To think my MIL is a hideous old bat???

[FloralBarbourCoat]

Have NCd for this. I apologise in advance as it is going to be long winded.

Backstory:

Me and DH have known each other since we were primary school age- lived in the same village, went to school together and he then re located to the USA with his parents aged 13.

He and his parents moved back 5 years ago when they retired and we met up again. We married 2 years ago and have a 14 month old baby girl and im pregnant with number two (just found out and thinking about annoucing on Xmas day)

DFIL died 6 months ago from cancer. MIL took it quite badly and as DH is an only child we uprooted our lives and moved across the country to be with MIL.

The set up is this: MIL inherited a farm house from her parents (there was another family member living in it while they were abroad) and there is a granny flat which she is living in and we live in the main house with DD and pay her rent.

DH has never had a wonderful relationship with MIL- she is a heavy drinker and smoker and very critical of his life style choices. However, DH can also be a spineless twat- which I dont doubt is because his self esteem is so damaged by MIL. They have argued many times over the past years and couple of months- the most recent was a six week period when MIL refused to talk to DH or me at all and would only come into our home to see DD. She wouldnt say a word to us, she would just waltz in coo over DD and take her into the living room/wherever and even if we tried to talk to her we would be met with radio silence or she would make comments to DD like "granny still isnt talking to mummy and daddy today is she?"

The issues

1. We understand we are living in her home but she walks in without even knocking or ringing the bell. She has walked in us on some should we say incovenient times . She will storm up the stairs if we arent downstairs shouting and doesnt think twice about coming into the bedrooms without knocking- so yes she has caught us having sex and has walked in on me a few times getting changed.
   

1. She will not wash her hands before feeding/holding/playing with DD. She reeks of booze and cigarettes and tries to sneak a fag while our backs are turned while with DD.
   

1. At the moment DH works from home, I work from home 3 days a week and out 2/3 days a week depending on time of year (like at the moment its Xmas/NY so working 6 days a week until NYD). DHs job is quite intense and he does need to focus so cant always meet DDs needs so we made the decision to hire a nanny for 2 days a week. This caused the most recent argument with MIL who doesnt understand why we dont want our daughter being looked after by a narcissistic, chain smoking borderline alcoholic. We have tried to get her to go to counselling for her drinking and at least swap to an electronic cigarette but "its her choice" apparently.
   

1. She is very critical of the choices we make for DD. She doesnt like that I didnt want to breastfeed, think it is cruel that she is already in her own room (has been since 6 months- she has slept throug since then and we were finding we would wake her coming to bed so we moved her) and the list goes on- clothes she wears, the pram she has etc etc.
   

DH is still struggling quite badly since loosing DFIl- he went to counselling, took time of work and was on medication for a while but it has given his confidence a big knock. He isnt very confident dealing with DD because of the way MIL has to criticize- I can ignore it, but DH takes it to heart.

We have tried talking to her until we are blue in the face. Moving back home isnt really an option as I have just started my own business here.

I guess I just wanted a moan

[xStefx]

Moan away hun, she does sound like a old bat. The poor nanny, I bet she will have your MIL try to tell her what to do those 2 days a week :-(

[Missrubyring]

Maybe you don't have to move back home, but are you able to move out at least??

[ohfourfoxache]

Even if you can't move back home, I think you need to move to new accommodation at the very least. You need to get away from this woman

[CookieDoughKid]

Bldy hell - I stopped reading after 1. on your list. I would change the locks immediately. Yes you are tenants in her property but you have rights to live peacefully without uninvited intruders!! I think your boundaries with your MIL severely need resetting. You need to be a team with your DH and have a united approach with your MIL. And no way would I be stood hearing her uninvited criticisms. Thanks but no thanks is what I'd be saying to your MIL! Have nothing nice to say? Don't say it!

[Ellapaella]

She sounds revolting. I wouldn't be letting a heavy drinker spend a huge amount of time with my child, is she actually drunk these times she comes round stinking of booze? If it were me I would be moving out and living somewhere with your DH and daughter that is nothing to do with her and not allow her to have any kind of power or hold over you at all.

[WorraLiberty]

Move out of her home and stand on your own feet as an independent couple.

No-one can wipe their feet on you, unless you lie down and allow it.

[Daisyfrumps]

This won't change and your situation is absolutely impossible. I'm afraid you'll either have to move and rent somewhere else, or bear this until MIL either 1. She decides she wants help and things improve (and it's completely her choice - doesn't sound likely) or 2. She dies.

[AyeAmarok]

You need to move out. Can you?

