To want to skip the family xmas dinner

[Pugmomma]

For the past 3 years I've always made xmas dinner for the family at my place, and have always done my best to cater for everyone; last year I did gamon and coke in slow cooker, a turkey crown and a joint of beef, as well as a nut roast for DPs sister who is veggie.

All this year DPs family have said they want to do xmas dinner this year, so we agreed it back in September ish. Then DPs mum popped around today for a brew, and says they'll be doing beef and gammon on xmas day.

Feel so put out as the whole family knows I don't eat any red meats etc at all- I only eat turkey, chicken and fish. DPs sister is away abroad this year in asia so there won't even be the option for nut roast etc.

Just feel like I don't matter at all. I mean for the last 3 years I've cooked for all of them, including beef and gammon when I don't eat them.

Told all this to DP and he said well there'll be veg and potatoes etc! I was a bit miffed. I hate sprouts (yet still cooked them for his family!), so I'd be having carrots, peas and potatoes for xmas dinner.

I actually feel quite sad and dreading it now. It's not so much the only eating veg, it's more feeling like they don't care/I don't matter.

AIBU?

[scurryfunge]

Do they know you don't eat red meat? I would prepare some white meat and take it along and pop it in the oven.

[Pugmomma]

yeah they definitely know. I just don't feel like I should have to, after bending over backwards for them for the past 3 years. I feel like just feigning sickness/hangover I want to avoid it that much now. Just feel like they don't care whatsoever, like They couldn't care less if I came or not

[NoCapes]

Did you not say "oh you know I don't eat red meat, what will there be that I can eat?"

[Lookinatu]

Yanbu make some meat for yourself and take it with you. Hopefully they will see how uncatered for they have been towards you.

[Stripeyblanket]

As NoCapes says. Do that.

I don't eat Gammon and my Mil has got me a Stroganoff for Christmas Eve and I am very grateful as she always does Gammon.

They may not have even considered it.

[scurryfunge]

It depends on your general relationship with them. Are you comfortable enough with them to bring it up as Nocapes suggests? Are there other issues at large here?

[Millymollymanatee]

I felt really sad for you reading that. How inconsiderate of the lot of them!

I think you need to find a way to tell them you want something you can eat, especially as you've gone out of your way to cater for them in the past. They need to know.

[Pugmomma]

I didn't say that as such no, because they know I don't eat it already- in fact I was a veggie until i became pregnant with DD, and they know that. It's what infuriates me. I've been to there house plenty of times for Sunday dinner when they've done beef, and I've just had the veg and potatoes etc and said 'no meat for me thanks, I don't eat red meat' so they either totally ignored all those times or they just don't care, both equally as bad. It's just upsetting feeling I don't matter to them. Really just want to get the flu or something so I don't have to deal with it 😑

[TheDisreputableDog]

I think I'd just say, "oh, I don't eat red meat or gammon, will there be any turkey or shall I bring some..." not he end of the world although they could have been more considerate, hopefully a well placed question will make them reconsider

[scurryfunge]

It does sound a bit grim but some people just can't understand you may not want to eat meat or red meat or whatever. A good host will always make sure there is something for everyone. I guess they may not appreciate differing choices. I doubt it is a deliberate slur, just a lack of thought.

[FinallyHere]

While I can see that it might feel as if they don't care about you, it would be good to check that they have remembered. When people who don't often do this kind of event first start to, it can be surprising what they forget, compared to people who have done it a good few times.

I hope you have a good enough relationship with them, that you can say something like Nocapes suggested, before you give up on them.

[haveacupoftea]

Are you sure that there wont be turkey as well but they havent mentioned it because its obvious that there will be turkey since its Christmas?

DP needs to find out for you.

[Debinaboat]

Just ask your mil if she is ok with you bringing a piece of chicken or turkey to stick in the oven ,see if that prompts her into 'remembering' you don't eat red meat .
She should be suitably embarrassed, or will be unapologetic.at least you will know whether this was a deliberate act .

[Bluntness100]

Ehrm, this is going to sound a bit weird, but does she know gammon is classified as red meat? She might think you'll eat gammon and not the beef.

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

I think this is one of those times when you have to say something. Unless MIL is poorly and finds it hard to cook?

Call your MIL and tell her how hurt you are that after 3 years of being considerate of her family's likes and dislikes for Xmas dinner, your own likes and dislikes are now being ignored.

Your DH was very insensitive too. I would tell him the same.

[iklboodolphRedNoseReindeer]

If you've only said you don't eat red meat they may be confused. Gammon isn't classed as a red meat to some people (some folks - like mine - call pork & pig products 'white' meat).

[harderandharder2breathe]

Yanbu

You've catered for them the last few years, cooking things you don't eat specially for others, very inconsiderate of them not to cook something you eat after they offered to host. Speak to them and ask what you'll be having, and go from there.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

Don't martyr yourself, say something! I have family who think my brother's vegetarianism is a "phase", despite him being veggie for the last 20 years. Not all of them think to cook for him, despite him cooking for them.

No, you shouldn't have to remind them, but apparently you do need to.

[HeyRoly]

I can't believe your DH said "just eat the potatoes and veg". Would it kill him to say "Hey mum, would you mind cooking a bit of poultry for your DIL?"

I mean, it's hardly hassle to chuck in an extra chicken leg or a few drumsticks FFS.

[Pugmomma]

Just made DP ring, they're not doing turkey as his dad thinks it's 'dry and bland'. They are apparently doing plenty of veg- cauliflower cheese and apparently I'll love it. Well they can suck my left tit. So upset, just so thoughtless!

[Pugmomma]

I don't even particularly like cauliflower cheese! The texture is 😒

[HopefulHamster]

I would take some turkey. Even if it's just a few cold cooked slices!

It is thoughtless of them. Your DH should point it out reqlly

[Gallavich]

I can't believe your dp told you to eat the vegetables what's the matter with him?

[SnowyPaws]

They're outrageous they should offer to throw a chicken in the oven. I'd maybe ring them myself and say: "obviously I was doing 4 different mains last year to cater for everyone - it's Christmas Day id rather not just have vegetables. Any chance you can do a small chicken as well? Let me know because if that's too much trouble I'll be bringing my own."

Just tell it like it is. They are so rude.

[FearandLoathinginLasVegas]

You've obviously gone to loads of effort OP. which is lovely. But it is well beyond what most people do for christmas, so is a very high bar. I would just take my own meat, and have on in the bank for future years that you can ask people to bring a few things - otherwise you risk looking a bit martyrish...