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To keep my 3rd (unplanned) baby

(54 Posts)
knust Tue 20-Dec-16 13:16:53

I am 8 weeks pregnant with my third child. I have two DDs, my oldest will be 8.5 when the new baby is born; the youngest will be a couple of months off 5.

This pregnancy was not planned, it’d be hard enough if OH was on board. He isn’t.

He actually doesn’t know, or he just has his head in the sand. He found a positive pregnancy test, what followed was a very brief exchange in which I said I wasn’t sure I believed it, it was an expired test and the line came up after the time limit. This was 3 weeks ago and he hasn’t said any more about it, and neither have I, I just don’t want an argument. I am definitely pregnant, many, many more positives and symptoms have properly kicked in.

I know we have to talk about it, and I keep trying to bring it up, but I haven’t, I think maybe I should wait until after Christmas.
Our first was not planned, he wanted me to get an abortion. We had a horrible few weeks in early pregnancy, then he accepted it and actually said, when she was 6 months old, that he was glad we had her.
Our second was planned, it took a long time for me to convince him to try for another and it then took an even longer time to conceive.

I agreed number two would be our last.

Honesty, I never felt done, and was pretty thrilled when I found I was pregnant, but terrified at the same time, and there’s a strong feeling of dread because I know it’s going to create a horrible tension between us.

He is not a great father. Our relationship is pretty crap, too, mainly due to lack of affection, yet it’s a stable and safe relatoship. Sometimes he can be great with the kids, but more often than not I do most of the parenting, and almost all of the house work.

He told me when we met that he didn’t want kids so I always have that in the back of my mind.

Honestly, we’re both pretty crap parents.

Our 4 year old especially is very difficult. She’s curious and independent, or mischievous and defiant, and very awkward and particular.

We’re not the worst parents, or abusive or neglectful or anything, but I often find myself getting very cross and shouting at them, something I swore I’d never do as my parents were very shouty. I feel like I don’t have enough time to split between the two, and I think I should be and could be a much better mother than I seem to end up being.

Rationally, I think it would probably be sensible and most fair to the rest of the family not to have this baby. My kids would have even less of me, I often feel I can’t cope as it is, I get little help from OH, though he does help a little with story time at bedtimes and occasionally he can be great. My parents live close by and are helpful but I take less help from them than I probably should, but they’d be there if I need them.

I just don’t know. I do not think I can terminate the pregnancy. I do not want to. A week or so ago I had some horrible pains and was terrified I was having a miscarriage, and I find myself worried there'll be bad news at the scan . But I know it would be the sensible thing to do. Yet if I ask myself what I’d do if he were not in the picture, it’d be an easier decision to keep it, even though I’d be a single parent with three kids. Though I often feel like a single parent as it is.

I don’t think I would get over having an abortion and I think I would always resent him for it.

But I don’t know if our relationship could survive a third child and is it fair on our two daughters?

FooFighter99 Tue 20-Dec-16 13:43:52

I didn't want to read and run. I have no real advice other than to follow your heart - do what you feel you need to. Your other DC's will probably love a sibling. I'm one of 3 and I loved having siblings smile

Don't make any decisions based on how you think he might react, sit down and discuss this properly because it has huge implications either way.

Good luck and I hope you have a lovely Christmas fsmile

DesignedForLife Tue 20-Dec-16 13:52:14

I think you've got to follow your heart on this one, it sounds to me like you actually really want the baby and would really regret a termination.

What would you decide if you were a single parent right now?

lilyb84 Tue 20-Dec-16 13:53:52

I didn't want to read and run as this sounds like a really difficult decision for you.

What are your reasons for wanting to keep the baby? Are they purely physical/hormonal/instinctive or can you imagine - and would you look forward to - bringing another child into the world and your family?

It sounds like the biggest issue here is your relationship, and you already know that. Do you want your relationship to survive? Do you think in some way you want to have the baby because it will change the situation? Could you handle being a single parent if your relationship ended, and what would the implication be on your children?

Equally, what would the impact be on you if you chose not to go ahead? Do you think you would cope with a termination, given time and potentially counselling if needs be? Or do you feel this would be too much to bear?

It's such a horribly personal decision to make and I know from experience you can only make it by weighing everything up and picking the least bad option. Sending you flowers and I hope whatever you decide is as right as it can be for you.

attheendoftheday Tue 20-Dec-16 14:18:26

I would have the baby and leave your partner. You might find it easier to be the mother you want away from him.

Sausagerollers Tue 20-Dec-16 14:35:46

Can you genuinely afford to have this third child? Are the stressful times brought on by a lack of money? I ask this because if you're stressed as you can't afford two children and your partner is stressed because the burden is on him to provide as you've spent a large amount if the last few years on maternity leave then paying for three is only going to increase that stress, and the shouting and the resenting and the generally unhappy home environment for your kids.

