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to feel terribly lonely even though I have some great friends?

(9 Posts)
itstimeforchange Sun 18-Dec-16 21:29:33

Sorry, this is a bit of a 'feeling sorry for myself' post. (Long few months with lots of stress that's not over properly til 23rd Dec which probably doesn't help.)

So it's probably relevant to say that DH doesn't really talk to me unless he has something he wants to talk about, i.e. doesn't listen to any of my 'troubles'/topics of conversation but usually regales me with his own (that bit is fine, just would be nice to be listened to a bit more...).

I have some lovely friends but I guess the issue is that I feel that they're all quite arm's length, and by that I mean I see them out at various places/volunteer together, that kind of thing, but then off they go to their own bubble and off I go to mine. I have always been one for inviting people to my house when the occasion arises, but there is a particular pair of friends that I see fairly regularly at these things and then because I see them quite a bit, feel that it's over the top to invite them over for yet more chat with no specific reason to, when they are happy to go off home together. (And anyway, in their case, what I would really like is to go to their house/go somewhere with them, and I can't very well invite myself along...! Maybe I'm just envious of their marriage, which appears a very happy, balanced one, unlike mine so much, and I want to be with them instead of here. Humph.)

I guess, thinking about it, my other good friends are ones that I really don't see often (either coz they live far away or are busy with young families) so I'm probably relying on this lovely couple to fill the gap a bit, and then even after spending what is actually quite a lot of time with them, still want more...

The point is, I've literally just spent well over an hour with them before and after an event we were all at, chatting with them for most of this time while we were serving and helping clear up, etc. And then I come home and feel awful, when I should feel happy. sad

itstimeforchange Mon 19-Dec-16 16:03:44


witchofzog Mon 19-Dec-16 16:21:03

The problem isnt with your friends but with your dh who should be a source of companionship. My dp is similar and I often feel the same. If you had more friendship from your dh you would not feel sadness after a nice night out I suspect. What was he like when you met him?

YelloDraw Mon 19-Dec-16 16:54:10

I think having a nice time with your friends is making you realise how lonely you are with your DP.

itstimeforchange Fri 06-Jan-17 12:54:06

Totally missed these replies! Thanks both.

When I met DH he was living with his mum for a brief period of time after being made redundant, and so he always wanted to get out of the house to have our own space. This meant tons of one-to-one time and loads of chatting in pubs, parks, on walks, etc. I love being outside so this suited me fine! One thing I didn't see at the time was that most of his talk was reminiscing (which he loves to do) and not actually a huge amount of interest in me - I was happy to let him do most of the talking at the time, being a bit younger and less self-confident.

When he got his own place things were not dissimilar because we would visit each other's houses, and therefore focus on each other much of the time while visiting, but when we moved in together, and shortly afterwards got married, it gradually became clear that his first love was and is the computer. He spends hours and hours on it every day (he only works 3 hrs a week (don't even go there) and technically is a house-husband but doesn't actually KEEP house/do much except for the laundry and doing school runs, so it's a fairly pointless title).

He will come and talk to me sometimes (I work from home) but only when he has something he wants to talk about. I am mostly talked at, not with.

If I want to talk about something, he is only even vaguely interested if it's something he has an opinion about, in which case he will flatten me with that opinion and I feel like I'm 'not allowed' to disagree, even though often I try to (i.e. he will argue black is white if it suits him, no matter if I'm actually right or not!). He is totally disinterested in most things I want to talk about, including a health problem I have which I desperately wish he would support me emotionally with.

Ironically, we share a large number of interests... Sadly walking/being outdoors isn't actually one of them, so it turns out.

pugchops Fri 06-Jan-17 22:05:30

I could have written this post, I am in a very similar position. I feel incredibly lonely, I have friends, but like you it is always me instigating meeting up, It makes me feel so sad and isolated.

My oh works long hours and when he is with me he is more often than not glued to his laptop. We rarely talk about 'real' things and doesn't want to go out and do things.

I feel incredibly sad that night after night I am on my own.

itstimeforchange Fri 06-Jan-17 23:49:39

Long hours are hard, and I can totally understand your OH to want to just relax alone when he gets home, but it's horrible isn't it? confused I go from being super-happy/contented to so lonely really quickly. I suffer from depression and anxiety at times too which never helps.

Sorry that you are on your own so much and feeling so alone flowers

Disabrie22 Sat 07-Jan-17 00:27:57

I feel the same - I think it's down to how peripheral you are to a couple or a group - we've got loads of wonderful friends but they pair up and holiday together based on the dynamics of the children and interests the husbands share. We are just always the slightly odd ones out - and it hurts sometimes no matter how impersonal it is. I often feel like making no effort as I feel so low around these people - but have found if I don't make the effort these friendships completely drift - as I'm the one making the effort. I don't know what the answer is but it's hard finding those strong friendships when you are older.

Disabrie22 Sat 07-Jan-17 00:49:10

Hope you feel better OP - wierdly writing that has helped - hope talking to us can help you.

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