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To not want to spend ALL my inheritance on my wedding?!

(138 Posts)
December2016 Wed 21-Dec-16 20:40:14

I've NC'd for this as the circumstances are outy but I'm a long timer.

My DP and I are getting married next summer. It's not going to be a huge extravagant thing but we between us have a lot of family and friends- the guest list is currently at 130- so it's not going to be cheap either; we're aiming to keep it around the £10k mark which is pretty good value for a Home Counties summer wedding with a nice church and reception venue with halfway decent food. We're paying for it ourselves with family contributions here and there (my Mum is paying for my dress, his parents are paying for the cake and photographer- we've got mates rates on both).

At the moment we're living in DP's flat which he has on a shared ownership help to buy mortgage. We don't have a joint bank account, I just transfer him £500 a month. At the moment that money is going into our wedding fund, and he's adding another £100 himself, so we're saving £600 a month together.
Here the bit I'm not too happy about. My DGM passed away in April and left me £5000. When we found out how much she had left me (which was after we got engaged) DP said something along the lines of 'ok, well that'll get us halfway to our target.' and at the time I didn't think to argue. Since then it's just been taken for granted that all my inheritance would be going into the wedding fund.
After a long probate process, the money landed in my account today. And the more I think about it (which I have been quite a bit recently to be fair), the more I feel quite resentful at the idea of spending it all on the wedding- it's the only inheritance I'll ever have and I could do so many other things with it- pay off my student loan for example, or learn to drive- both of which DP has already done. When I've brought this up to DP he's pointed out that a- without it we'd have to save up for at least another year to be able to afford the wedding we want, and since I'm refusing to have kids before we're married and I'm already 31 we don't really have oodles of time to play with, plus we've already booked and paid deposits and sent out save the dates, and b- that when he eventually gets some inheritance all of that is going to go towards our future too. I do see what he means, but I still feel a bit annoyed about this and I don't really know what to do. Any advice?

ssd Wed 21-Dec-16 20:45:08

hhmmm.....I would be thinking twice about the actual marriage if this is a sticking point already...sorry

Candlestickchick Wed 21-Dec-16 20:48:11

If the budget is already set at £10k and you've set the date for next summer, surely you are able to save up enough without the inheritance?

I think spend it on something your DGM would be happy you spent it on - if that's the wedding fab, but if it's not don't be pressured. It is actually your money not his, and it's not like you're not contributing to the wedding.

BTW - £10k for 130 guests in Home Counties is good work!!!

SquedgieBeckenheim Wed 21-Dec-16 20:49:13

I wouldn't be happy with that. A wedding is only one day, it's the marriage that is (hopefully) forever. To me an inheritance should go towards something like a house deposit, or paying off debts etc.

HairyToity Wed 21-Dec-16 20:49:21

No idea. Don't put it in wedding account immediately and save really hard for wedding. Then maybe some can be rainy day money and some wedding money.

Starlight2345 Wed 21-Dec-16 20:50:43

I think it sounds like there is a lot of financial inequality here...What are the plans once you are married, when you have discussed what happens financially once you have children?

I can completely understand your POV..I got £1,000 from my grandad ..I spent it on a holiday as I always wanted to be able to say it went on something..

Joinednow Wed 21-Dec-16 20:51:39

Tell him what you have said here. If you are ready to get married then you ought to be able to discuss finances without any problem. Finances and children are the two most important factors to discuss openly before getting married imho

memyselfandaye Wed 21-Dec-16 20:53:01

Put 1k in the wedding pot, set aside 1k for driving lessons and use the other 3k for a car.

Learn to drive before you have kids, if you don't you will keep putting it off cos you'll never have the money, time or inclination to do it after you have them.

To me driving is freedom, I would hate to be without the car.

HighDataUsage Wed 21-Dec-16 20:53:04

I would pay off all or part of student loan asap and book driving lessons with the remainder if there's any left. It's your money to with as you wish and I would spend ratger than save it before I got married if I were you.

harderandharder2breathe Wed 21-Dec-16 20:54:17

Why have you got things booked if you haven't saved/planned to save enough? If you have to save for longer would you be flexible about kids before marriage?

I would use it to learn to drive, a useful life skill that will actually be beneficial to you both especially when you have children.

TheNaze73 Wed 21-Dec-16 20:54:29

You need to tackle this head on with him. I think you'd be crazy to spend that on one day, if you're having second thoughts about the money. You could invest it shrewdly & pay off your debts to boot

Arfarfanarf Wed 21-Dec-16 20:54:57

You could flip it. Atm you want to use your inheritance to pay the debt (sensible tbh and i certainly what i would do) and save monthly towards the wedding. Swap it round - Use the money to have the wedding then use the money you would otherwise have paid montly to make extra payments on your debts and pay for driving lessons.

