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AIBU to have just gone NC with parents..... crying and shaking with rage

(76 Posts)
Dunkling Wed 21-Dec-16 08:52:18

Have just this second finally made the decision after decades, to go NC. Have deleted them from Facebook.

So as not to dripfeed though I have mentioned them before on here.....

Parents separated when I was nearly 2, brother 4, and Dad got us as Mum ran off with another man. Contact with her is cards only.

He threw us out when I was 2 and we went to live with grandparents as his new wife didn't want us.
We went back to live with him on my request when I was 13. It lasted a year.... brother thrown out and put into squalid flat at 17. I was thrown out and put into care at 14.
During that year I was verbally, emotionally and mentally abused by our stepmum. I was told know one would ever love me, I was worthless, I would end up in a mental home, likened to myra Hindley and ian bradey?????? It was bizarre and at least something I can now see was HER problem and not us. I was thrown out in the snow in my nightware. Dragged around a room by my hair. This was all her, but he watched it all and said nothing. Sat in silence.

The day I was thrown out, he told me to pack (what had I done this time? I had no idea). Within half an hour we were in his car, and he dropped me outside my mums, who I didn't know, in an area I didn't know, and left me and my belongings in the road and drove off.

Contact since has been sparse...... they divorced but over other relationships, he has still barely kept in touch, sometimes going years without seeing him. Round robin emails. cards etc.

Fast forward, he remarried. She looked like this could be the solution. Lots of mending mentioned etc. I bought a holiday home close to them to help with my depression and anxiety and I thought this would be the solution. One season in and I realised what a waste of money!!..... We would make arrangements for our next visit but they would cancel us when it came around, as they would have bumped us off for her family (who were at instant contact as all local to them). We would invite them out, but again, always busy with her family. Invite them around for a meal... the same.

I decided to cut our losses and sold up. Since...... and abusive sweary rant off her daughter on facebook messanger. PA posts from the wife blatantly aimed at me. My daughter hates my dad as he has barely seen them, never been a grandparent. I told him this... finally!! He called me a liar, said I always cancelled. I told him he was full of shit. I cancelled ONCE! He never visited them, emailed them, phoned them. That felt good!! Then she posted lots of PA posts on liars.

SO....... I became a grandmother and have posted photo on photo, and lovely posts at how proud I am. No comments from them. No joining in. Then today..... a post "They have visited all the family, had such fun etc etc. Seen all kids, grandkids, new great grandbaby (the one they haven't even acknowledged to me I have!).... Sorry to extended family if they didn't visit." This visit takes them past our house en route.

I can't get my head........ do they not see us as family? So an oversight. Do they and this was a cruel cruel deliberate post? Just..... WHY????

And so that was it... I unfriended them both and that is it. They are dead to me.

Newbrummie Wed 21-Dec-16 08:56:16

Block em to be on the safe side

Dunkling Wed 21-Dec-16 08:57:08

And to add...... my daughter, the one I have told them is hurt, will see that post! WTAF??!! Cruel beyond cruel.

originalmavis Wed 21-Dec-16 08:58:37

They are not family. They are merely biological relations and in-laws.

Focus on your own family. You can choose not to have this lot in your life. They don't deserve to have you in theirs.

Strongmummy Wed 21-Dec-16 09:01:13

Totally disconnect. I hope you are having support to deal with what they've put you through

PberryT Wed 21-Dec-16 09:01:37

Honestly they treated you like shit when you were young.

BUT this Facebook stuff is bonkers.

Saltedcaramel2016 Wed 21-Dec-16 09:07:14

From you post it sounds like your parents and stepparents have never prioritised you. After looking at all the stuff he has done I am not surprised the facebook post tipped you over. You are obviously better without them in your life. Some people really shouldn't be parents.

Enjoy your own family and forget them, they bring nothing to you. Sorry you have had such a difficult childhood and I hope that you surround yourself with people worthy of your love and friendship now and in the future.

krustykittens Wed 21-Dec-16 09:25:13

You did the right thing. They never wanted to be parents and you can't make them. Some people are just a waste of oxygen. I hope you have a good Christmas and a happier New Year without these people in your life.