If your OH leaves you because he doesn't want a third, can you afford the time and energy it takes to raise three by yourself?

If you assume you're going to have to bring the three up alone and you feel that truly you can manage this task, emotionally and physically and financially then go ahead; but you admit you're already struggling.

Working around two children AND a baby will be considerably more stressful than working with two children, and if you're not working how do you plan to pay for the third?

witsender Tue 20-Dec-16 14:38:46

My head says that if you feel stretched and like you are not coping with two, what makes you think this will improv with 3? Would it not be worse for your existing children,and you?

My heart feels like you, I would struggle to terminate. Is part of your stress being in a relationship that isn't great?

blueshoes Tue 20-Dec-16 14:40:23

If the result is that your existing children have a high risk of being struggling financially and logistically in a single parent family because of dc3, then it would be selfish to have the child. It is your choice but your choice impacts on others with no control over that choice.

BrieAndChilli Tue 20-Dec-16 14:49:51

I have had 2 unplanned pregnancies blush DC3 we kept after a lot of discussion and DC 4 we terminated after a lot of discussion
Both times I was terrified but I know that ultimately they were the right decisions for our family.
DH although had his own opinions and worries which we also discussed supported me and didn't pressure me to decide either way. I saw it as a joint decision anyway as apart from the physical aspect (pregnancy and breast feeding) everything else was just as big an impact on him.

You have to go with your heart, I've taken both decisions and both times I was confident I was making the right one.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 20-Dec-16 14:54:23

The same thing happened to my friend. Her DH never forgave her, had an affair and left. He's being an utter dick as well, wanting 50:50 when he did 0:100 when he was there and the baby is BF.

But she's happy she kept the baby. And not the husband.

knust Tue 20-Dec-16 17:59:21

Thanks for the replies, some helpful things to think about.

I do want to keep it, I’ve found myself thinking about a third for a while, but I’ve been able to block out the broodiness from what I know is sensible and I’d (mostly) accepted that it was very unlikely to happen.
I do not think I would easily get over having an abortion, I would always wonder ‘what if?’and feel guilty and probably mourn the ‘baby’ for a long time.

I think my main concern is if it’s fair on my children.
A few months back they had a fun time begging me for a baby brother, which I assured them was never going to happen. I wish there was a discreet way to enquire if they’d still like the idea of another sibling! Not that that would really give a realistic insight into what it’d be like for them.

When I say I struggle to cope, it’s mainly with getting them to cooperate/do as asked, and the squabbling. They get on well a lot of the time but have their huge arguments and fights as I suppose is normal. Hyper kids screaming is what OH struggles with (as do I but to a lesser degree) and again, the defiance when we need them to do as asked, bedtimes are especially difficult.
With better time management and a bit of creativity and patience I know I can be a better parent, and more help from him would make things easier.
But I feel it would be unfair to expect more from him as he won’t want this baby.
I do want to remain in the relationship. Like I said, it’s not great, there is little love or affection, which sometimes bothers me a lot, and we have discussed it, but other times I’m content enough. And as a whole we are a pretty happy family.
If we did separate I would struggle financially, I’m self-employed/work from home but don’t earn enough to support us all. My parents are due to retire in the next couple of years and would be more than happy to take on childcare, but I’d always struggle to provide for three kids on my own as a single parent.
Our problems aren’t due to money worries, we’re not struggling but would feel the stretch of another child.

Obviously I need to have a proper talk with OH. It’s hard to find the time, by the time the kids are in bed I’m close to falling asleep on the couch and so it never seems like the right time. I know I’m just making excuses now.
But to tell him now and risk there being a horrible atmosphere for Christmas, or wait until afterwards? Assuming I can continue to hide the morning sickness/exhaustion. Thinking about it, he must at least suspect but hope if he ignores it, it might go away..

TheProblemOfSusan Tue 20-Dec-16 18:18:59

I didn't want to read and run either,but just to give sympathy over what must be a really hard time for you. For what it's worth, you sound from your post like you really want to continue your pregnancy,in your heart.

I think you've got some really valid concerns and if the opinion of an internet stranger means anything then I think it's totally valid not to continue as well. Financially it might be really hard, etc etc.

But if you think you would regret it and it might cause you issues long term then my inclination is to say to keep it. You may, sad to say, split up with your partner anyway, anything could happen.

Talking to him is probably the next step before a decision though - but whatever you do do not allow him to push you into a choice. If you want to have the baby, or even if you aren't sure but don't want to end the pregnancy either, make sure it's you making the choice not him.

sj257 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:28:16

I think some of your worries are those that many pregnant people have. It's a scary time whether it's planned or not imo. I felt the same, worried that my children wouldn't want a sibling. They were delighted. I'm still worried that they don't understand just how much our household is going to change when he arrives! They are 8 and 10. However, they will love him when he comes, i know this wholeheartedly.

