Time alone without baby - how can I defend cousin?(56 Posts)
Me and DH are currently up staying with his family. I am eight months pregnant with my first child so have limited understanding of how difficult it is having a baby.
MIL and SIL were talking about their niece/cousin today (who I like and get on well with) who was having a day to herself, hair cut, massage, nice lunch etc... whilst her DH looked after their two year old.
Both were commenting that it was never done in their day - 'I don't get this need for time away from your child, I never needed it, I loved being with my kids' etc...
Now I'm all for DH spending time alone with DC when it arrives and I think time alone/time for fathers to bond is so important. But I got shouted down because of course I'll feel differently once the baby is here. I don't think I am wrong, but wanted views from people on here around how I can defend my cousin (albeit in law) for wanting and needing a break!
YANBU. I loved my baby but was dying for some time away. You're still a person after you become a mum and having time to yourself is important.
Breezily smile "Well, everyone's different aren't they - good for her"
And attempt to change the subject if they're gossiping.
It's sometimes best not to get drawn into these discussions at all as feelings seem to run high...
A two year old isn't a baby. Most people are back at work so have plenty of time away from
Baby. Their views are wildly out of touch!
Yanbu I am a sahm which I love but sometimes I need time away from my 2 year old and DH also needs to spend some time with him too!
To be honest it sounds like you'd be on to a losing battle with your MIL and SIL with this argument but I would say- start making it very very clear to your DH that you won't tolerate this when it happens to you. It's fantastic your cousin had a day to herself, you're completely right- it's great for the father/baby bond!
No one is in the wrong so you shouldn't have been shouted down, everyone feels differently, i've been leaving our baby girl with my husband since she was 3 weeks old so I could get my hair done. I got to relax and he got one on one time with his baby. We think it's important for him to have his alone time with her given he's out at work all day. Good for them to not be with mummy all the time too to try and reduce clingyness (i hope!!)
I'm just worried I'll be subject to the same gossip when our baby arrives. DH has an early finish on a Friday and already has plans to take baby out for an hour to give me a rest - I don't want them commenting on this and passing judgement.
Ignore them, and the first time your mil offers to look after your baby to give you a break tell her you don't need a break, you love being with your baby and you don't understand these people who need a break.
Of course, everyone needs a break and
some alone time every now and again. And I think it's awesome that your cousin's husband is spending time alone with their child while she does some things for herself. Personally, I think it's the sign of a heathy and trusting family dynamic.
Congrats on your pregnancy
Bloody hell there were times I could have handed my daughter to any old stranger just to have a poo in peace!
They're wildly out of touch and being very judgey.
I thought you were going to say 2 day old or something but a 2 yo?? Not a baby for a start and I bet they wouldn't say it about a man. It'd be all 'oh he works hard, he deserves some time off' etc etc. Unfortunately people like that will never change their opinion. Just don't tell them what you're doing when the baby arrives, they really don't need to know anyway.
They sound like they will gossip regardless of what you do - it may as well be for something you enjoy! Every mum I knew was keen to have a hour or two (or longer) alone no matter how much they loved their baby. I had to have hospital treatment weekly after my DS and I loved waiting in the waiting room - I'd go half an hour early to drink coffee from the machine and read ancient Take a Break magazines
Yanbu, they are being weird.
It's completely normal for a child to stay with their parent while their other parent does some things which they need or want to do.
I had this from my mother in law. I went back to work full time and his dad had him on Sat/Sun mornings so I could go to gym and have my haircut etc. So prob four hours a weekend. I was told the same thing why do you need to leave your baby, I never did in my day we wanted to be with our children etc. I hmmmd and changed the subject for a few weeks but in the end got so fed up I just said well in your day you had to look for dinosaurs etc so you needed to be more vigilant. The world is a safer place now. She didn't speak to me for weeks (fantastic) and when she did speak to me again never mentioned it. It annoys me that his doting dad was deemed to be looking after him as a favour or a chore while I just had to care for him when his dad went role playing because I should.
my mom used to hand her baby over to her mil so she could work pretty much straight away she stayed overnight early on i was always told that they spent more time with me but in my christening video you clearly see my parents bugger off in the car and im left in the care of a relative! my mom couldn't quite remember which one when i asked
They are being vindictive BUT (presumably) they have known the cousin a lot longer than you, and I doubt that your efforts to defend her would go down particularly well. Just let it go.
Thanks all. From what I can gather, my cousins husband has done this regularly since the little one was born. I also know she suffered quite badly from anxiety (and I suspect undiagnosed PND) post birth which again is something that didn't happen years ago.
I feel like neither of them understand the differences between parenting back then and now - but they'd argue child rearing is still the same with the same pressures.
Tinkle at your MIL and say, "of course, in your day, you were positively encouraged to leave babies screaming their heads off in the garden for hours on end! No wonder you didn't feel the need for days off!"
Seriously, people need to understand that things are NOT the same these days, new mothers have way less support from their families and communities, and are expected to parent to a much higher standard.
People don't ted to remember exactly how horrific the coalface of early days parenting is!! A wee day off now and then is good for mum and baby (obviously someone looking after baby!)
Yes it sounds like they will gossip about you. Good to find out now I suppose so you know they are unreasonable. Toughen up now! Accept the bitching will happen and let it blow over you - your family life arrangements is only of concern to you, your DH and DC.
A 2 year old is vastly different from a baby. I was barely apart from either of mine under 10 months, when I went back to work. After that though I enjoy the freedom of a day's annual leave to do what I want while nursery does the childcare!
Well good for them for running themselves ragged and being mummy martyrs who never asked for or wanted a couple of hours alone.
I know who I think has the right idea (pictures cousin-in-law being pampered and coiffed with a large cocktail in her hand)!
I swear people have something than happens to them whereby they simply forget about the reality of looking after a small child: so they are inventing in retrospect a world where they were 'loving every minute'. Sure they might judge you when your time comes, but with no authority whatsoever xx
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