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To think that it is sometimes impossible to get over someone?

(39 Posts)
Therealbridgetjones Wed 21-Dec-16 20:07:49

Earlier this year, after a very difficult break up, I started dating a wonderful man. He is incredibly good looking (just my type), funny, interesting, well travelled, huge circle of friends and in a very good career.

We dated for around 6 months until our work took us both in separate directions and we called it a day. We still met up on a few occasions but he is now abroad.

We last saw each other in November. I have since moved to a new city.

I'm massively struggling to get over him. I know there is no chance of us getting back together either and he has moved on (not with someone else but mentally I think he has drawn a line under things).

I think about him practically every minute of the day and how he used to make me feel, what we used to do, replaying memories. I want to believe I will move on but I just turned 27 and it seems all the men my age or older want young girlfriends. My friends agree that I won't find another man like him and it all just feels so hopeless.

AIBU to think that I genuinely will never meet someone else that matches up to this guy, and that it sometimes genuinely is impossible to find anyone else?

BobbieDog Wed 21-Dec-16 20:11:09

It's natural to have someone who is the one that got away.

Are you sure there is no possibility for a reconciliation?

echt Wed 21-Dec-16 20:12:23

You're 27.

I met my future DH at 38, so you've lots of time.

Mumto2uk Wed 21-Dec-16 20:15:04

You obviously are in love with him the way you talk about your feelings. If I felt that way about someone and I didn't know for sure he wouldn't ever want to rekindle, I'd fight for him and find out for 100% one way or the other. At least then you could fully try and move on. Sounds like you are in limbo. Hope everything works out for you x

Therealbridgetjones Wed 21-Dec-16 20:23:16

I don't know if he won't ever want to rekindle but I have laid my feelings out to him and he doesn't think it could work with the distance so I know I need to let it go. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I am more invested than him anyway. And the only way for me to let go is to cut contact (in my opinion). Only that doesn't stop me thinking about him and worrying that I'll never get over it (I do worry every day).

In all other aspects I'm a sensible, successful woman but on this I am just stuck.

YouMaySayImADreamer Wed 21-Dec-16 20:23:35

I felt like this about someone once. People talked to me a lot about how you get over a broken heart but it was consuming me like you describe. I couldn't stop thinking about him and I honestly couldnt see how I would get over it.

I had no contact for a few months when I thought, im going to call him. One last attempt and then I would always know at least that I had tried and it was then out of my hands. I called, he said he felt the same and we have never looked back. We are now married with two DC. I will never know if I would be over him but I honestly dont think I would. It is worth a try.

CockacidalManiac Wed 21-Dec-16 20:24:33

Situations like this are very difficult and painful. I've had a very similar experience, so I feel for you.

StarlingMurderation Wed 21-Dec-16 20:25:20

Cut contact. Going cold turkey is incredible hard but in the long term, staying in touch with someone who doesn't want a relationship (for whatever reason) while you still do, is torture and doesn't allow to to move on with your life.

peppatax Wed 21-Dec-16 20:25:56

Watching with interest - currently 'on a break' from my DP and consumed with sadness that he might not feel in the New Year that he wants to be with me still. Any coping strategies gratefully received! I've never had a 'break up' before when I've felt like I won't be able to get over it.

YouMaySayImADreamer Wed 21-Dec-16 20:26:52

Sorry, cross post. But yes cut contact. Before I did this, he had said it wouldn't work, and we had agreed I was more invested etc. which was a killer to hear.

I cut contact not out of spite but because it was upsetting me and giving me false hope every time I had contact. It made the day to day much easier as I wasn't waiting for a message in hope everyday.

CalleighDoodle Wed 21-Dec-16 20:27:36

Can you not move abroad? At 27 you are young and have the time to work abroad. If it still doesnt work, youve still had a big adventure.

Therealbridgetjones Wed 21-Dec-16 20:27:47

Not sure if we cross posted Dreamer but I have laid my feelings on the line a couple of times and he insists he doesn't want a relationship.

Ironically this happened to me a few years ago and I am now over this guy but it took so long and I just can't go through that again. Now that I'm older I also feel that time is running out for me.

I guess I just need hope!

