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AIBU to ask if you loved your mum

(152 Posts)
cherrycrumblecustard Sun 18-Dec-16 22:22:51

I know for some that might seem a silly question.

But if you didn't, or couldn't, how does it affect your parenting?

I never used to think it made much difference but I think it does as I almost expect my children not to love me, which is sad in a way.

I just wondered if anyone could help I suppose smile

Mulberry72 Sun 18-Dec-16 22:27:34

I'm adopted, but I absolutely adored my adoptive Mum (she passed away Aug 2015), when I was a little girl I wanted to be exactly like her and I try my best to parent my DS the way she did me. I realise that they say nobodies perfect, but to me (even as an adult) my Mum was perfect.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Sun 18-Dec-16 22:30:56

No. But she didn't love me.

Hasn't affected my parenting.

StStrattersOfMN Sun 18-Dec-16 22:33:11

Same as Joff.

I tried, for decades. No point though, so I have up.

StStrattersOfMN Sun 18-Dec-16 22:33:33

<hugs Joff>

GravyAndShite Sun 18-Dec-16 22:35:45

Am. I love her, but not how I imagine many people love their mums. There's a huge backstory and she rarely showed she loved me, nor said the words.

I know I parent differently to that and I share a love and bond with dd so strong that it sometimes overwhelms me.

Did your mum love you? Do you love your children?

WhiskyAndTwiglets Sun 18-Dec-16 22:35:52

At the time, of course I'd have said yes. Looking back, no not really. She hadn't had a mother at all herself and was utterly mucked up and had depression all her life (while denouncing the mere idea depression existed and scorning those who couldn't just get on with things, without seeing the irony).
It probably has affected my parenting 😔

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 18-Dec-16 22:37:24

I adored my Mum, she was my Best Friend too, five years after her death I still miss her every single day. I was very lucky to have had wonderful parents, i just wish they could of stayed in my life longer.

SiennaNealon Sun 18-Dec-16 22:37:39

Only one of my siblings has a positive relationship with DM. I was worried about how this game would be with my DS but it's totally different. I adore him and would have had a few more had I been able. I'm a million times better parent.

firstcardtoday Sun 18-Dec-16 22:39:04

I don't love my mother - I actually don't even like her. I feel ashamed to even feel it - and never say it - as I have never come across anybody who feels that way about their mother. But she gave me away to complete strangers when I was six and didn't come back for me. They rightly felt that they had been dumpedI on and abused me in every way. I went to her when I was in my early twenties. - looking to belong to a family . And my relationship with her ever since has been superficial, tense, stressful and unpleasant.

parumpapumpuuum Sun 18-Dec-16 22:40:18

I love my mum beyond measure.

She loves me beyond measure.

I'm very lucky to have her (and my amazing dad) in my life.

They're good, hard working, normal folk who have done well for themselves. They both have that wonderful Glaswegian sense of humour and they are very straight talking.

And they always have my back.

Thanks for posting this tonight. I've just realised I'm fucking lucky!

Catlady1976 Sun 18-Dec-16 22:41:33

I adored my mum and she adored me too. I miss her do much. She passed away 7 years ago and never got to see Dd3.

Catlady1976 Sun 18-Dec-16 22:43:56

Threads like this make me sad as I still miss her so much but also thankful for the years we had together as she was a great mum.

WilburIsSomePig Sun 18-Dec-16 22:44:36

I loved my mum so much. She was warm, loving, funny and everything I hope I am for my DC's. I miss her so much. I would love to have one more meaningless, nonsense chat with her. She was amazing.

moanyhole Sun 18-Dec-16 22:45:00

She was a permanently angry self centred woman who didn't like us, in fact hated us and told us so, I'd have settled for her just liking me.I don't live her but I do keep u contact for my dad's sake

Dawndonnaagain Sun 18-Dec-16 22:45:40

For various reasons, I split with dh this year (all available on other threads). I don't think I can be much like my mum. My children have all stood by me, looked after me (are still looking after me), will all be here for Christmas. My mother has four children, three of whom have nothing to do with her, that includes me.
I wanted her to love me when I was young. By the time I was in my twenties I knew it wouldn't happen, so hoped she'd at least like me, find me interesting, amusing, anything. By my thirties I hoped for a bit of respect. Nothing, nada. I stopped speaking to her in my forties and am now late fifties. It's been great! I just hope my children take less time with their father than I did with my mother!

Follyfoot Sun 18-Dec-16 22:45:51

No, I don't love mine. Don't think I ever have, she has never really shown any love to me. TBH I had to work hard at parenting when DD was small, I wasn't sure what to do and just muddled through. I used my experiences as a kind of 'what not to do', but it took time to work out what I should be doing.

DH (DD's step father) is a fantastic parent, and I've learnt a lot from him. Am pleased to say that DD and I have a very happy and healthy loving relationship.

moanyhole Sun 18-Dec-16 22:46:29

I'm a much better mother as I do exact opposite of what she did

girlandboy Sun 18-Dec-16 22:46:57

Yes I did. But I don't now.
I've trodden on eggshells around her all my life, and if anyone had asked if I loved her I would have said yes. But I didn't like her.
But I find it hard to love someone who tried to throttle me, punch me and kick me in the stomach.

AngryVagina Sun 18-Dec-16 22:51:04

I've fought hard to try and make my mum love me like I see everyone else's mum love them but she doesn't seem capable and only recently am I starting to accept that, it's very difficult and she is doing a lot of things that make me lost any respect for her right now. As for the effect this is having/will have on my parenting...I don't think it will change much. I parent very differently to the way she did anyway, I think from the start, I felt a love that my mother had never shown me and I find it impossible not to show my daughter the love I feel for her. She and her sister (due soon) will always know that love from me in a way I never did.

HumpMeBogart Sun 18-Dec-16 22:51:50

I didn't for a long time, and I still don't like her - but I'm trying to find a way to have a relationship with her. My upbringing is the main contributory factor to my long-term chronic depression, and that's one of the reasons I couldn't have children. I was terrified I'd inflict on my own kids what she did to me.

For those of you who went on to have families despite having bad relationships / no relationships with your own mothers, I'm so pleased that you've broken the cycle.

AngryVagina Sun 18-Dec-16 22:53:18

I guess I didn't answer the question - after feeling what she SHOULD have felt for me, I'm starting not to.

fc301 Sun 18-Dec-16 22:53:33

Firstly I fail to see how people posting how amazing their mums are is helpful to OP here.
Secondly yes of course some mums are deeply deeply flawed. It will affect your parenting, particularly if it has affected your self esteem, your idea of normal relationships and your general happiness.
I have found that the more you can understand and come to terms with it the more sane you will feel yourself.
I am reading Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori.
Also google undermothered an emotionally unavailable mother.
Sending love xx

salsamad Sun 18-Dec-16 22:54:07

I loved my Mum so very much. She was strong, supportive, caring and a very loving person.
It broke my heart when she suffered terribly with vascular dementia and her deterioration was heart breaking to witness.
I still feel guilty now that I was not as patient and understanding with her as I feel I should of been, especially when her behaviour became more erratic and difficult.
My Dad died 9 years ago and my mum died 7 years ago and I miss them both very much. They were wonderful parents.

fc301 Sun 18-Dec-16 22:54:41

*and

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