DH off for the night leaving me with poorly baby

[Bearberry]

DD is almost 8 months old. She is a crap sleeper and napper and bf to sleep (still wakes every 2-3 hours from 7-7) so it's me who does all the settling for night and naps.

DH works long hours and doesn't see much of DD during the week. On occasion when we've had a particularly bad night he will take her for an hour in the morning before he goes to work so I can get an extra hours sleep. That an my mum taking her for a couple of hours once a weekish is the only break I get. After several arguments over the course of my mat leave we have now compromised on a division of house work we both feel is fair. The vast majority of childcare, at all times, is my responsibility.

DH is off on Tuesday and Wednesday's and has planned a night out staying over at a holiday let locally having some drinks and a catch up with his friends. He doesn't do this often, maybe 4-5 times since DD was born and one of those times was his birthday. I'm fine with this.

However since this was booked DD and I have both come down with stinking colds and have barely slept the last two nights. He hasn't done anything additional to help but has been at work. I was looking forward to him helping out Tuesday before he went away, giving me a chance to rest and maybe have a lie in etc...

He has now turned around as said he wants to go at midday Tuesday instead of 5pm. I feel upset and angry that he hasn't thought of me and that I would need a break. I haven't and wouldn't expect him to cancel the evening and night away but would expect him to help in the day before he went.

We're just about to exchange on a very difficult house purchase. I've spent a long week chasing solicitor and vendor and pulling my hair out over the infuriating chain we're in. We've both been packing in spare time and feeling very stressed. I've not had any solid sleep in 8 months and I honestly don't know if I'm being a bitch in feeling upset about this. He has said all he wants is one afternoon & night away and that I'm massively over reacting. He has time off over Xmas and Jan (for house move) but it's now that we're ill!!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

4-5 times in 8 months is a lot. When do you get nights off away from home?

He sounds like he thinks parenting is your job and he can carry on pretty much as before.

[WellErrr]

YABU.

It'll be a Christmas night out to see his friends, you admit he doesn't do it often. It's not fair to expect him to cancel just because you and the baby have colds.

I get it, I truly do. I've been there. But YABU and unfair. It's only a cold.

Hope you're feeling better soon

[gamerchick]

When do you get your afternoon and night away? some place to get some uninterrupted me time and sleep.

[WellErrr]

You could have a weekend away in January could you not?

If he's usually an arse and there are underlying issues then they need to be addressed, but the day before he goes isn't the time.

[Bearberry]

It's not the night I expect him to cancel. It'll be me that needs to settle baby so fair enough he can't do much to help there and might as well be out enjoying himself.

It's the afternoon element that pissed me off. More significantly it feels like a lack of consideration. He could take her out for an hour or just do most of the entertaining etc and allow me a nap or a bath or something in preparation for a crappy night up with her.

He does help generally with her on days off but he needs specific direction in it and doesn't use a lot of initiative. He also works long hours in his defence.

[FooFighter99]

And when is your afternoon+night off??? I get that he needs a break, but seeing as you do 99% all of the childcare I think you are equally entitled to a break! Has he even mentioned reciprocating this time off? Can you arrange a girls night out/sleepover (a spa break might be more appropriate with a night in a hotel so you can catch up on sleep).

You ANBU - he is being selfish

[Joinednow]

I am sick of hearing of all these men who fucking think a child is a mother's primary responsibility and couldn't give a fuck.

[Joinednow]

You are on maternity leave, you aren't on a fucking holiday.
Take a week off, leave baby with him and go somewhere.
LTB

[MrsTerryPratchett]

She could have a weekend away in January? What about the other 4 nights away?

The baby wakes every 2-3 hours overnight. He's being a cock.

[GoofyTheHero]

4-5 nights away in 8 months? That is a lot. Have you had the same?
Completely understand where you're coming from. Just a couple of hours to shower/wash your hair/nap before he goes away would be a massive help to you and very little inconvenience to him.

[Bearberry]

She is bf and won't take a bottle, we've tried extensively. Now she is on solids I am able to leave her for a couple of hours but certainly no stretch of time so I am pretty frazzled with it generally if I'm honest.