YeOldMa Wed 21-Dec-16 09:35:19

I suspect if you remained in touch you would always be wondering where you came on your DF's priority list. The best thing about going nc is eventually you stop thinking much about that person as you are not being reminded of their failures towards you. I found it very healing with my DF who buggered off when I was a child, reappeared for a brief time with his new family but didn't want them to know who we were and wasn't exactly thrilled when I made him a GF. I walked away for 20 years but was reintroduced to the family at a funeral. We've made efforts over the last 7 years but, quite frankly, it is more painful than helpful. I am so low on their radar and they never make contact with me. I am considering going NC again just so I don't have to keep poking that open wound of abandonment...and I didn't even have the abuse suffered that you do.
Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish you luck. flowers

Heatherplant Wed 21-Dec-16 09:39:52

I went NC after years of grief from a sibling. I've never looked back. Block them on social media, focus on your own immediate family and enjoy a life without the drama x

FrancesNiadova Wed 21-Dec-16 09:40:10

Dunkling, don't waste any more of your mental energy on them. You have made a beautiful family who love and respect each other. You really don't want this set of DNA donors in your life because you're too good for them. They'll never acknowledge what they've done, preferring to gaslight their responsibilities away.
Focus on your DC and GC, they're the way forward.....don't look back. flowers

SeaEagleFeather Wed 21-Dec-16 09:44:18

Agreed you did the right thing in this circumstance. They bring you a lot of pain and grief and it seems very little pleasure or joy.

Blood does not a family make; it only gives you the genes to exist. Love and reliability are way more important.

Take care and I hope your daughter is not too hurt.

dowhatnow Wed 21-Dec-16 09:52:19

He has never been a parent to you. You have not lost anything because you didn't have it in the first place.

You can't change the situation, you can only change your reaction to it. Get angry at the fact that you have been dealt a raw deal. Accept its not you, but them. You sound pretty balanced considering what you've been through. Congratulate yourself on the fact that you've brought up a lovely family despite your upbringing. You don't need your parents or any emotional angst from them. Like yourself. I think you've done the right thing going NC. You probably should have done it years ago. If you expect nothing from them, they can't let you down.

Dunkling Wed 21-Dec-16 09:55:20

Thanks for the responses everyone. I posted a while back on something similar and how bad my depressions was and a very wise MNer said to cut my losses. I wasn't ready, and along came the static caravan in a last ditch attempt. I can't say I haven't tried but I wish I had listened then!

PBerryT.... yes, Facebook stuff is totally bonkers. I thought we were adults. None of it has been responded too. I didn't want to give her the pleasure but WTF? She is 60!

YeOldMa... Sorry you have had to deal with it too. You hit the nail on the head with that one word, ABANDONMENT! For 30 plus years I have felt abandoned and he can't even acknowledge that, and is indeed, gaslighting. Wish I could have seen it years ago. None of the children know the past, I wanted them to see him on their terms, and give him a chance to be a GP. At 15 and in care, I took an overdose, and took myself to bed, due to the feelings of being abandoned and unloved. He and my SM visited for 5 minutes. Told me they only came as my SS was also in the same hospital or they wouldn't have bothered. I was wasting the nurses time, I was selfish and would be lucky to ever get out of there if I couldn't convince the phsyciatrist I was sane and why I did it. Then left. THAT should have been the big clue to walk away! At 15! He recently told me he dumped me because he was mad at me. For what? I was so scared of them both I made every attempt to stay under the radar, invisible. I must have been the only teen to hate Fridays because I didn't know how to keep unnoticed all weekend.

timelytess Wed 21-Dec-16 09:56:58

Did they visit your daughter and her baby, and not visit you?

It doesn't matter. Whatever way they did it, they're horrible and you are better off without them. Dissociate from the pain. Observe it rather than feeling it. What you are doing is what is best for you.

StewieGMum Wed 21-Dec-16 10:04:12

You've made the right decision. You don't need their spiteful behaviour in your life. It is a massive step so please be kind to yourself. Lots of cuddles with your new grand baby and just relaxing with your real family. x

SeaEagleFeather Wed 21-Dec-16 10:04:35

I must have been the only teen to hate Fridays because I didn't know how to keep unnoticed all weekend.

