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To think the school should tackle the effects of porn on teenagers

(37 Posts)
TartYvette Mon 19-Dec-16 09:47:44

My 14 year old told me recently that the boys in her class are "dirty". I asked did she mean physically and she said no, the way they talk. It makes her uncomfortable. They talk sex and sexually towards the girls constantly. She says they watch porn and talk about what they've watched and then refer to their female classmates in similar terms. My daughter is "frigid" because she has not kissed a boy yet. I am horrified that this is the way it is. That she should feel uncomfortable and deemed worthy of a label because she is not ready for kissing boys yet. She is mature and has a good understanding of sex and what's involved and reads a lot so I'm not at all worried about her development or education but I am worried that she (and other girls) are going into an environment where they are being sexually harassed daily. It wouldn't be tolerated in a workplace. So, do I raise it with the school? Am I being unreasonable in thinking the school have a responsibility in making sure their students feel safe and unmolested while in their care? Or am I over-reacting? Should she just put up and shut up (no, I don't think she should at all) or is this all on me. To make sure she is mature enough not to care about this talk, or how they label her.

lovelearning Mon 19-Dec-16 09:48:53

.

YelloDraw Mon 19-Dec-16 09:52:09

Why is it always 'the school' who need to sort out society? Maybe parents should oh, I don't know, actually be responsible.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 19-Dec-16 09:53:55

OP cant tackle all the parents but she can ask the school to crack down on that kind of behaviour in the classroom.

Lilly948204 Mon 19-Dec-16 09:54:00

Of course you should inform the school. I'm a secondary teacher and we take this sort of thing very seriously. I would speak to the head of year.

MrsJayy Mon 19-Dec-16 09:54:34

Yes I think you should speak to the school if your daughter feels harassed. I think they do get talks about healthy relatiinships and respect in school guidence/PSE classes but they cant talk abput porn because they are underage. Dds did get some lessons about illegal images when they were in 6th year so they were 16/17.

notanetter Mon 19-Dec-16 09:56:08

I absolutely think this is something schools should be doing. Unfortunately, the government (regardless of what the Fail is saying today) has so far been resistant.

Over half of 11-13 year olds have seen pornographic material before starting secondary school, and 94% by your daughter's age. 53% of boys and 39% of girls see porn as a realistic depiction of sex. 42% of 15-16 year olds say that porn has given them ideas of sexual practices they would like to emulate.

It's not something new; but the internet has made pornographic material more accessible than ever. It's utterly irresponsible, in my opinion, to keep pretending it's not a problem.

This is an excellent resource (and no, I didn't write it!)

MrsJayy Mon 19-Dec-16 09:56:15

yellow you are right but this is happening in school so a school issue.

Lilly948204 Mon 19-Dec-16 09:59:34

Yellodraw I agree that parents should be doing more but the number you speak to who either have no idea how to deal with their children or just simply don't care is shocking. There is no reason for TartYvettes daughter to suffer because of other poor parenting. No pupil should feel uncomfortable in school for any reason, especially not because of inappropriate sexual comments or behaviour. As a school it is our responsibility to make the environment safe for all pupils and educate those in aspects of wider life that their parents don't.

Rockpebblestone Mon 19-Dec-16 10:00:03

Schools need to be responsible for at least what goes on within schools.

Would people say parents or other family members need to tackle sexual harassment in the workplace?

If this happens during lessons you would question why there is opportunity to have this sort of conversation during lessons.

If outside of lessons, then there is inderstandably more opportunity for it to occur. However schools have plenty of staff about the building and this should be tackled if spotted or reported. There also should be safer areas that your daughter can go during breaks where there are more staff who will step in if they see or hear anything that would constitute harassment.

TallyHoAndToodlePip Mon 19-Dec-16 10:00:49

I remember the boys at my school being like this when I was there and I'm now 29. They seemed to like to target the quiet, well behaved girls like myself to see if they could get a rise out of us. I was disgusted by their attitudes and questions but I just ignored it.

There was one boy who asked if I wanted to 'do a porno with him' (such a romantic proposition!) and call it 'Boffin does Britain'. I said no but he asked me this daily in front of his group of jeering friends for around a month. I also had another group of lads who would sidle up to me during art class and asked me if I'd ever given a blow job or had an orgasm. Say no and you're called frigid, say yes and you're called a slut. Silence was my only response.

The teachers knew what the boys were like but we're all but powerless to do anything about it. They had enough trouble just trying to get them to focus on their work and learn anything, let alone curb their raging hormones.

I'm not condoning it as I certainly didn't enjoy it but I'm just saying this isn't a new or modern phenomenon. Speak with the school but I personally believe the boys parents need to be involved because they should be the ones raising their boys with respect. The schools can't do everything.

TartYvette Mon 19-Dec-16 10:03:02

Yello generally blaming or heaping blame on the school bugs me too but I cannot see where else these kids are gathered where anyone has any right to tackle the subject or any hope of being listened to. Also my daughter has to attend school and therefore she should be safe there. I am trying to educate my children to be respectful, stand up for themselves, etc but her classmates are not mine to educate. I know a lot of their parents and while I think they'd be perturbed by their children causing their classmates upset I also think they'd say well, boys will be boys. I have a (younger) son and I will be ensuring he knows what is and is not acceptable to talk about in school and to respect his classmates. How do you think I should tackle this situation?

