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to expect a little consideration?

(26 Posts)
VelvetSpoon Mon 19-Dec-16 17:24:01

Recently I had to go to A&E with acute chest / upper back pains. These were diagnosed as suspected gallstones. I was supposed to be referred for an ultrasound, but apparently my GP knew nothing of this, so now I've got to wait for an appt for her before I get referred...no idea when I'll have the scan.

Anyway, I've been ok since until this weekend, when I had another attack which was horrible. I was away at the time but everyone was really nice to me, and thankfully because I had tablets on me, the worst of the pain receded after about 30-40 mins.

So I've not been in great health. I also work ft in a pretty high stress demanding role, the kind of thing where I am constantly expected to do everything, know the answer to everything and solve everyone's problems.

I have 2 teen DC who do jobs at home only when asked/ with detailed instructions. As mentioned I was away this weekend. I spoke to eldest on the way home yesterday and said could he please have a tidy up.

Got in yesterday to house like a tip. The clean washing up on the side on Fri was still there; dirty washing up from Fri to Sun on the worktop. Recycling piled up, bin full. Worktops covered in crumbs etc. Bathroom - empty bottles, laundry on floor. No washing done in my absence either.
Won't say anything about their rooms other than that they weren't pretty.

So I lost my rag with them and have cut the internet off until further notice. Had to clean up myself as needed to cook dinner. They helped, unwillingly and have since just moaned about how unfair it all is.

Even my bf having a word with them didn't help. I could do without all the conflict just before Xmas but I really don't feel I'm expecting too much - or am I?

Arfarfanarf Mon 19-Dec-16 17:29:06

No you're bloody not and they need a frigging rocket up 'em.

It is a bloody poor show when they cant muster up a bit of consideration for their mother.

They need to actually put themselves in your position and not be such self centred little gits.

Crunchymum Mon 19-Dec-16 17:30:51

Old enough to be left alone = old enough to keep house properly.

ghostyslovesheets Mon 19-Dec-16 17:33:05

no yanbu - I had a hospital apt today and when I got back both teens had cleaned the house top to bottom

they are 12 and 14 - I had asked them to tidy up as we had guests (and many kids) round last night - I wasn't expecting such a brilliant job

Teens should help out - they are perfectly capable

Arfarfanarf Mon 19-Dec-16 17:33:24

Meant to say i suffer from chronic pain and had similar to deal with and in the end i completely lost my temper and told them they were selfish little sods who clearly didnt give a shit about me and the fact that i am in constant pain and that normally people actually care when others are in pain

I went on a bit more but you get the gist 😂

I think sometimes you have to get angry and show them you're hurt.

ofudginghell Mon 19-Dec-16 17:34:35

I would go nuts aswell op if this was me.
I deliberately called eldest ds (18)downstairs twice yesterday morning for him to flush the loo he's just been in and then to pick his dirty socks and top up off the kitchen floor and wipe his tea bag stains off the floor as he dribbled it to the bin.
Really gets my goat but I make a point now of calling them down for one thing at a time and calmly tell them what they've left behind or made a mess of.
Sometimes it feels easier to just do it but it's not teaching them how to be self sufficient and anyway this is my home not a bloody hotel with paid staff.
I'm with you op. Have a bunch of flowers

VelvetSpoon Mon 19-Dec-16 17:37:15

Bloody hell ghosty, mine are 18 and 15, and the best I ever get is a tidy up of kitchen and lounge (and their own rooms), and sometimes vacuuming. They have never cleaned the bathrooms, though sometimes they will line up all the bottles / throw away empty ones.

This weekend I didn't even get that, even though they knew I'd been ill.

VelvetSpoon Tue 20-Dec-16 18:58:18

The internet ban continues. They did some tasks yesterday, but I suspect only because they want the internet back rather than to help. They've done nothing today again. Their argument is I haven't sent them a list of what they need to do, but should I really need to? I'm at work, I have enough to do without writing them daily lists!

FrancisCrawford Tue 20-Dec-16 19:07:47

You poor thing.

They are being ungrateful, lazy and very selfish brats.

At their ages they are more than capable of cleaning and tidying. You don't need instructions for how to clean a loo, or how to hoover.

As for a list - words fail me. Many 18 year olds are living in halls at university or in shared houses and have to do everything for themselves. The 18 year old should be pulling his own weight at home - doing his own laundry, changing his bed etc. As should the 15 year old. Housework isn't difficult.

Mypurplecaravan Tue 20-Dec-16 19:11:06

Do them a list.

They have to learn somewhere. And kids are used to learning to/from lists with syllabuses etc.

They are clearly not self motivated. And you are getting unhappy with lack of cleaning. So make them a list of what needs doing. Refusing to do so is citing youe nose off to spite your face.

Yes you can argue they shouldn't need a list. But they are your children. And still children. So teach them what needs doing in a house from today onwards.

Mypurplecaravan Tue 20-Dec-16 19:12:50

Sorry saw one is 18. So not still a child. Just lazy. But still you need to change their lazy and entitled behaviour some how.

How long does a list take to write?