<murmurs> no not the only one.

dunkling have you ever had some (skilled) therapy? It can be life changing for many people, if they can access it. The wounds of the past rarely heal on their own when you've been treated as badly as you were, though they can be lived with.

Dowser Wed 21-Dec-16 10:13:14

Awww. I'm so sorry you got the short straw when they dished out parents.

They sound like a right barrel of shite and you deserved so much better.

Cut them loose and live the very best life you can. It's the best way. Don't look back. Don't wish them any ill will. My friends says ' bless them and wish them on their way' . It's hard to do that as you'll have a lot of angry feelings.
You can't change them , only you and anger and depression can be so destructive.
Don't let them destroy you.
Here's a little thing you can do. visualise yourself in a bubble of light and them too in a separate one .You might want to do each one individually.
Imagine there's a silver cord running between you and them. Cut the cord at your side, their side and then in the middle so it can't re attach. When you've done that, imagine a gust of of wind just blowing the pair of you further and further apart.
Anyone can do this with anyone bothersome in their lives. You can do it with people you are close too but sometimes feel that they are ' feeding' off you, iyswim.

Sorry it's a bit rushed and garbled but I have a plane to catch and dh is giving me the evils ;-)

Newbrummie Wed 21-Dec-16 10:18:26

I have a question, maybe somebody can answer it. Once you've gone NC ... For the zillion th time. Why do they keep trying to get in touch? I genuinely don't understand why they don't take fuck off for an answer ?

yellowpostitnote Wed 21-Dec-16 10:28:35

new because they like/ want/ need to be in control of the contact/ non contact. They're controlling by nature, like to use others as a dumping ground for their emotions, pull others down to their level. No respect for others feelings or space.

I think - I'm not sure. I have to say I haven't experienced people like this in my family.

Dunkling Wed 21-Dec-16 10:31:47

timelytess..... it is my eldest son and his wife who have a new baby. They live 5 hours away from me. He is another of my children he has seen bugger all of. I'm surprised to be honest they made the trip! But while they did..... visiting her family that aren't near to them, my half sister from dads 2nd marriage, my brother...... they missed us out, while declaring how lovely it was to visit all the family. Knowing I would see it.

I feel free cutting them off. But how do I get rid of the anger, wanting to let everyone know WHY I cut them off. Knowing that, if I get all the re written history... what lies will be told, how it is my fault, skirting past what I have had to put up with! Why can't I let that bit go?!

That all reading that FB post will think that indeed, they DID visit ALL the family? That my gorgeous new daughter in law will wonder why they never bother with baby again? (I guilt tripped them by publicly repeatedly on facebook asking when they were going to visit her).

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado Wed 21-Dec-16 10:31:56


Some people can't bear it when their victims take back control. They HAVE to get an acknowledgement, a responseofsome sort. So they change tack and come over all nice-nicey and feeling hurt etc and then when they have succeeded in getting back in contact, the whole vindictive saga starts up again.

FaFoutis Wed 21-Dec-16 10:32:00

YANBU. I have similar 'family' and I know what you do and put up with just hoping that things will change. Understanding that they won't change is a big step forward. NC is nice and peaceful.

Absolute madness to live through the medium of facebook though.

toptoe Wed 21-Dec-16 10:32:11

How horrible - what a nasty family. This is and never has been your fault. You cannot fix your father and his wife. His is being deliberately cruel. It is a continuation of the abuse you suffered as a child.

You really have only one choice to stop them abusing you still - cut all contact. How sad for you to know that they'll never rescue you after abandoning you time and time again and allowing people to physically and verbally abuse you.

They don't deserve you or your child. If you are unable to free yourself for your own sake (which would be natural considering your abused past) then do it for your daughter and her children. They don't deserve this abuse either.

toptoe Wed 21-Dec-16 10:36:09

x post

Just tell everyone that they abused and abandoned you throughout your childhood, if they ask. You don't have to feel ashamed but I suspect you will as abused people tend to blame themselves at heart. It is their behaviour. If people aren't able to believe it, so be it. They will know that all is not right with them because you spent much of your early life in other people's care. They can scapegoat you til the cows come home but it is not your fault, you weren't bad or wrong, they are unkind people.

I would look into scapegoat stuff because you may find similarities there that may help you understand what they did. Bottom line is very fucked up unkind people are horrid parents.

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