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To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

(262 Posts)
KellyBoo800 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:29:33

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come sad

Bobkinyoyo Tue 20-Dec-16 18:30:15

What does she say?

Sophiemayxx Tue 20-Dec-16 18:31:38

Yes you are smile

Pugmomma Tue 20-Dec-16 18:32:18

She sounds like she just doesn't even realise. Can your DB not mention the sensitivity of the issue to her casually?

Wait4nothing Tue 20-Dec-16 18:32:51

I don't think you can ask for her not to come after your db has asked but I would definitely talk to your db about it - ask him to have a word with her and if your feeling upset on the day get dh to cut evening short.
Here's to a bright 2017 for you

KellyBoo800 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:33:02

Should mention her parents live 5 mins away so it's not like she has nowhere to go....

peppatax Tue 20-Dec-16 18:34:13

YABU I'm afraid, this will be the mother of your niece/nephew and you cannot banish her from being around you because she has something you want. If you were in her position you would want everyone to be excited for you so that's all it is with the mentionitis.

sj257 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:34:23

I agree, if your Bro is one of your best friends then you are close enough to talk to him about this xxx

harderandharder2breathe Tue 20-Dec-16 18:34:37

Do her and your Db know about your fertility issues? She may not know, even if he does. I think you should speak to your brother and explain the issue, and ask him to have a word and try and calm the baby fever in front of you.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Tue 20-Dec-16 18:36:01

YABU to try to have her uninvited from Xmas gatherings.

By definitely NBU to talk to your DB about how difficult this is for you. Is he tactful enough to intervene effectively?

MoodyBox Tue 20-Dec-16 18:36:02

I have a lot of sympathy with you but I don't think you can uninvite her, sorry.

Can your brother have a word with her about keeping her mouth shut?

FlimFlamMam Tue 20-Dec-16 18:36:14

YABU but that's not a criticism, your in a really tough situation and I feel for you. I'd suggest maybe talking to your brother as you seem close but I wouldn't ban her it'll cause a horrible rift. Fingers crossed you'll be pregnant too before long and who knows you and her may become close.

cheekyfunkymonkey Tue 20-Dec-16 18:36:26

I sympathise, can your db give her some etiquette tips? I am sure if you explained how it makes you feel she would be mortified and make sure she doesn't go on.

Strongmummy Tue 20-Dec-16 18:37:07

YABU and you know you are, but I totally understand why you're so sensitive to this subject. The examples you've given really don't show that she's deliberately rubbing your face in it. You may want to have a quick word with her or your DB, but I'm unsure what you'd actually say!!! I wish you well in your journey. I've been there and understand how tough it is

Banana25 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:37:18

I really sympathise. I'm in a similar situation myself this Christmas, and I know how horrible it is. I think sometimes people don't say things to be spiteful or vindictive, but they just don't fully understand how hard it actually is.

I'd speak to your brother, explain the situation, and see if she'd go to her parents. You're not being unreasonable for feeling the way you feel. Be kind to yourself this Christmas.

CwtchMeQuick Tue 20-Dec-16 18:37:24

I think you should speak to your brother and get him to have a quiet word with her. I don't think you can really uninvite her and it's natural for her to be excited about her pregnancy, but YANBU to ask your brother to make her more aware of how it affects you.

Ncbecauseitshard Tue 20-Dec-16 18:38:24

Yanbu I don't see why you should have a miserable day and an anxious time waiting for the coments.

Fairylea Tue 20-Dec-16 18:40:07

I feel for you, especially having had fertility issues myself. But unfortunately you are being unreasonable, I think you are just going to have to smile and nod and accept that she won't have the sensitivity you need as she doesn't have any experience of the desperation you're feeling. You can however talk to your db about it and explain in the hope it gets passed on to her.

XiCi Tue 20-Dec-16 18:40:17

Yes, you really are BU, incredibly so. She probably has no idea that mentioning her bump would cause you such upset (and she may well have noticed a little bump at 6 weeks, I did). Maybe have a word with your brother and ask him to have a chat with her about how sensitive you are to this at the moment. Asking her not to come would cause all manner of unnecessary upset.

Cubtrouble Tue 20-Dec-16 18:40:54

You are being unreasonable. She is probably excited. Especially with a new partner and things are obviously going well. Try to separate their pregnancy from your own situation or you will end up bitter.

You are also expecting your brother to choose.

RFHrules Tue 20-Dec-16 18:42:48

I hope that you're pregnant, or a new mum, this time next year OP.

I'd ask your brother to have a quiet word. She may be genuinely unaware.

Beaching Tue 20-Dec-16 18:45:20

YABU but understandably.

Ask your DB to speak to her and tell her to button in for the day. Does she even know? He may not have told her if they've only been together a short time

haveacupoftea Tue 20-Dec-16 18:46:53

YABVU - what an awful situation to put your DB in sad

KlingybunFistelvase Tue 20-Dec-16 18:47:57

YWBVU imo to tell her she isn't welcome at your home because of this (sorry).

I'm so sorry about your fertility problems though and I really sympathise.

Since you're so close to DB I would suggest the same as others; that you speak to him and that he ask her to tone down the excitement a little in front of you. That is a perfectly reasonable request. If she refuses to do so then you would have more reason to be pissed off with her. As it is, I can't see that she's done anything wrong other than get pregnant and be excited about it, which isn't 'wrong' at all really. Although I do know how much a kick in the teeth it can feel when this sort of thing happens. flowers

Whatsername17 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:48:23

You would be better off asking your brother if you could avoid baby talk because you are struggling. I understand and sympathise with your situation. I lost a baby at 13 weeks and seeing/hearing about other pregnant women was horrific. I had two family members who went on and on about their pregnancies despite knowing my situation. But, you can't allow your difficulties to make other people feel like they can't be happy. You can explain your feelings and just ask that they are sensitive though.

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