2 minutes max. Worth it in my eyes

Cherrysoup Tue 20-Dec-16 19:18:16

Write a permanent list, assign them chores daily or weekly. If they don't do chores without being reminded, then issue sanctions. Loving the lack of Internet, that's probably very effective. Is the 18 year old working? Start charging rent! I'm mean!

Baylisiana Tue 20-Dec-16 19:31:36

YANBU

As teenagers we knew that if my DM was ever away it was expected she returned to a clean and tidy house. You are right to show them there are consequences. Do they really not know what needs to be done? I would tell them that at their age they need to be able to do it without a list, and if they are that clueless you will give them several days supervised practice where they do everything so that in future they will know.

VelvetSpoon Tue 20-Dec-16 22:04:36

The 18yo doesn't work...that is a whole other thread! Hopefully starting a job in Jan. At which point he will be paying me some of it, as having lost his CB and my council tax discount, and being asked constantly for petrol money, I am worse off than previously, which can't continue forever.

I actually don't think they do know. Like if I said, clean a room (bathroom, kitchen, whatever), without breaking it down they would at best put stuff in cupboards and rubbish in bin. They wouldn't clean a room unless I said clean X room as they seem unable to notice mess. And even if I said clean it, I have to list ever single thing I want doing. If I said wash up, I'd have to say make sure theyve looked in the living room or on the table for cups. And I'd also have to say to put it away.

By the time I've done such exhaustive lists it's almost easier to do it all myself.

Baylisiana Wed 21-Dec-16 01:22:47

Oh dear Velvet flowers, it sounds like there is a way to go. I am sure you can turn them around though....hopefully someone on here will have a way of waking them up to the obvious. I once decided with a flatware that instead of asking him to do things, I would ask him to make a list of what things he thought needed doing. Now, we would be able to write that down straight off. He was looking around the house....obviously looking at items and thinking what they might involve!

Baylisiana Wed 21-Dec-16 01:23:22

Flatmate.....not sure what flatware is!

FrancisCrawford Wed 21-Dec-16 05:41:55

If the 18 year old isn't working, what is he doing all day?

He needs to start acting his age and doing a lot more round the house. There wouldn't be any petrol money until he was. If you are out at work all day then you should be coming home to a tidy house at the very least

So tidy, Hoover, do dishes and laundry at a minimum. Prep for dinner too.

Don't they both have chores they do already?

Sorry, but they need a wake up call, because they sound like they are being pathetic as a way of "justifying" their lazy ineptitude.

KP86 Wed 21-Dec-16 06:07:14

balyisiana, flatware is the posh word for cutlery. ;)

OP, I'm sorry to say your children are very lazy. Sounds time for a strike on your part, methinks!

PeachMelba78 Wed 21-Dec-16 06:13:26

There are lots of cleaning breakdown lists on Pintrest or Google if you don't have Pintrest. You can get them to search and print them out rather than you doing a list. They have to learn, my 4 year old complains all the time about tidying up his stuff and doing his household jobs (very simple ones) but I remind him that we all live here and we all need to keep a nice house. I am not a slave!

Motherfuckers Wed 21-Dec-16 06:13:46

No you are not being unreasonable. Teenagers are tossers. I hear it gets better. wine here's to that thought!

SabineUndine Wed 21-Dec-16 06:22:42

I'd do a list and specify for each room what to do. I'd also stand over them the first time. E.g. 'Vacuum living room' means pulling the furniture out from the wall and cleaning behind it. I'd time how long it takes so that in future you know if they're slacking. I suggest this as a veteran of many shared houses: some people will always do the bare minimum if they can get away with it.

greenfolder Wed 21-Dec-16 06:22:46

I've given up with my older 2. Oldest one on particular. Every room she has ever occupied looks like a shit tip within days. Never has picked up, washed up or anything else. She is back from uni and working from home. Looking ahead we are moving next year and leaving the pair of them. So I am going to luxuriate in my clean house and leave them to it.

Motherfuckers Wed 21-Dec-16 06:25:30

Now there's an idea... move. Brilliant grin

VelvetSpoon Wed 21-Dec-16 08:15:37

They're being more difficult than normal, eldest in particular. Not quite sure why, but he is very snippy with me, and argumentative. Like last night, I'd said I was sorting out some washing and asked him to put it on please (he agreed). I'd taken it downstairs then found another couple of items (think pair of socks and tshirt) which I just bundled up and threw towards him. Not hard, and it didn't hit him, but he went off like a rocket, how dare I throw things at him, I wouldn't like it, how awful it was....

Really, I can do without all this shit, I have enough crap to deal with at work.

I will generate them a list though. It will save me time having to send them a lengthy text on a daily basis.

As to what they do all day...not much. Sleep/ watch TV. Or do about 30mons house work when pushed. Obviously the younger one is normally at school, but they broke up last week, so now he's doing the same. Ugh.

WellyMummy Wed 21-Dec-16 10:05:18

Saw a good idea online somewhere . . . Internet password provided once chores were done, when parent is at work photographic proof is sent! A photo of each room tidy, being a tricky mum I would also dictate a random item in each photo so that earlier photos could not be reused!

Good luck!

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