Have NCd for this. I apologise in advance as it is going to be long winded.
Backstory:
Me and DH have known each other since we were primary school age- lived in the same village, went to school together and he then re located to the USA with his parents aged 13.
He and his parents moved back 5 years ago when they retired and we met up again. We married 2 years ago and have a 14 month old baby girl and im pregnant with number two (just found out and thinking about annoucing on Xmas day)
DFIL died 6 months ago from cancer. MIL took it quite badly and as DH is an only child we uprooted our lives and moved across the country to be with MIL.
The set up is this: MIL inherited a farm house from her parents (there was another family member living in it while they were abroad) and there is a granny flat which she is living in and we live in the main house with DD and pay her rent.
DH has never had a wonderful relationship with MIL- she is a heavy drinker and smoker and very critical of his life style choices. However, DH can also be a spineless twat- which I dont doubt is because his self esteem is so damaged by MIL. They have argued many times over the past years and couple of months- the most recent was a six week period when MIL refused to talk to DH or me at all and would only come into our home to see DD. She wouldnt say a word to us, she would just waltz in coo over DD and take her into the living room/wherever and even if we tried to talk to her we would be met with radio silence or she would make comments to DD like "granny still isnt talking to mummy and daddy today is she?"
The issues
- We understand we are living in her home but she walks in without even knocking or ringing the bell. She has walked in us on some should we say incovenient times . She will storm up the stairs if we arent downstairs shouting and doesnt think twice about coming into the bedrooms without knocking- so yes she has caught us having sex and has walked in on me a few times getting changed.
- She will not wash her hands before feeding/holding/playing with DD. She reeks of booze and cigarettes and tries to sneak a fag while our backs are turned while with DD.
- At the moment DH works from home, I work from home 3 days a week and out 2/3 days a week depending on time of year (like at the moment its Xmas/NY so working 6 days a week until NYD). DHs job is quite intense and he does need to focus so cant always meet DDs needs so we made the decision to hire a nanny for 2 days a week. This caused the most recent argument with MIL who doesnt understand why we dont want our daughter being looked after by a narcissistic, chain smoking borderline alcoholic. We have tried to get her to go to counselling for her drinking and at least swap to an electronic cigarette but "its her choice" apparently.
- She is very critical of the choices we make for DD. She doesnt like that I didnt want to breastfeed, think it is cruel that she is already in her own room (has been since 6 months- she has slept throug since then and we were finding we would wake her coming to bed so we moved her) and the list goes on- clothes she wears, the pram she has etc etc.
DH is still struggling quite badly since loosing DFIl- he went to counselling, took time of work and was on medication for a while but it has given his confidence a big knock. He isnt very confident dealing with DD because of the way MIL has to criticize- I can ignore it, but DH takes it to heart.
We have tried talking to her until we are blue in the face. Moving back home isnt really an option as I have just started my own business here.
I guess I just wanted a moan