GetAHaircutCarl Mon 19-Dec-16 10:04:45

Schools cannot stop pupils watching porn or it affecting them.

They can however take a zero tolerence stance on sexual harassment within school and they should.

Everytimeref Mon 19-Dec-16 10:06:31

Has your daughter told anyone at school? Schools can only be supportive if they are aware of issues.

Rockpebblestone Mon 19-Dec-16 10:07:12

IME it is not just boys that exhibit this sort of behaviour. I got similar comments from girls concerning my lack of experience with boys, as a teen.

I know of boys who have been victim to similar kinds of comments.

Haggisfish Mon 19-Dec-16 10:08:38

There are two issues here-your child absolutely should not be harassed like that in school and I would be complaining/informing school. I'm head of pshe and we do indeed run a session in how porn affects teenagers. Very ordinary comp in small town, class of 30 15 year olds-every single one of them had seen porn. We discuss the inaccuracies in porn in terms of body appearances, sex and relationships. We can discuss it, even though they are under the ago of consent, in an age appropriate way. We show a huge picture board of normal genitalia and breasts as well. Our students have responded really well. Ask school about their pshe programme.

Haggisfish Mon 19-Dec-16 10:11:18

I will also add I rely entirely on the willingness of teachers in my school to deliver these sessions-as you can imagine, it is quite a tricky session to run. We also do sessions on healthy and unhealthy relationships, mental health and other such topics. Bloody love pshe, so I do!!

Stormwhale Mon 19-Dec-16 10:12:32

Yanbu at all. Not in the slightest.

I'm fuming that young girls are having to live with this shit. I hope to bring my dd up as a proud feminist, and show her that this is completely unacceptable.

In your shoes I would be looking to empower my child. I would try and bring the strong feminist out in her so she can stand up to these shit heads.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Mon 19-Dec-16 10:15:37

I watched a TED talk on this very thing the other day - it made me cry. I don't know where to start keeping my sons safe and the women around them.

I don't know the answer but I do know that it needs tackling. Fast. We're breeding a generation of people that think anal and money shots and basically degrading women is the norm within a healthy relationship. And they're getting that message younger and younger and it's totally shaping their world view.

notanetter Mon 19-Dec-16 10:16:48

I'm pretty upset that my young sons are having to deal with it, too, storm; they are currently in Y7 and have already come home talking about a vertical learning session (i.e. mixed year groups) in which the Y10 boys at their table were talking explicitly about porn in a way that made them feel very uncomfortable.

ilovesooty Mon 19-Dec-16 10:17:39

Every pupil should feel safe at school. I'd contact the Head of year on that basis initially.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic Mon 19-Dec-16 10:19:47

I've also taught about porn as part of a wider PSE programme on e safety including grooming and sexting.

Access to porn has become easier since is it no longer the preserve of top shelf magazines.

At school 20+ years ago, I was called frigid because I hadn't snogged anyone, so nothing new there. That age group is exploring sexuality, and part of that is comparing with others. There always has been and always will be a huge amount of blagging and bluster.

In general terms, it is worth finding out about the PSE programme (they tend to vary in effectiveness from school to school). What teachers hear and pick up on, they should challenge, but the reality is that they can't 100% police it. If it takes the form of bullying or harassment, then that needs addressing.

CauliflowerSqueeze Mon 19-Dec-16 10:20:25

There was a boy in my year group about 10 years ago who would upset girls asking them about porn and talking about what sorts of things he would like to do.

I had a little chat with him (he was 13) and said how extremely worried I was about it all and asked if he needed help. He was mortified that he was actually being confronted about it and reiterated again and again how he was a virgin and had never had a girlfriend and had never done any of these things. "Ok well let's leave it there then shall we. I'm sure there won't be any further occurrences. If there are I will need to take more action". I never specified what. He scurried out.

Checking in casually with the girl(s) he had been upsetting over the next few weeks and months and he never made another comment again.

It's a mixture of hormones / bravado / power. Once it's addressed then 99% stop.

OP yes you should contact the school. Ask her to write down some of the comments as well. He's bound to be saying them to others. "I understand you said these words - perhaps you could let me know if this quotation is exactly right - "I want to xxx your xxx and xxx" ? If your mum was sitting here right now, what would she say? Shall we ring her and ask?"

Kids say things because they think they will get away with it.

Just tell your son never to say anything in school he wouldn't be happy to repeat in front of you. That's the standard.

JacquesHammer Mon 19-Dec-16 10:21:38

Why is it always 'the school' who need to sort out society? Maybe parents should oh, I don't know, actually be responsible

Because these particular incidents are happening in the school therefore school need to deal with that?

AndShesGone Mon 19-Dec-16 10:25:24

The schools do tackle relationships appropriately in pshec.

However, since the majority of people don't prevent their young people watching porn by using parental controls or limiting access to technology at night I don't think it's really the schools responsibility.

If parents don't do the above then it's very likely it's your kid passing round the inappropriate images. And they're always shocked as mustard when we tell them.

They genuinely think if they tell them not to/bring them up 'properly they won't look for it on the internet. Well they do.

I've heard every excuse going in schools. I've had dads lean over and say 'well they're all doing it I don't want him to be left out or know nothing' and 'I'm not putting controls on because I want to watch porn'. Accompanied by a fucking wink. And every version of the above including it's all schools fault as there's 'internet there' (with controls on).

Preventing young people accessing inappropriate material is very difficult and requires ongoing vigilance.

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