You do need to speak to your partner. Some men are awful at talking about feelings etc, would it be easier to converse with him about all this by text or email? I know it sounds daft but I know I'll get a better answer from my hubby about a serious subject if he's had time think and to compose an answer!! He's not great in person lol

LadyCallandraDaviot Tue 20-Dec-16 18:28:28

I was in a similar situation, and my mum advised me to think what the future might be like in all different scenarios;
1. You keep the baby, he gets over it, all good
2. You keep the baby, he leaves - not good, can you manage 3 as a single mum?
3. You have an abortion, you feel ok, all good
4. You have an abortion, you resent him, split up, you as single mum to 2

Which , out of option 2 or 4 is the worst? I'm not going to be able to give you an answer, but it is a way to think about it.

(In my case, went for a scan and was much further on than I thought, so abortion was not an option. DH has come around to the idea, but it was a long and rocky path)

jacks11 Tue 20-Dec-16 18:52:52

I don't think this is a simple reasonable vs unreasonable.

You do need to speak to your husband/partner- you need to know where he stands. Of course, ultimately the final decision is yours as to whether you keep the baby or not but ideally this should be a joint decision. He has the right to know, in any case.

I think this is a head and heart matter. You (and your partner) need to decide whether you have the emotional and financial resources to bring another child into the world. If you don't, then you need to consider what can change to allow you to have these resources and then work out if that is possible. If not, I think you have to consider very carefully the impact on your existing children and also what this will mean for the child you are expecting. Only you can decide where that balance falls.

If you think having another child will mean the end of your relationship, then I would say you also have to put that into the balance- in terms of the impact on you and your children. I don't think parents who are unhappy together should stay together for their children, and it sounds like your relationship needs some work even though you say you are usually content and comfortable.

Personally speaking, I think that if you are struggling to cope with the 2 children you already have then you really need to have a very serious think about how you would manage with a 3rd child.

SheldonCRules Tue 20-Dec-16 19:29:29

This sounds like it would have a huge impact on the existing children, not least as they could lose their dad. They already have struggling parents without stressed divorced ones.

Knowing you wanted another, he didn't and now an "accident" I'd feel very suspicious if I were him.

lovelearning Tue 20-Dec-16 20:12:47

was pretty thrilled when I found I was pregnant

knust, I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

krustykittens Tue 20-Dec-16 20:36:28

It sounds to me that your DH does not like children being children and this is the source of a lot of the stress in your house at the moment. He simply doesn't like kids! It sounds like you really want this baby and you have a crap relationship with your husband (your words) so I would have the baby and ditch him, if you can afford to do it. Either way, you have some tough decisions ahead of you. I wish you the very best. xx

FrankAndBeans Tue 20-Dec-16 20:42:49

Do you want a kid or do you just want a baby? You described yourself as a crap parent and said you were already overwhelmed to the point that you didn't parent the way you wanted to. I would be concerned you would have rose tinted glasses on about having another baby rather than another hard to handle child.

ragz134 Tue 20-Dec-16 20:50:11

OP, haven't read the thread yet but from your first post that could have been me 7 years ago! Although we didn't plan our second either...
I was happy with 2, totally shocked and numb at finding out we were expecting a third. But we kept her after much agonising but I couldn't face a termination at the time... and it worked out well, years later our marriage is better, DH has learned to parent. We both shout a lot less. Things can get better if you both work at it.
I have also had a 4th pregnancy that we lost late and a 5th that we terminated this year as we felt it really was for the best. So I have seen and done both sides of this dilemma!
Trust what you feel to be right.

neonrainbow Tue 20-Dec-16 21:21:04

What can you offer a third child and how will it impact your existing two?

nutbrownhare15 Tue 20-Dec-16 22:07:18

If you are struggling with parenting, is a great resource. The author has written a book called calm parents, happy kids which I would really recommend. Lots of supportive advice on how to stop yelling. Good luck.

Amelia888 Sun 03-Dec-17 11:16:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatDuckCookery Sun 03-Dec-17 11:20:34

It’s obviously your decision to keep the baby but given what you’ve said in your OP I’m not convinced it’s right for you let alone him.

BackBoiler Sun 03-Dec-17 11:21:34

I cried for a week when I was expecting my third. I had a 9 month old baby who was in the middle of a D&V bug and I really did not know I would cope. My eldest was a month shy of 5.

I also had a two bedroom terrace house and there was no way another child plus everything that came with it would fit. So as it happened my sister had split from her partner and was living with my mum........Three weeks later I had moved into a lovely large rented house and my sister was living in mine with a friend. She is still there now to this day and we have managed to buy another house which we all fit in.

We are not by all means rich and we do live in Yorkshire so properties are pretty cheap but it has all worked out nicely in the end.

Follow your heart.

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