and a bit of a grinch?

[PecanPii]

This isn't a big deal and I feel like it doesn't even deserve a thread of its own but I'm seriously doubting myself and I'd love other people's opinions

We're doing secret santa with family members for the first time this year (they always done it but now we're joining in). All was good, £50 budget and me and DH have picked out our gifts. We presumed we just dropped off the gifts on Christmas Eve or whenever suits but apparently not. Last night I found out that we all have to be there to open presents together. That doesn't start until earliest 9. But our toddler goes to bed a lot earlier than that and we also need to make his santy present once he goes to bed. DN is particular about all this as she organises it and insists it's tradition everyone is there to open presents together.

I don't want to come across as a grinch but it just doesn't suit. DS goes to bed early and I like him to stay in a routine. We need to make his santa present and also, I'd like to make traditions as a family of our own that evening.

[Pickanameanyoldname]

As you agreed to participate, I'd join in just this once. "I like to keep my toddler in a routine" is a bit of a lame excuse imo. It's one night, once.

[lastqueenofscotland]

It's one night and I swear most children don't sleep properly on Christmas Eve anyway...

[Scottishchick39]

YANBU, they want you to keep your toddler up until about 10pm on Christmas Eve? That's going to be a fun Christmas for you with a grumpy wee one as she hasn't went to sleep at her normal time. I take it your DN doesn't have young children?

[ShowMeTheElf]

Get in touch, explain what you told us about misunderstanding the SS system.
Ask/beg if the gift exchange could be brought forward to 6pm. Thank everyone profusely.

[witsender]

You can ask, but as you are joining in an existing arrangement they're not really being unreasonable if they say no. How old is he?

[thenewaveragebear1983]

Offer to host the secret Santa unwrapping? You can get your toddler to bed, then have mulled wine/mince pies while you all open your presents?

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

You're not willing to break your child's routine for one day at Xmas?

[Squiff85]

YABU for saying Santy ;)

I can see your POV, could you perhaps ask them to bring it forward slightly, they must know it'll be hard with a toddler

[haveacupoftea]

9pm is pretty late on Christmas Eve, I like to be in and settled by 7ish. Try to compromise. Could you all meet at 7.30?

[PecanPii]

Yeah I pretty sure I'm BU. I also thought of bringing it forward but I can't as some of the family members that host the secret santa, organise the local nativity and are at the community hall from early on in the day setting up. This is why the opening of the presents doesn't happen until after 9, when them 3 are back from the gathering.

My DS is 20 months. I know it's unreasonable to feel this way just because I don't want my toddler out of a routine but he really is such a crank when he's not in bed in time my DS is the only child of the family and obviously not participating in it.

I know it's tradition to open them together but it seems a bit strange when everyone knows who has who anyway!

[Bobkinyoyo]

Meh, I'm on your side. My baby's such a disaster if he's not in bed by 7 it's not enjoyable to everyone having him round.

My mum insisted I bring him to an evening family gathering a few weeks ago. I warned her he would just scream but she was adamant it was only one night and he would just fall asleep eventually in my arms. I knew he wouldn't but I'm getting a reputation for being neurotic and uptight so I said ok.

Cue 2 hours screaming.

They don't say anything now

[PecanPii]

I'm not completely basing this on DS being out of his routine. He is crazy without his usual bedtime but we wouldn't be home until 10.30 earliest ...is that not a bit not a bit late on Christmas Eve? DH usually goes to bed at 11 so will be fairly tired by then and we'll still have to build his present.

[Bobkinyoyo]

Ha, I remember my mum being up til 2 or 3 in the morning on Xmas eve!

I think you are being a little U wrt to your husband - I go to bed early myself early but really - can he not stay up a bit later on one night?

[PecanPii]

@Bobkinyoyo I'm a complete night owl so I'll be up until all hours but my DH works mad hours and will be for the rest of the week. 11 to him is like 2 or 3!

[MiddleClassProblem]

Could just one of you be there for the gift opening? Or even FaceTime/Skype your opening?

[PecanPii]

@MiddleClassProblem that's a really good idea, I would go and DH could stay at home with DS but I doubt they'll want that as my aunt said she didn't want to go to the pulling names out of the hat night as she was too tired and would do it on FaceTime instead but DN insisted everyone had to attend!

[ChocoChou]

Off the main topic slightly... can't you build the santa present already? Hide it somewhere? Obviously I don't know how big it is etc but that would take care of that chore.
I'd let LO stay up late on Xmas eve and let them wake up when they're ready in the morning. Honestly they'll be so excited I'm sure they won't be grumpy, then an afternoon nap if needed.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Personally I would consider giving toddler a later slightly later nap and keeping them up. Just one night and all that Christmas brings will keep them buzzing the next day. DD turns 2 this week so it's def something I could have done with her this year x

[FooFighter99]

I think DN is being slightly precious by demanding you stick to her regime religiously! Surely she can understand that keeping your toddler up till that time on xmas eve will result in your xmas day being spoiled by a tired DH and a whingy toddler!? Tell her you can't be there, apologise and that should be the end of it.

[harderandharder2breathe]

Your DN is the one being precious not you! Who wants to deal with an over tired grumpy toddler on top of the usual overexcited Christmas thing (I know he's too little to understand but all the presents and different atmosphere can be overwhelming)

Drop your gifts off earlier. If she won't let you take yours away then fine, you'll have them Christmas Day or boxing day or whenever,

[PecanPii]

My DN is being precious but this doesn't seem anyway unusual to me. She's like this about everything, that's just her! I honestly don't mind about the presents and I think I just really want a Christmas Eve with just us 3. We see them a lot and will see them plenty over Christmas so the visit has so significance in that way. I just don't want everyone to feel put out that this is our first year in the secret santa club and we're brought the tone down (as there will be people there that won't get to see us receive our gifts and open them and the other way around).

[MiddleClassProblem]

If that's how you feel then I would say FaceTime is the best you can offer. It's different to the draw as I'm guessing DN didn't want someone doing it for your aunt. She does sound very particular! But it's it's FaceTime or nothing then she doesn't really have a choice.

[cheeeseplease]

I don't think YABU at all. I will possibly make an exception and let my kids stay up a bit late on Christmas night when the family are all there celebrating together.. but my kids don't do well out of routine and it could possible ruin Christmas day if they were overtired and moaning they way they do when they are tired!
I'd rather not get the present at all than put up my kids overtired and moany on Christmas day.
I mean come on.. it's not all about the kids

[YouMeanYouForgotCranberriesToo]

There is no way I'd keep my toddler uo until 10.30 for something like this! Past 7 she'd be exhausted and a giant pain and the same the next day! Christmas eve is probably the night I'd be least willing to do it tbh, no one wants christmas with a grumpy overtired toddler

[witsender]

It doesn't sound like preciousness per se, some people won't be back so that's when they do it. Could you host?

Or just say no. Could you take a travel cot? Or a sling?