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To think DM should be able to do what she wants this xmas?

(14 Posts)
judybloomno5 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:17:44

Its a long story but my DF passed away very suddenly in the spring. It was obviously a really hard time for everyone involved not only his death but not knowing what was wrong with him and having no answers. A lot has happened since, I have had a baby, moved house with a newborn and a toddler. DM who is only in her mid 50s has also sold our family home and moved. This will be our first christmas without my DF who was the linchpin of our family and obviously that alone is enough.

My DB and I have never got on since we became adults. I have tried and tried to help him in various ways from helping him move to helping him take his previous employers to court when he was dismissed. All I want is a good relationship with my brother but as he said in a heated discussion we are 'just not compatible'.
I have repeatedly tried as have the rest of the family to help him and support him when he is on his own (no partner and in his early 30s) since our DF died and he ignores everyone- citing that our family aren't 'intellectual enough' and I haven't achieved anything with my life. He has mental health issues which he acknowledges but refuses to treat them (though he's not scared to use it as an excuse or trump card) and has racked up tens of thousands of pounds in debt which my DM has cleared. He expected to inherit cash from my DF's death (I knew we wouldn't as my dad had shown me his will in the past).
It appears my parents have hid what he was like (though as i had an inkling as my DF used to refer to him as thinking he had a bottomless pit of cash) but he's been really nasty to my DM who just takes it. When he doesn't get what he wants he will refer to my DF "DF wouldn't have wanted this" "You are showing prejudice towards me by preferring my sister". He's done an incredible amount of pretty awful things, stealing my DM's car and taking it over night, telling her that she forgets 'who she is' and makes her take him on days out and pay for everything.
And now Christmas politics have begun. I have invited my DM and my DGM to come to my house. I have the DGC and DM accepted and said that she would love to see the DGC and have lunch with us. She said she'd have to be with DB some of the day so to seem fair and I said that he could come too.

DM has now told me that he said he won't come to mine and thinks that she's 'being prejudiced' against him and treating me as a favourite and because she knows he won't go then she should be being 'neutral' and spending it at her home (where he's told her he is going to come home and stay over christmas) and not seeing us. She has said its her first xmas without her DH and therefore she's doing what she needs to do to be happy and thats seeing her DGC. He replies that he is his fathers only son and she is forgetting his values.

AIBU? He should be letting her do what she needs to do this xmas and if he doesn't want to tag along with her then he should back off? My DA says she can understand where he's coming from.

Am I being selfish because I want her to come to mine or to do what she want? I've told her to tell DB that she's going to Barbados with her new boyfriend to spend 'his fathers money' on rum and coconuts.

GoneGirl1234 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:26:47

YANBU at all!
Brother is being a manipulative so and so. Your poor mum should miss out on something she wants to do because your brother is making up some BS about that being only way of "respecting memory" of your DF?
I'm sure your DF would not want your DM to be unhappy or stressed or kept apart from her family at Xmas by your brother, and regardless of any other "values" brother thinks he might remember, that is the most important one.

Bringmewineandcake Mon 19-Dec-16 13:29:41

Sounds horrendous for your poor DM. Could you have her over on Xmas eve or Boxing Day instead? Chances are she wouldn't now come on Xmas day anyway as your brother has ruined it. Otherwise you risk a big family row which your dm won't want either.
Sorry for your loss flowers

humblesims Mon 19-Dec-16 13:34:19

Ugh, he sounds like the worst kind of manupulative manchild. YADNBU but I can understand your DM is going to feel bad whatever she does. You have invited him so if he chooses not to come then he cant cry about being treated differently. Really tricky and I'm sorry for your loss. What do you think your DF would suggest in this instance?

judybloomno5 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:37:42

I really don't know what he'd say :-( I wish I did.

DB wouldn't come to my DF's interment because he didn't want my DF's brother, sister and mother there. He thought it should be just me, DM and him. My DH and DGC shouldn't be invited.

My DM says she lives for me and my DDs which makes me ultra sad.

DailyFail1 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:42:01

Your brother sounds like he's harrassing your mum. If possible ask her to stay with you for a few weeks to get away from him. If he gets worse, you can log incidents on 101.

judybloomno5 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:42:04

DF used to comment on how odd DB was sometimes and then others he'd say he was 'alright'.

A few months ago he told me he'd 'tried for his fathers sake' to work things out with me and that all our family thought that I was a bitch and wasn't liked when in reality he hasn't spoken to them in months and ignores their phone calls and attempts to help him. Then I receive a John lewis gift voucher for xmas (admittedly in November!)

judybloomno5 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:44:56

DailyFail- Its all by text unfortunately and she's just moved into a new build after selling our family home. She told him that she wasn't sure if she wanted him to come there and he sent her abuse saying it was his fathers home and she only had it because of him....

FetchezLaVache Mon 19-Dec-16 14:01:30

Your brother sounds awful. It appears your DF had the measure of him!

This (*he sent her abuse saying it was his fathers home and she only had it because of him....*) is particularly appalling and I think it needs nipping in the bud now, as he has the potential to make your mum's life an absolute misery. I would advise her to text back pointing out that one way or another, it is HER home and he's not welcome there until he can keep a civil tongue in his head. And change the locks before she comes to you.

YelloDraw Mon 19-Dec-16 14:04:46

He is clearly a horrible human being but your parents have totally pandered to him.

PickAChew Mon 19-Dec-16 14:09:54

Bloody hell. I hope for the sake of womankind that he stays single.

Your mum needs to involve the police for things like her car being stolen. And tell the abusive manipulative twat where to get off, but I know that's easier said than done.

PollytheDolly Mon 19-Dec-16 14:13:37

Omg what a complete gaslighting arsehole.

Hope your DM and DGM have a fab Christmas at your house.

Leave him to it, the silly little boy angry

judybloomno5 Mon 19-Dec-16 14:18:39

Whats gas lighting?

She won't unfortunately. He's on the insurance and she let him use it for an afternoon. She agreed to let him use it to go and pick up a hire car so he could go to london to see his friends and we would go and pick it up from the hire car place. We got there and it was nowhere to be seen he had turned his phone off. She text him (he's blocked her calls so she can only text him) and he replied that she'd chosen to come and help me (i had a 3 week old baby and a toddler and just moved house) over spending time with him so he'd decided to take her car over picking up the her car as it was free.

judybloomno5 Mon 19-Dec-16 14:21:16

My DF used to say to my DM that he'd dread to think what DB would be like if anything happened to him. Well.

My parents were very hard on me as a child. I was no angel though. My DM in particular have pandered to him. She cleared his debts (after he'd spent 6 weeks saying he had a skeleton in his closet and would tell her 'one day') because my DF gave me a house deposit. DB wants a statement of what we have both had from them financially so he's sure its 'fair'. DM says that they have bailed him out of so many rental properties he probably owes her money if thats the case!!!

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