StarlingMurderation Wed 21-Dec-16 20:28:04

I had a very similar situation, and after a few months, I cut contact altogether. I thought to myself, see how you feel in a month and at the end of the month, although I still wanted to get back in touch, I knew I was starting to heal so I didn't contact him. Two months later I met DP, we're now engaged, own a house together and have a two year old DS. I doubt any of that would have happened if I'd carried on pining after the ex.

Therealbridgetjones Wed 21-Dec-16 20:30:04

Calleigh, it's really complicated. He's just moved to one country but won't be there long before he moves to another. Me moving to be with him has never been discussed as it would just be impossible (military guy).

Therealbridgetjones Wed 21-Dec-16 20:31:50

It's now been a month since I saw him and two weeks since we spoke but I'm still consumed by it!

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo Wed 21-Dec-16 20:34:39

I broke up with my DP due to distance. We both ended up together again after nearly 3 years apart. Approaching 4 years together now and just bought our first house.
A break now doesn't mean forever, a bit of a break may be what you both need to reassess

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Wed 21-Dec-16 20:38:07

He seems to have made it clear he is not interested so I agree you need to cut contact and do anything to stop thinking about him, an epic round the world trip.

If he had not made his feelings clear I would be saying try and ask him, but there is nothing you can do. In fact cutting contact may make him think again about whether he wants to loose you.

trickycat Wed 21-Dec-16 20:38:40

'My friends agree I won't find another man like him' This is ridiculous frankly. Who knows who is in your future?

You are 27. Anything could happen. Put yourself out there.

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo Wed 21-Dec-16 20:40:59

Sorry OP my previous answer is no help to you since he has made it clear he isn't looking for a relationship at the moment.
I agree with the cut contact suggestion.
Also have words with your friends for being so stupidly unhelpful by saying you won't find someone else as good!

Candlestickchick Wed 21-Dec-16 20:41:35

Break ups are horrific and feeling like you'll never meet anyone who matches up is how I felt when I broke up with my ex. I was suicidal for several months and took many months of therapy before I felt even vaguely human. Could see no point at all in life or in me without him as I just didn't think anyone else could match up.

Fast forward18 months and I met my now fiancé. I am genuinely so much happier with him than with the ex.

Keep heart! I am sorry for what you are going through but stay strong because I felt the same way you did and I was wrong - there was someone out there for me who more than matched up to my ex, and there will be for you too flowers

KatieScarlett Wed 21-Dec-16 20:43:07

Your friends are stupid.
You are 27, in your prime.
Keep the NC up, he knows how you feel and isn't interested. It's time to move on.

Candlestickchick Wed 21-Dec-16 20:43:09

To add - I'm not suggesting you'll need therapy or whatever like I did (complicating factor for me was ex was abusive), I only mentioned that to demonstrate that I genuinely thought there was nothing else for me.

SaucyJack Wed 21-Dec-16 20:43:25

Mate... you're 27 and you had a six month fling with him.

He won't the final chapter in your autobiography. Trust me :-)

TheZeppo Wed 21-Dec-16 20:44:55

I hear you. I still have to work with mine. I'm 34, I definitely feel like time is running out. My heart is still broken and he's moved on (though I know he still cares for me- he's a good person).

Xmas makes it all that little bit worse, but I've decided in the new year to move jobs and stop talking about him. I'll never move on otherwise.

I think there will be room for someone else. I see it like he is filling up my heart and head but there is a tiny amount of room at the side. Hopefully someone new will slit into that tiny gap and grow- pushing him out in the process.

Patriciathestripper1 Wed 21-Dec-16 20:45:58

It dosnt have to be a negative thing thinking about him. It is similar to a bereavement in a way, when all you are left with is a longing for the other person and the memories you made with them. It is always somehow worse when you know they are still out there somewhere.
Don't try and forget him or not think about him. Allow yourself time to heal and be glad you had that time with him.
Take up a new hobby that puts you around others, so you are able to meet people.
I know it sounds corny but if you challenge yourself with something new and get out of your comfort zone e.g., learn to ride a horse, or something equally challenging, you will open up other avenues for yourself. Distractions are always good and something good could come out of it for you.

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