My bloody moody mother

[hanban89]

My mother is, shall we say, hard work. She has a very bad temper and if anyone ever goes against her she flies off the handle and will not talk to them for as long as it takes for them to be the ones to make the first move. My dad, my sister and me often have discussions about it and say how horrible she can be to people, but just try our best to keep the peace.
Anyhoo, this afternoon she phoned my BIL who was working with me today to ask if he would go round tonight and help move some furniture, he said fine. Anyway just before we left work I said phone her and ask if it can wait till the morning as me and DH are going round anyway as she was going to look after our two DDs so we could go to the cinema, and we would move everything round before we went. Btw we never ask her to watch DDs at weekend so this is a super rare event. She said that was fine. He did say he would do it if she wanted but still she said no it was fine.
Five minutes later she phoned back to say I had interfered and she wanted it done tonight and to not bother coming round or drop the kids off as she isn't going to look after them anymore and hung up. I was in total shock. Really was. My BIL was quite shocked as well and said that sounds like something my mother would normally do. So AIBU? I thought I was just saving him going round tonight as he would have been walking home after which is a 40minute walk.

Just to add if I don't phone and apologise she won't speak to me until I do. I actually can't stand this bizarre behaviour anymore. You just never know what is going to set her off.

[Rubyslippers7780]

Your mother is acting like a controlling child. It's her way or the highway. I wouldn't phone or go round. Have you ever just left her to it? She is counting on you behaving like you always do and bowing to whatever demands she makes. Just stop.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Whether you were right or wrong is hardly the issue (and I don't think you did anything unreasonable).

Your mother's pattern of behaviour is outrageous. Would it be so very terrible for you if you didn't have contact with her? Would she "ban" your father from seeing you?

[ColdAsIceCubes]

My DM is the same! You're never going to win unfortunately. My DM had a similar strop 6 years ago, we haven't spoken since because I refused for once in my life to be the person to mend the bridge.

Unfortunately for me, this has meant my dad and siblings being nc with me too, but it has meant I don't live my life on eggshells or in her power to decide how she will play the game or how she can hurt my dc in the fallout.

[Rubyslippers7780]

Totally agree with Very.
You will have the guilts but be strong. You all sound like you have had enough of her tantrums.

[gamerchick]

Maybe this time let her stew and leave her to it?

Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.

[hanban89]

I've left her to it a couple times both times resulting in months of NC, until I finally give in and call her.
The last serious time was when she came to see me at work and was wanting a lift home, but I wasn't a mind reader and didn't know this, and my SIL was giving me a lift as I didn't have the car with me. And because my SIL didn't give her a lift she told her to pick up her wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses etc 6 weeks before her wedding which she was meant to be altering. I think she didn't speak for about 4 months.
My sister has filled out a Visa to go to Australia and she says its to escape mother (her hubby is from Oz) and she can't stand her behaviour anymore either.
I know also my dad sometimes has words with her but she doesn't listen to him.
I often get really upset and my DH doesn't speak to her much anymore as he doesn't take anyone's attitude. He'll say it how it is and she doesn't like him for that either.
She looks after my DDs one day a week and I don't know how would otherwise afford the childcare.

[gamerchick]

Ah so she has power over you?

You need to take that power away somehow so you don't need her at all.

[hanban89]

Yea she has said in the past that I need her more than she needs me
DH has said, before we should go no contact but it's hard.
I think this time though I need to let her stew. I've stores the DDs Xmas presents in her attic so will need to go round at some point

[Birthdaypartyangstiness]

I would send her a little card saying something like:
Dear Mum. You know we love you and just want us all to get on as a family. Unfortunately that means living with each other's imperfections -people aren't perfect. Sometimes we'll upset each other, almost certainly unintentionally. That is just life and I think we can all accept that. What we can no longer accept is what we see as a completely unreasonable response to these day to day disagreements -silent treatment, sulking and disproportionate consequences such as reneging on childminding at the last minute. Most disagreements are simple misunderstandings between two (or more) people and it seems to me the best way to resolve them is quickly with mutual apology and a mutual wish to move on. I do think your response over BIL and the furniture was uncalled for, but i appreciate that you were upset despite there being no intention of upsetting you. On this occasion please accept my sincere apology. However, I hope you understand that I cannot accept this kind of response to these disagreements in future. There will always be misunderstandings and disagreements so I hope we can agree to deal with them better. Otherwise I will have to leave the problem (whatever it is) with you, if you choose to continue to behave in this way.

