Christmas has rapidly turned to shit. Can I ban him from the house and her from calling me about it?

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

If I out myself, which I might as there's a lot of detail, please don't out me.

Backstory.

I have a violent horrific father and a difficult, possibly has BPD and narcissism, they finally split when my father left her for another woman my sisters age. I have rarely seen him in the last five years as he lives abroad.
My mother is on uber strong ADs and was suicidal. I am less of a crutch to her than my older sister who gets the very worst of all of it.
My father, whilst the bigger monster with no redeeming features, is a weird awful non communicative man my mother is no picture. Her abuse is perhaps not quite as obvious but damaging and pernicious in it's own way.
For a start she claims I've made up the things that happened to me as a child (mainly being hit) until I met my husband in my mid twenties.

So after leaving my mother after 40 years and saying stuff he can never take back, and hasn't tried, he's here for Christmas. He hadn't even had a conversation with her for five years. He's not trying to get back with her and hasn't said anything of the sort.

He's retiring next year and realises his money is not good enough to split in two and my mother doesn't have a good private pension as she assumed she'd be with him and she's never had an amazingly well paid job. My Dad has been lucky.

I spoke with him this afternoon and asked his intentions, without too much of an awkward conversation (on the phone) he shouted and swore at me and I put the phone down.

I was planning, for months, for myself DH and our children to have Christmas day on our own. Very relaxed. My mother seems to want to pretend to play happy families, when the truth is she ruined many a christmas day when I was a child if he didn't buy the right thing and then he would go mental. They ruined my sons first christmas by turning up hours late then creating an awful atmosphere. The last few years we've had her here suicidal, crying loudly and making huge fusses.... never EVER putting on a brave face and trying to make the best of everything.

I have now said I'm not having him here, he's horrid and when he's not being horrid he's not nice..... he just, literally, takes the piss out of me and my children in a nasty way, is silent or is monosyllabic.

I know this will make life harder for her.

To be honest if she hasn't been killed or taken her own life by the end of Christmas I'll think the festive season has been a success.

AIBU to leave him to her?

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

a difficult mother.

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

Sorry, Meant to add. She'll phone me all throughout Christmas, and it's already started, crying at all times of the day no matter what I'm doing. Whether it's christmas story time, at a friends, lunch, Queen's speech....

[ClopySow]

Yanbu.

[Astro55]

I think you need to do what's best for you and your children - if you want Xmas as a core family day do that - it's no ones else's business

Your mother is a grown up and not your responsibility -

Where's your sister - dads new girlfriend etc in all this?

Were they staying with you?

[Mishegoss]

Christ, I'm not sure what to say. I think yanbu.. keep yourself and your kids away from that.

[monkeymamma]

Good heavens OP it seems clear to me you need to carve out Christmas for your young family and not expose them to all this other stuff that's going on.@

[GeekLove]

Might be a bit late but could you let the police know in case he turns up. Maybe consider getting a restraining order against him.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Definitely have your day just you dh and kids. Why put your dc through that?

[Rixera]

Block her number and he can fuck right off with it.
Believe me, they are never going to change. I'm sure you know that by now. But you have the right to an enjoyable day, and to uphold boundaries that keep them from stopping that. You are not responsible for fixing your mother's life and if she wants to die that's her issue.

I know it sounds harsh but it's true. You have to protect your child from their poisonous influence.

[whitehandledkitchenknife]

YA SO NBU. Leave them all to it. Switch off your phone. You don't need to explain or justify a thing to them. You owe them nothing.

[Sizzledsticks]

I'm a bit confused here OP. Are you saying your mum wants your dad to be invited to yours for Christmas?

Who exactly is putting pressure on you? And to do what?

From what you've said, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to put you and your dh/dc first and have Christmas day just you at home. If it's going to make you feel bad, couldn't you arrange to pop in on Boxing Day?

You are not responsible for your mother's mental health. It sounds like you need to put your mh first for the sake of your family.

[Rixera]

Here is a little metaphor that helped me pull away from my messed up father;
Say everyone's lives are like their gardens. When someone lets their garden get messy and overgrown you could go and take care of it for them but if you did, your own would get messy in the process. You would be tired from all their gardening with too much work to do on your own and you know they won't keep it up anyway.

Really, all you can do is take care of your garden, and prune the weeds that try to creep in from elsewhere.

[thebear1]

What is your relationship like with your sister? Can you work together to tell them both to do one?

[haveacupoftea]

If it were me i would tell them both to fuck off and never contact you again.

[TheWitTank]

Totally agree with Rixera. It will never change. You are best staying well clear for you and your familes sake.

[WordsAreWind]

Someone asked me not so long ago when talking about my toxic Mother.....

"If your Parents were not your Parents would you be friends with them?"

[chickenowner]

Have Christmas Day with your husband and children.

Don't answer the phone, or even switch off your mobile and unplug the landline.

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

My sister was the one my mother called for hours daily when my father left, she also asked her who she loved more on her wedding day . She has a very weird relationship with my sister, who has serious issues because of it, and expects my sister to fill the gaps my father left. Gets pissy about her having friends and generally makes her life unpleasant. My sister also got more physical abuse than me and lived with my parents much much longer. My mother would wind my father up knowing that he would hit us, he practically water boarded my sister which my mother feels terrible for and we then must all tell my mother it's not her fault it is partly.

So I don't want to ask my sister to do anything.

I want my parents to both fuck off.

[Lilaclily]

I'd see it as a fresh start and go non communication with both of them

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

My father is back because he plans to leave the country he lives in and come back to the UK, he will live with my mother.

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

The plan is they'll all come here on boxing day.... my sister too.

It will be awful.

My sister and I and our husbands spent an hour trying to justify putting the cream we wanted with the desert even though we knew my Mum would go nuts.... OVER CREAM.

Oh. FML. It looks completely different written down, like it couldn't be true and who would even think of spending time with these shit bags?!

[PollytheDolly]

Jesus!!! Shut the door permanently on that toxic shit, parents or not.

Have a lovely little family Christmas just you and yours. Do not expose your DCs to that diatribe.

[Strongmummy]

You only have one obligation. To your kids; no one else. Your parents can both go fuck themselves to be frank. They have their own issues they need to deal with. Disconnect your phone, lock the doors, enjoy your Xmas. I know exactly how you feel and now escape my parents each year (literally)to avoid the toxicity.

[FatOldBag]

YANBU I'd cut ties with him altogether, and possibly her as well. Certainly ban them from Christmas.

[TheWitTank]

Sounds like you had a horrific upbringing op -I'm so sorry. The water boarding is shocking and he should have gone to bloody prison for that. Please please go no contact with both these abusers. They do not deserve one moment with you or your sister.