, did you go along too? Your post implies he went alone.

Often, psychosexual counselling is much more effective if you have it as a couple - it helps to identify the differences between you and try to help you find a balance.

Moocowface Thu 22-Dec-16 13:20:34

I mentioned it once my entire pregnancy. Post-baby, I left it 4 months before asking. Since then, I've asked once or twice every couple of months. Is that excessive over two years? I don't know sad

He went to therapy alone. He wanted to do it that way. I'd have joined him had he asked me to.

I'm really lonely.

Strongmummy Thu 22-Dec-16 13:22:33

Does he only reach orgasm/get turned on if you indulge your bdsm fantasies? Have you changed your love making style? FWIW my hubby and me don't do it much, but it isn't particularly important to either of us. However if you view sex as vital to a healthy relationship I can understand your frustration

Moocowface Thu 22-Dec-16 13:35:15

He went off kink after we'd been together a while. Said he found it too difficult with someone he cared about. That was a bit of a shame, but wasn't the end of the world for me. I was totally prepared to dial down my sex drive for him and was coping ok (sort of) when we were having regular sex one per month. I'd prefer at least once a week.

But just nothing for two years? He is otherwise affectionate and caring. But I'm only 37 and a totally sexless marriage seems unfair.

Dayatatime Thu 22-Dec-16 13:41:03

I feel your frustration. My DH and I went from a regular sex life to an almost non existent sex life when I got pregnant and took a long time til we got up to once a month when we started ttc again. At first we both had high sex drives but mine has stayed high his has flat lined. It's horrible to feel so rejected. The fact he went to therapy alone suggests he wants to hide something. You say you met on a bdsm site suggests that one of you was more dominant than the other. Has he lost control over you now there is a baby taking priority. Is he now seeing you in a different light? Does he no longer see you as a dominant? Communication and honesty is key. Take it from me nip this in the bud things don't get better on their own

PavlovianLunge Thu 22-Dec-16 13:42:50

Any relationship entails compromise from time to time; it sounds like your DH isn't going to go back to having sex with you any time soon, if ever - can you compromise your needs to that extent? It sounds like you could do, but you shouldn't have to.

If your DH is willing to have more counselling - ideally with you - things might improve. If not, I don't think you would BU to consider your marriage over.

Have you though of posting in relationships as well as here? There are a lot of very wise, empathetic posters there.

Good luck.

PavlovianLunge Thu 22-Dec-16 13:44:00

Not that there aren't wise, empathetic posters in AIBU, but you know what I mean.

Daisyfrumps Thu 22-Dec-16 13:46:08

So he can only get off with people he doesn't love? And he refused to go to a sex counsellor together? It doesn't sound like he wants to change anything.

Rixera Thu 22-Dec-16 13:47:06

Has he spoken to you about why?
This may be not at all your situation but my OH and I used to have a d/s relationship. The longer we were together and more intimate we got the more I felt terrified and avoidant of sex. I couldn't but the pieces together at the time but it was all because of my traumatic childhood experiences, and the feelings of closeness/recreation of abuse activities got too much.

I was too afraid to address it in therapy at first and would either submit to him and dissociate, or find excuses to avoid. He was clueless and felt hurt. Now I'm addressing it we still DTD quite rarely, once every month or so, but with healthier context.

ifonly4 Thu 22-Dec-16 13:56:15

Putting the sex side of the issue aside, are you actually together in the house quite a bit, or does he disappear to do other things a lot.

Life can be pretty mundane, we need to do the practical things, just sit there and not do much sometimes, so sometimes if doesn't feel like you're doing anything special. We'll probably have a day in the house over Christmas doing just that with me casually walking past and mentioning something but we're happy with that here as it's nice to have every one in the house which rarely happens.

dollydaydream114 Thu 22-Dec-16 14:09:47

He went off kink after we'd been together a while. Said he found it too difficult with someone he cared about.

Well, I think therein lies your problem. He probably only really gets turned on by BDSM sex and can't get excited about sex without that element - but he finds the BDSM thing difficult psychologically in the context of your loving relationship. Plus, the stress of trying to conceive and being expected to 'perform' for that reason has obviously taken its toll on him.

So, either he'll need to overcome his mental barriers in terms of having BDSM sex with you, or he needs to overcome his lack of interest in 'vanilla' sex somehow.

I think you need therapy as a couple, to be honest. He probably feels absolutely terrible about the whole thing, particularly if you frequently bring it up. He may be avoiding you because he's worried that if he spends time alone with you or shows affection, you'll expect sex which he doesn't want to provide.

Most of your post is about sex, but then you say 'shouldn't he want to spend time with me' and that you are 'really lonely' almost as an afterthought. There's a big difference between wanting more sex and wanting more quality time ... unless sex is the only sort of quality time you can really envisage having with him, which I suppose could be a bit of an issue if you initially met through a fetish website and that was the first thing that fuelled your relationship.

Moocowface Thu 22-Dec-16 14:13:13

Our BDSM dynamic was more a bit of light s&m. The loss of it is no big deal really.

I am a SAHM. DH is usually out the house 7am to 7pm, but we spend time just the three of us at weekends. However, that's not massively relaxing for me as I've always got my eye on DD's routine and needs whilst he remains largely oblivious. He changes her or feeds her or puts her down for a nap if I ask him, but he is not responsible for her, if that makes sense.

However, he's currently on four weeks parental leave, so we are both around the house and yet, I am still responsible for all childcare decisions.

I wasn't even massively bothered about sex, or even mentioning it again. Just totally confused as to why - when we never get any child free time - he was so quick to find something else to do. I did ask him if he needed to do the particular task this morning and he muttered about taking advantage of the baby being at nursery. Eh?

hutchblue Thu 22-Dec-16 14:38:35

It seems like intimacy and sex don't mix for him.

I don't know how you recreate kink when are you intimate with someone.

Kink is the unexpected? The taboo? The surprise? The unknown?

Intimacy is everything that kink is not. It's safe, it's warm, it loving, it's known.

I would suggest you see a sex therapist yourself - even alone to get some advice about how to handle this. I'm sure there are ways to move through it and find a way. I'm sure you're not the first person to experience this.

Don't just ask one therapist either, search search search. You won't always get the best advice from the first person you try.

Also try googling it. I'm sure it may be discussed online.

BDSM and intimacy and floundering relationship. Kids etc. What do other people do.. There may well be help online already, and this in hand with talking to someone may get you back on track.

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