This:

the most recent was a six week period when MIL refused to talk to DH or me at all and would only come into our home to see DD. She wouldnt say a word to us, she would just waltz in coo over DD and take her into the living room/wherever and even if we tried to talk to her we would be met with radio silence or she would make comments to DD like "granny still isnt talking to mummy and daddy today is she?"

Is absolutely batshit.

[KnitsBakesAndReads]

It sounds like you're paying rent to live in a very unpleasant situation. Would it be possible you to rent another home in the area so you're close to MIL but still have more privacy?

Regarding the smoking and drinking, I think you'd be 100% justified in telling her she needs to be sober if she wants to see your DD and that you won't tolerate cigarette smoking around DD because of the serious health risks it poses for a child. If she can't accept those rules then she can't expect to see your DD anymore.

[StewieGMum]

The only way this will change is if you move and do not allow MIL to have keys. TBH, going low contact isn't an unreasonable response.

[HardcoreLadyType]

I would plan to move out, somewhere local.

It really isn't working, living in her home.

[Daisyfrumps]

Is DH worried about disinheriting if you upset her by moving out?

[MrsExpo]

Didn't want to read and run! But totally agree with the others on this one. You have absolutely no alternative but to move out IMO and to do it as soon as possible. This woman is clearly unbalanced and utterly vile in her behaviour and treatment of you, your DH and you child. Find somewhere else to live and move without apology. Do NOT allow her into your new home unless you establish clear guidelines on behaviour (no smoking, no drinking, respect for your privacy etc etc).

[Julius02]

Has she changed or was she like this before you moved in? You say that she took it badly when her husband died and it was only 6 months ago - your husband is grieving and she may be too. I'm not defending her as the situation sounds horrible but she may be lonely and that is why she is drinking too much. If you don't feel that things will change you should move out.

[KatharinaRosalie]

She is.
You say you've tried talking, no result.
So unless you want to live like this until someone dies, you only have one option. move out. Honestly I would rather live in a bedsit with the entire family than in a castle with your MIL.

[PotteringAlong]

Move out, rent somewhere else.

[BarbarianMum]

Move out, and if you can't move out locally, move away and start again. You were frankly completely mad to move in. What were you thinking?

[WorraLiberty]

Is DH worried about disinheriting if you upset her by moving out?

That was my very first thought.

[CoraPirbright]

How linked to your address is your business? I think you need to move too - the situation is untenable.

[PizzaPlease]

If moving out really isn't an option at the very least put bolts on the doors and use them even when in the house. Do you have a contract written up for renting?

[SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies]

Actually, if you are paying her rent, you are living in HER HOUSE, but it is YOUR HOME. This makes her your LL, and amongst all other tenants rights, she has to give you a minimum of 24 hours notice to come into your house, which i think is usually for emergencies.
Lock your doors so that she cannot walk in on you. She is only getting away with this because your are enabling her to.

This way she HAS to speak to you if she wants to see her Gchild. And you CAN insist she washes her hands before handling your DD.

Take back control - and look up tenants rights.

And big congratulations on your new pregnancy

[FloralBarbourCoat]

I dont think DH is worried about inheriting- he just thinks he needs to put up with it like FIL did and I certainly cant put up with it for 30 years like he did which is a possibility as MIL is only 58.

Im not sure what moving in the area will do if im honest- she will just turn up everyday and DH is soft enough to let her in. He thinks it would be a shame for MIL not to see DD as DFil has passed and my parents live 400 miles away (they are coming for Xmas but it will be the first time we have seem them in 3 months) but at least agrees she needs to be supervised with DD.

I have lost all energy in arguing if im honest as ive had it since we got together. It was a little easier with FIL about as we lived further away and she had him but we got it over the phone nearly every day instead.

[FloralBarbourCoat]

I know it does sound terrible, especially as he does try his best, but I dont think DH helps the situation sometimes

[RatherBeRiding]

Why on earth did you move in with her? I'll bet my bottom dollar you don't have a legal tenancy agreement, and are therefore feeling that you don't have any rights as tenants to demand privacy etc. And she obviously doesn't recognise herself as your landlady and you as her tenants. She probably think she's doing you a huge favour and is therefore entitled to behave as badly as she chooses in her home (because she won't see it as your home!)

It won't improve. It sounds seriously damaging to all of you, especially the smoking around your child. I wonder how long before the nanny decides to quit?

Use the rent you pay her to rent your own place where you can live in peace and refuse her access. As for DH being disinherited - it might happen, it might not, but surely even if she does take her bat and ball home and write him out of her will it would be worth it? You can't continue to live like this?