To want to see as little as possible of them?

[Violetoo]

My mother in law and sister in law.

There is of course a back story in as much as they have never really liked me very much but they try to cover it and are usually smiles and friendly when my husband is around.

My husband asked his mum if we could drop our children off with my mother in law and sister in law today, so that we could go to a meeting that we couldn't really bring them along to.

After the meeting I arrived (alone) to collect the children at the agreed time. My 2 year old melted down as he hadn't had his nap. They just stood from a distance and watched me try to get his shoes and coat on with bemused looks on their faces. My 3 year old then also melts down (!!) but no offer of help from anyone. My mother in law kept saying "he was really good while he was with us" on repeat.

No one in my circle of family or friends behaves like this. People try to help, or say something kind when you are struggling with an overtired child. They usually empathise. My in laws just look on as though they are weighing up how I manage/talk to the children. It makes me feel so judged and I come away wanting to avoid them for a long time.

I am dreading Christmas Day.

[Coffeeisnecessary]

I feel your pain. I could have written this myself. No advice just don't want you to feel alone!

[Violetoo]

Gosh I am glad I'm not the only one! Just need to vent and also would be so helpful to develop a coping strategy so that next time it happens I am not left feeling so fed up.

[Birdsgottafly]

This might not be the case, but I can't do right for doing wrong, when my Granddaughter (from my DD) is having a tantrum, so I "look on" probably with a bemused look on my face.

[Rixera]

Me too. They called my daughter, aged 13 months at the time, spoilt.
My approach is to give up on them. Used to invite them, care about what they said, now I'm all about bare minimum civility.

[luckylucky24]

Well they helped to create the problem so I would delegate. "Ds3 go to Granny and she can help you get your shoes and coat on, sip can you please gets Ds 2's coat whilst I try and get his shoes on please."
It is possible they don't know how to help or if you want them to.
Also possible they are just a pita but without back story I cannot say more.

[Birdsgottafly]

Also, children always play up when Mum turns up, your MIL should know that, so that bit is out of order.

[Violetoo]

3 year old's meltdown was because he was hungry.

MIL had a very large roast in the oven almost ready and they did not ask if the children would like to eat. That part also made me feel quite unwelcome.

The backstory is just that they have, since day one, pretended to like me but always spoken negatively about me behind closed doors and sometimes even to DH in the early days.

[MuppettsXmas]

They sound like dicks - I don't blame you for wanting to give them a wide berth. Life is too short to spend it with people who bring you down. Focus your time and energy on the family and friends who are there for you & support you.

[BeachyKeen]

I can see both sides here. They were wrong not to offer help getting the kids dressed to go, especially if you clearly need help.
As to the roast, if I was your MIL, I would have thought: oh, she's trying to get the kids dressed and out of here, they are tired and hungry and need to get home to snack and nap. Once they are gone, time to check the roast, see if it need another 10 minutes and then let it stand while I scrape the carrots and set table.
Not in a mean way, but a right from the oven roast isn't what you offer someone trying to dress kids to go home. They totally could have tossed them a granola bar to go or something

[pklme]

Ah, but beachykeen, you don't let kids get over hungry, either. Even if the timing doesn't suit the main meal, a glass of milk and a piece of fruit will go a long way.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

That's a big assumption pklme. We don't know they hadn't just had a glass of milk and piece of fruit.

[BeachyKeen]

Yes, a piece of fruit , a granola bar, of course they should have offered something quick , but I just meant I wouldn't have been thinking to offer the roast.
The child shouldn't go hungry, but I wouldn't have interrupted her getting the kids dressed either, hence offering a snack to go.
Ideally they kids would have had a snack earlier, and everyone could have lent a hand to dress the kids

[MadisonAvenue]

I could've written that.
My mother in law isn't quite so bad now and I do get on quite well with her but I have huge trouble trusting my sister in law. I know I've been talked about behind my back, and in the past they've commented about me to my husband.

They've now both moved 200 miles away from us (and are spending their time irritating each other) and I do my very best to avoid visiting. Thankfully my husband understands how I feel and is fully aware of what they're like so puts no pressure on me to join him when he visits, which due to the distance means an overnight stay.

[allowlsthinkalot]

I wouldn't want anyone to interfere if my child was having a tantrum and my friends don't either. Perhaps your in laws just defer to you as the parent instead of interfering?

[mummymummums]

My in laws are the same. Really unhelpful, and awkward over everything. MiL very obviously and openly favours DD over DS so he always ends up distressed and then she tells him off. Just horrible people actually. I visit as little as I can, as I'm not standing by while my DS is treated appallingly, but I know very well that they slag me off to anyone and everyone for marginalising them - obvs without mentioning how they behave. I just have to accept that they're in our lives and try to minimise the damage! I feel for you OP

[pklme]

Well, OP said DC3 was hungry... I wouldn't offer them while child is tantrum ing, obvs. I just wouldn't let a little one go very long without a top up. Perhaps because my boys were a nightmare if allowed to get hungry. It's the kind of reason some grandparents don't get to look after DCs very often, because they can't be attentive enough to fairly basic needs. Toddlers are high maintenance!