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AIBU?

Presents from NC DM

26 replies

GinAndTeaForMe · 21/12/2016 19:15

I currently have no contact with my mother, after years of emotional abuse. She is extremely narcissistic.

I have had no contact with her since the beginning of the year, however she has contacted me on a few occasion, each time resorting back to abusive ways, when I have spoken to her.

She has now sent Christmas gifts in the post for my DC. I feel uncomfortable giving them to him, however unsure if it is fair to him to withhold them. This is his first Christmas, so whilst he would be none the wiser, I would appreciate some advice as to what direction to go in with this...

OP posts:

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Hissy · 21/12/2016 19:20

Just give them away, to charity or something

You're NC, leave it like that

biddleyboo · 21/12/2016 19:20

Place marking to see replies...I'm in a similar situation but my kids are older. I feel as if I have been put in a lose lose situation to look like the bad guy but the truth is she knows I want no contact but is disrespecting my boundaries.
Will be interested to see the advice
for you op whilst you are waiting!

ChristmasTreeKisses · 21/12/2016 19:23

I know MN doesn't like this phrase but DC is your child so it is your choice. Give them away to the charity shop if that's what you want to do. Don't let your DM control your behaviour on this.

Rainydayspending · 21/12/2016 19:24

You make decisions to protect your children until they protect themselves. Return presents. Do not allow yourself some guilty scenario where your mother is "missing out" because of your choice. Her unacceptable behaviour caused this.

DeadMorose · 21/12/2016 19:24

I would send them back or give them to charity.

FlyingElbows · 21/12/2016 19:28

No contact has to mean no contact. The second you accept gifts you've made contact. You can refuse to accept delivery of parcels sent to you or you can just give them away. Ok it's embarrassing when you have to explain to a bemused florist that her flowers are beautiful and it's not them but who they're from but you've got to be hard line on it. Remember why you made your decision and remember that if she's not good enough for you she's not good enough for your child. Put the guilt back in the box and see those gifts for what they are.

FlyingElbows · 21/12/2016 19:28

Don't send them back! Sending them back is contact.

knaffedoff · 21/12/2016 19:33

Hmm not sure, the gifts are not for you. Surely you can pass the gifts to your children and let them decide whether to keep/charity shop.

Are you nc with anyone else in your family? If so do you send gifts to their children?

Rixera · 21/12/2016 19:35

I may be alone here but I'd say keep them... No amount of gifts will repay the hurt so she owes you everything she has.

If my NC family choose to send me money, I spend it on things for the baby. They profited from my misery for so many years, cash is the least they can do.

puglife15 · 21/12/2016 19:38

Given he's none the wiser and doesn't have a relationship with her is ditch them.

Is you keep them every time you look at them you'll think of who they are from.

Do you want him to have a relationship with her?

It can't be easy to go no contact, well done on making a tough decision and sticking to it.

EssentialHummus · 21/12/2016 19:39

Straight to the charity shop, do not pass Go, do not collect £200.

NotTodaySatan · 21/12/2016 19:42

I'm in a similar situation but the presents come from ex-DP's father who he is NC with.

Ex tells me to keep the presents as the DC don't know who they are from (the come in Amazon boxes, I chuck any message inside from him) and enjoy them simply as Xmas/birthday presents. It makes me uncomfortable as I have a very low opinion of the man having seen the disgusting way he has treated Ex over the years but I let him make the final decision as it's his father.

I think sending them back would be taken as an inflammatory 'fuck you' and just isn't worth the hassle.

GinAndTeaForMe · 21/12/2016 19:54

Thank you biddly, right back at you.

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GinAndTeaForMe · 21/12/2016 19:56

Knaff, I have contact with all other members of my family.

Pug, no I definitely don't. Certainly not in the near future anyway. That is a good way to look at it.

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GinAndTeaForMe · 21/12/2016 20:00

Flying, I never thought of returning as a form of contact, but do agree with you.

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knaffedoff · 21/12/2016 20:23

Thank you for responding, if you are expecting gifts I would send a text asking for no gifts to be sent, advising that these will be disposed off via charities. I know this is contacting but to explain, my sibling went nc with me (not my choice) )however we were asked not to send cards, letters or postcards. But sibling has then sent a postcard about their holidays addressed to my kids We send presents for birthdays and Christmas, I feel if we are nc I shouldn't do this, however by not sending a gift to my niece and nephews it will be used to criticize and manipulate others against me further. It's not easy whatever you decide.

knaffedoff · 21/12/2016 20:25

Too add I only send gifts as we receive them from my nc sibling

GinAndTeaForMe · 21/12/2016 20:27

I appreciate you sharing some of your story, knaff, especially from a different perspective. It is such a difficult situation.

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knaffedoff · 21/12/2016 21:06

It's a horrible situation, gin but to be honest maintaining the relationship was no easier. It's Christmas and a time for forgiveness and friendship, but life isn't always that simple

allowlsthinkalot · 21/12/2016 21:11

I give them to my kids when I receive them. I'm not altogether comfortable doing so and would prefer that they weren't sent but I haven't got a better idea. One day we will move house I'm sure, which will solve the problem.

Sending them back would be contact.
Accepting them feels like the wrong message.
Damned if we do, damned if we don't.

GinAndTeaForMe · 21/12/2016 21:14

Allow, would you ever donate them to a charity, or do you think this is doing wrong by the DC?

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ThisThingCalledLife · 21/12/2016 21:17

you know what? keep the gifts if you like them/can use them but DO NOT contact her.

Let her keep wondering about how you handled it.
If any flying monkeys ask, say you never received anything - must have got lost in post!

allowlsthinkalot · 21/12/2016 23:05

I don't think it would be doing wrong by the dc. I do have a feeling that they aren't my things to give away and I suppose I feel too guilty to give them to charity.

I also have the feeling of wanting to be the bigger person somehow. I fear it would make me seem malicious or unreasonable.

I don't think there is any harm to dc from receiving them. So I give them. It's not ideal but none Of this is.

GinAndTeaForMe · 22/12/2016 10:24

Thank you all for your replies. to all those with similar experiences.

I have decided to donate the presents to a charity.

Have a lovely Christmas.

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CaveMum · 22/12/2016 10:33

Sending presents is her way of trying to worm back into your life, or at least send you a "you can't get rid of me that easily" message.

Donating the presents to charity is definitely the best thing to do, that way she has no hold over you or your child and if anyone comments that your mum sent gifts you can say with a clear conscience that you are resolute in being NC and that you have not and will not accept anything from her.

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