Lots of people end up going NC with people who behave like this. It is very emotionally manipulative, so I can understand why. But not everyone is emotionally intelligent, and I always think it's worth pointing out that a behaviour is unacceptable (being specific) and advising what you would find an acceptable alternative. And add consequences if you really mean it. Not much point adding consequences if you don't.

[underneaththeash]

I think you, your dad and your sister need to change the discussion and agree not to pander to her anymore. Its not too late for her to change.

[gamerchick]

Go with your bloke and collect them.

Seriously though look into alternative child-care, always have a plan b when mothers do the spitting and snarling thing. I learned that. It makes you feel more in control rather than 5 years old again.

[RockyBird]

I'm 3.5 years nc with my moody, controlling and sometimes violent mother. It has been FANTASTIC

I feel sorry for my brothers who still feel the need to dance to her tune.

[Manumission]

Why are you the one who gives in?

Don't engage with nonsense.

You have to insist that your own value is higher

[ivykaty44]

The reason she behaves like this is because she is allowed to
If you stop allowing her to treat you like this then she can't keep doing it to you

Give this back to her

Tell her you don't like the way she has behaved, it was unfair and uncalled for. If she wants to have a good relationship with you then it needs to stop.

You actually have nothing to lose

[Patriciathestripper1]

Oooooo birthday you are good 😊 I'm going to copy that for my mil

[claig]

hanban89, as the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. She is like that, she won't change now. You know how she is. I would say try to ignore it and humour her. In the big scheme of things, it's small potatoes. This is one of her bad points, but she must have good points too.

[hanban89]

Birthday that is a great message.
My poor dad is always left trying to keep the peace. Before he came here to see DDs but he had a terrible fall down the stairs in September and was left with a bad injury and can't drive yet so I would need to still take them round to see him. My mum will make a point of being out though I'm sure.
I have sent her a text. I said that her behaviour was uncalled for and childish. And if she wanted the furniture moving tonight she should have said that when asked instead of making an issue about it. I have NEVER stood up or said anything back before so this will be interesting!

[woodhill]

She sounds mean. I would leave her to it.

You sound very considerate.

[Serialweightwatcher]

You've done nothing wrong ....... my mother can be exactly the same - if things are not done her way, when and how she wants them I get the huffing, victim shite ....... you're lucky you have siblings - if I had, I wouldn't pander to her and would let her stew but I'm the only one so I can't

[Goingtobeawesome]

I hope you feel empowered, hanban89.

[mummydawn07]

YANBU.. stand your ground and don't make the first move you haven't done anything wrong, she sounds a bit like my mil who can act like a spoilt child at times she makes me so fucking sometimes.. anyway I digressed a bit. surely you DM will eventually realise she is being really pathetic over something so small, but I suppose as she has got her own way every time she behaves in this way she will continue, like a spoilt brat

[Graphista]

I'm Nc with dad and sister. 2nd time dad 3rd time sister they have very similar personalities. I massively regret giving in to mums demands to 'make up' in the past. Promises of changed behaviour were very short lived. People don't fundamentally change who they are. My life is far more peaceful without them in it. The only problem is it means my mum is much less supportive.

Recent events mean I'm now considering when the time is right moving away and having nothing to do with any family. They bring very little positive to my life and a lot of negative.

What you've described is exactly the kind of thing my dad/sister would do then mum will beg and plead for me to apologise first (except there'd be no actual 2nd apology from them because they are officially 'never wrong') and brother would just shrug shoulders 'you know what they're like'. Argh!

It's ludicrous behaviour from a supposedly grown adult. Give her ONE chance to apologise but if she won't stuff her! I'd bet you could find childcare if you really had to (not wishing her harm but what if she were ill/had an accident and couldn't watch kids anyway? Especially long term stuff?

Probably because of how my family are but I hate feeling obliged to anyone. Someone does me a favour I return it asap or get them a gift. And generally I don't ask favours.

You can't change her, you can change whether you put up with it.

[NiceFalafels]

Blimey. Well done.

[Ohdearducks]

Your text was perfect and you've done nothing wrong, you made a suggestion that she could either accept or decline but instead has tried to throw her toys out the pram because she's controlling and enjoys the power she's been allowed to lord over you all. She continues to behave the way she does because you've all allowed her to get away with it for so long.
Well done for standing up to her today, don't let her bully you any longer. Also, I don't blame your sister for going to Australia to get away from her, she's poison.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Well done for standing up to her! You all need to do it and she might realise she's in the wrong.


As your DC get older they need to see that no one is allowed to treat you like that.