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"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

(307 Posts)
BraveDancing Tue 20-Dec-16 18:01:59

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

IfartInYourGeneralDirection Tue 20-Dec-16 18:04:28

Sooo the guy didn't have to lose all his friends then?

trickycat Tue 20-Dec-16 18:05:01

His DW found out today? Cut her some slack.

MummyStep123 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:05:15

She's obviosuly hurt and angry and acting irrationally! There's no way you should be getting dragged into the situation! She maybe feels like other people knew and didn't tell her, but that's no excuse to be sending messages like that. I think I'd ignore the message to be honest.

Timeforteaplease Tue 20-Dec-16 18:06:25

She's just trying to find her own coping strategy.
She can choose to do this.
You can choose to say no.
What obviously isn't going to happen is that you will get stay to friends with everyone.
This is the kind of shit that happens when people have affairs.
Just spare a thought for what she is going through right now.

Gatehouse77 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:07:46

I get where you're coming from. I would not reference it, carry on as you see fit and wait for the dust to settle. If this is recent news then it's likely to be an immediate, knee-jerk response. And totally understandable.

SaucyJack Tue 20-Dec-16 18:08:40

'Ssup to you what you do about it, but the OW deserves any shite the wife wants to send her way to be perfectly honest.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Tue 20-Dec-16 18:08:44

So the DW can carry on being friends with her cheating husband, but you're expected to drop friendship with ow?
Tell her and her DH to sort their own marriage out, and it's none of their business who your friends are.

sonjadog Tue 20-Dec-16 18:08:45

I´ve been in a similar situation. The person who sent me the message is an old and close friend, and on consideration she mattered most to me, so I agreed to cut contact. But I didn´t like it at all. I don´t take kindly to other people deciding who I can associate with.

I guess it depends what matters most to you - contact with this couple or her. I would be tempted to say rely "Fine" and leave them to it. I would probably replied that way to anyone other than my friend when it happened to me.

RichardBucket Tue 20-Dec-16 18:08:53

Wow, you have your priorities straight: you first and ignore the rest.

Everstrong Tue 20-Dec-16 18:10:44

She's clearly hurting and lashing out. I'd be inclined not to respond and wait and see how the dust settles.

OhhBetty Tue 20-Dec-16 18:10:54

I'd cut the OW out and the unfaithful husband tbh but that's because I have no time for people like that! The wife is the victim and I'd cut her some slack tbh. It wouldn't have been my choice to send what she did but raw emotions are rarely rational. Your last paragraph really is making it about you. I can assure you it isn't at all.

PurpleMinionMummy Tue 20-Dec-16 18:12:05

Wow, how awful, how are the partners who have just found out?

sonjadog Tue 20-Dec-16 18:12:14

Oh, just noticed that she found out today. In that case, I would reply nothing at all.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Tue 20-Dec-16 18:12:28

I don´t take kindly to other people deciding who I can associate with.

YY. While I have every sympathy for his DW and all she and her family are going through, I don't think it's really on to be sending messages like that to people who are totally uninvolved. But she probably knows that really - can't blame her for acting a bit irrationally.

BraveDancing Tue 20-Dec-16 18:13:21

Timeforteaplease - well, if she wants to deal by acting like a mean girl and trying to use every mutual friend she has as a weapon, she can deal with all this by having fewer friends. I'm obviously not going to run around acting like some kind of character from 'The Scarlet Letter'. I'm not the the morality police.

MummyStep123 is right though. I'll ignore the message and pretend the whole thing isn't happening, which is what a couple of other friends seem to be doing. If she wants to dump her friends over this, that's her call. And yeah, IfartInYourGeneralDirection. Apparently she and her DH are "sorting it out". But who knows where that will go.

Purplepicnic Tue 20-Dec-16 18:13:32

If she only found out today, I imagine she's highly emotional and will be thinking all sorts of things. The coming months will be a mess so I would do nothing, say nothing and wait til it all calms down and then decide who you want to stay friends with.

RitaCrudgington Tue 20-Dec-16 18:13:33

Well, given the choice between staying friends with a single woman who made the serious mistake of having a fling with a cheating bastard, or staying friends with the cheating bastard in question who cheerfully betrayed his wife then I think your choice is pretty clear isn't it.

But I agree with pp, don't reply to her while she's in a fit of rage.

FatOldBag Tue 20-Dec-16 18:13:59

It's fair enough, she's made it clear there's a choice. You're welcome to remain friends with OW, and your dh to remain "very close friends" if you like, but her and her H want to cut her out completely and that means not having mutual friends, so if you do want to stay friends with her, they don't want to be your friend. You're not being dragged into anything, they are entitled to withdraw their friendship with you if they feel their marriage would benefit from it, which they feel is the case if you're OW's friend.

BraveDancing Tue 20-Dec-16 18:16:21

OhhBetty - well, I don't think I made it about me. I didn't start the conversation out of the blue.

But the point is taken. I'll ignore the whole thing and carry on as normal until everyone has settled a bit more. It is clearly a raw time and I was insensitive. I just flared up at being given this random ultimatum. That was me being shit.

OhhBetty Tue 20-Dec-16 18:18:06

Yes ignoring is the most sensible option definitely! Life would be easier if people weren't such shits!

Eevee77 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:18:28

Why are you pretending this isn't happening? I'd ignore her question but I still respond offering her my support. This is how you treat your friends?

OhhBetty Tue 20-Dec-16 18:18:40

Just to clarify I meant the husband and the OW not you op

Thisjustinno Tue 20-Dec-16 18:20:48

She's extremely hurt, in shock and trying to desperately claw some control over a situation that she was not in control of.

I'd ignore it and anticipate that she realises she's being unreasonable. If she doesn't then I'd make my own decision on what friendships were more important to you.

BraveDancing Tue 20-Dec-16 18:22:02

FatOldBag - her H has been my close friend for a lot longer than I've known my OH, OW or her. We were mates at uni, so he does actually mean quite a lot to me.

The reason one so pissed is it puts me in an impossible situation. OH isn't going to drop her best friend over this. So either I'm telling her that she can socialise alone, or I lose one of my oldest friends. Right now it feels horrible.

But I've taken advice. I'll wait and see.

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