You could scale down your wedding if the money is better spent on more important things.

marciagetscreamed Wed 21-Dec-16 20:55:28

Your first mistake was telling him about the five grand.

That little perk should have gone straight into your "fuck off" fund.

Just kidding! Hahaha!

So you don't pay towards mortgage or bills but you are putting £500 per month toward the wedding, is that right?

I have to agree with the pp, I'm not sure you should be feeling resentful before the wedding. Resentment is for when the kids arrive.

Do you feel like you contribute more than him financially? If it's a sticking point maybe bring down the budget for the wedding?

sonlypuppyfat Wed 21-Dec-16 20:57:22

I got married in a registry office with 3 guests, best day of my life. Even if I was a multimillionaire I wouldn't spend all that on a wedding

December2016 Wed 21-Dec-16 21:00:29

I know my DGM would've been happy for it all to go on the wedding- she was very impatient for us to get engaged, bless her (as it was, at the time she died DP had picked the ring design and it was being made, so she only just missed it sad) and always said she'd contribute to the wedding, but I very much doubt were she still alive that she'd have subtracted that from what she left me. But the way it's turned out that's essentially what's happening.

I don't think we can save up the entire amount in time- the £600 a month we're putting away at the moment is pretty much the most we can afford. Financially we're not that intertwined- the mortgage and all the household bills are in DP's name, I give him £500 a month to cover my share - although as I said at the minute that's going towards the wedding instead. We buy food pretty much equally, split most meals out etc. So far we've not had any reason to change that arrangement. When we have kids, if he's earning enough I'll be a SAHM, if he's not then I'll work.

chocfireguard Wed 21-Dec-16 21:02:17

I had an amazing wedding day, but do slightly resent how much was spent for just one day. What mattered and what I ultimately treasure, is the people who were there, the effort they went to and the love they showed us. If you already have reservations, I think you will only resent it more after the event, if all of your DGM's money is spent on it.

Gallavich Wed 21-Dec-16 21:05:08

You got stuff booked already and a savings plan so why do you need this money as well?
If you put the £5k in the wedding fund what would happen to the £600 a month you would otherwise have saved?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Wed 21-Dec-16 21:06:40

Goodness keep it for driving lessons or loan payment - no - do not spend it on wedding!

HeddaGarbled Wed 21-Dec-16 21:06:41

YANBU. I would stick with the original date but trim the costs. Halving the guest list would be a good place to start.

Blink1982 Wed 21-Dec-16 21:09:59

Sod the student loan. I finished in 2008 and don't ever see myself paying it off. I'd definately learn to drive though that will be a god send when you have a family.

December2016 Wed 21-Dec-16 21:12:05

I know to some people £10k is an absolute fortune to spend on a wedding, but getting married in a church is important to me, the place we're getting married is important to both of us and we want our whole family and our friends there. It's a big guest list but there's no Aunty-Joan's-next-door-neighbours-gardener types coming- those are the essentials!
At the moment I don't need To learn to drive, nor do I need a car (DP doesn't have one at the minute either) I live a 5 minute walk from the train station with a very regular service and there's nowhere I'd drive to that I can get the train to just as easily.
I suppose resentful is the wrong word to describe how I feel about it, but I can't really think of the right one.
We booked it etc with the assumption that the £5k would constitute half the budget and we'd save up the other half. I guess the uncertainty (about the money, not about marrying my DP, I hasten to add) has built up since then.

DixieWishbone Wed 21-Dec-16 21:12:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chewbecca Wed 21-Dec-16 21:14:18

So how much will you have in wedding fund at the date of the wedding if you don't put this in?

indigox Wed 21-Dec-16 21:14:47

If you can't comfortably afford a £10k wedding, which it appears without this money you can't, don't have one.

Crumbs1 Wed 21-Dec-16 21:16:17

I worry about this wedding. When we married, a while ago to be fair, we 'became one'. The idea of his money and my money never came up. It is all our money. The idea that his inheritance/bonus/lottery win would be any less mine than his would undermine what marriage is about.
If you need to learn to drive, then it should come out of the money you, as a couple, have. It might need to be after the wedding.
The student debt becomes a debt for both of you, surely?
Feels like you haven't had those essential pre marriage conversations about equality within the partnership (essential if children follow marriage), financial arrangements and decision making.

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