I went for Christmas drinks this week between 4-6:30pm and he had her. He played with her, and did the bed time routine ready for me to put her down. When I got home he said it was hard, she was very hard to pacify and was crying a lot. Evening is a bad time for her generally and it gives me no hope in having more time off soon!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You manage 4-5 nights in 8 months on your own (and basically every night on your own) and he finds 2 1/2 hours tough. Some balance needs to happen.

[Joinednow]

You are doing yourself no favour. It's not really his fault as you are facilitating all this for him.

[Domino20]

YANBU. I've been out socially 4/5 times in the last 8 YEARS. He's taking the piss!

[LapinR0se]

You need to stop feeding to sleep.
I know that does not sound helpful but it is the best piece of advice you will get on here.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It's not his fault? I've heard it all now. DH used to take DD and do stuff with her because SHE IS HIS CHILD. I'm not DH's mummy that I should make him parent. FFS. It's the woman's fault that a man can't be arsed to step up?

[Bearberry]

I agree. I go back to work end of Feb and he is due to have her two days a week, I think then he might be appreciative of my position. The nights away, he has had 2-3 seperate occasions of 1 night out at a friends house and then a couple of other seperate nights of having a friend or two over here, for drinks in the back room and of course now this night away. Is that a lot? Generally he spends evening with me at home and most of his days off with me and DD.

I have had 5 2hour sessions where my mum has had DD (two of which I used to pack house and one I went to lunch with friends) and he has had DD alone 3 times once for an hour, and two 2 hourish slots.

[29redshoes]

I've been out socially 4/5 times in the last 8 YEARS

What on earth?! Why?

[Bearberry]

Yes totally agree on the feeding to sleep but she is very strong willed and I'm on my knees as it is so really not up for the battle at present...

We have spent so much time and energy thrashing out the house work element that I haven't really tried with childcare. Occasionally I'll get really annoyed and say he needs to do more to which he will be incredulous and tell me to tell him what and he'll happily do it... It's the not considering me or the bigger picture that gets me. That and not using his initiative.

[Chipperton]

I've got a DH like this, at least he was like this until I we had a frank and serious chat. He now knows that a night out for him means the same amount of 'off duty' time for me.

If your baby is 8 months old and he's had 5 nights out it sounds like he goes out at least once every six weeks. When do you get some time to do what you want to do? An hour here and there is not exactly fair is it?

And the old 'he works hard' chestnut isn't an excuse. When someone says 'I work hard' or 'he works hard' etc it implies you and the rest of us don't. Looking after children is work if it wasn't hard men would be tripping over themselves to pack in their jobs and become stay at home parents.

Sit down and talk to him. Explain to him that from now on, any child free leisure time is to be divided 50/50. If he gets a night out (5-6 hours?) you get the same time.

This nearly ended my marriage, thankfully I put my foot down and it has now stopped but if you don't nip it in the bud he will continue to take the piss.

The six weekly night out will become once a month then once a fortnight. Until you realise he's taking all the free time for himself and treating you like a maid.

[Joinednow]

He isn't using his initiative because he knows he will get away with it.
Will he do the same at work? Not fucking use his head and get away with it? I suspect no, so why do that at home? It's because YOU are there to pick up the slack.

What happens in Feb when you go back to work and baby falls ill on his two days? Will he be able to cope with taking her to doctors or hospital? Or will he call you to leave work and come home because he can't cope.

He's as much a parent as you are and you have to take a step back and let him parent.

[GoofyTheHero]

If the nights out are full nights away it sounds like quite a lot.
DH didn't go out much socially for the first year of DD1's life as although I was BF she was a horrific sleeper and he would take shifts in the night (resettling with cuddles etc) while got at least on decent block of sleep. Now the DC are 3 and 17 months we're both just starting to get a social life back!
The point here is that you're ill and knackered and have asked for a bit of consideration, and he isn't giving it to you.

[juneau]

YANBU to expect him to leave at 5pm, if that's what he previously said he would, thereby being around with you both during the day and pulling his weight a bit around the house.

As for feeding to sleep - as a mum who BF both my babies (and got stuck in a rut of BF-ing DS1 to sleep for a bit until I realised what a burden I was placing on myself), I would try and break that habit right now. When I had DS2 I made damn sure from day one that I never BF him to sleep as it made my life too hard. BF-ing is one thing - being the one and only thing that can soothe your DC to sleep is another.