Please help.....(10 Posts)
Hi. This is my first post after reading for years so apologies if I break norms of posting. Short background is met DH when 19 together ever since, nearly 20 yrs. DS1 10 ,DS2 9. 15 yrs ago moved 300 miles to be nearer his family and be able to afford bigger house. His family......well. he's the youngest, 2 older sisters who have no children. 1 is very bitter about this. Both have serious MH issues and provide constant drama. FIL quiet closet racist, have to bite my tongue or leave the room, MIL completely mental. She does unforgivable things but gets away with it as whole family enables it. Some examples over past 20 yrs...... when we got first house she refused to come and stay unless me and then boyfriend slept in separate beds..... she ended up on sofa cos I wasn't putting up with that in my own home. She referrers to everything we have as DHs property solely, she used the bucket we use for tropical fish to scrub the hallway floor using bleach. All on purpose, and all to cause drama. I caught on very quick not to engage. All of this.(and there's a he'll of a lot I'm leaving out) I deal with. I have never had a cross word with any of them, because while I can deal with individual incidences of crazy, causing long standing fights would a. Feed in to their crazy, and b. Be unfair, because they do not have the tools to function as rational human beings.
But my immediate problem is not with them. My mum, dad and brother are staying with us for a few days and my relationship with them is not great, but again, over the years and with some counselling I can see that I can't change anyone's behaviours only my own. My dad was extremely disrespectful towards me last night, and also to an object in my hom e made for me by a family member who is no longer with us. DH pulled him up on it and they all subsequently left (they are staying at hotel nearby as we don't have enough room)
AIBU to be really really angry with DH,? As I said last night, how can he expect better behaviour from someone who in 20 years has always been controlling and selfish (there is a reason I was happy to move 300 miles) He has made a difficult visit even harder for me to get through, we only see them roughly twice a year and it usually takes me 3_4 days to mentally recover. This time I have been coping well u til last night.
Mentioned his family in detail at beginning of post because I feel I put up with a hell of a lot of crap from his family constantly, why can't he be supportive of me for just 4 days. Am Sat here waiting for them to come over on verge of tears. I am not confrontational so last night's argument with DH was hard for me.
Thanks in advance for any comments
I have similar issues with my family and indeed I deliberately don't spend time with them over Xmas due to mental stress. I think you need to teach your husband how to behave if and when your parents act up. He was trying to protect you - a very kind act - but I can understand the mental anguish this has put you under. At this stage you need his love and support and so uveitis suggest sitting down with him and explaining how you feel. Good luck. It's tough, I know
I have no idea what to suggest but I am sorry you are going through this.
Your DH might not have the same self control you have, and perhaps felt he should stick up for you when your Dad was rude.
How does your OH view / respond to his mother? TBF the examples you gave didn't seem all that terrible if they're the most outrageous you could recall in 15 / 20 years, but accepting that there's a whole lot of history you haven't mentioned, does your OH consider her behaviour to be unreasonable and does he pick her up on it?
If not, then he is BU for not applying the same approach to his own parents as he did to your dad. But if he is generally more assertive when people behave inappropriately I think YABU for demanding that he lets them walk over him just because you prefer to respond that way.
Generally I think YABU to see your OH's response as unsupportive towards you. Your dad was disrespectful to you/ your home - your OH was reasonable not to stand for that IMO.
I think YABU, your DH was being supportive of you. You need to have a discussion between the 2 of you on how you want situations like this to be dealt with in future.
You are right, you cant make your family do anything, but you dont have to put up with their crap either.
Thank you for responses. Yes I think OH was trying to be supportive, but does not do the same with his own family. He admits they are crazy behind their backs but does nothing at the time. If my examples of MIL don't seem extreme enough for you, she has also threatened to call social services as she has phoned me screaming and crying that I shouldn't put my children in 'care'. I was putting youngest in DAY care as was going back in to education. She has also called me names at family events in front of people who are strangers to me and in private. DH treats it as a joke. It is not.
Over the years me and DH have had Many discussions on how to deal with my family, I think he just lost his temper for a second. I am angry at the double standard, and that if I can deal with it so should he.
This is very serious. I am staying at a hotel tonight. I don't want to back down as I feel I do thAt constantly, and frankly am sick of it. Christmas is not a good time of year for us and I think thIs is making things worse.
Your comments are appreciated
Sounds awful and you have my complete sympathy. Xmas always makes things worse as there's so much expectation and people feel obliged to see family. I now say "fuck that" and we bugger off to a hotel for Xmas as I can't deal with the drama from my parents. You need time to heal and get your head together. However, I would urge you to text your husband to let him know you're safe and that you need time to regather your mental strength.
Thank you strongmummy, funnily enough I have suggested holidays over xmas for exactly the same reason. DH knows where I am. From what all have said and after looking at situation with objective eyes I think I need to 're draw lines with people. Thanks all. Merry xmas.
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