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...to react to this? (another Christmas day/gifts thread!)

(13 Posts)
SpangledBoots Sat 17-Dec-16 17:00:07

Background:
I live away from home but fly back fairly often (usually at least every two months) to spend time with my dad and best friend. The more frequent travel home started when my gran was terminally ill - sometimes it was every weekend. She passed away over two years ago which hit me incredibly hard but my dad and I became much closer as a result so I love going home to see him.

He's going away this Christmas (as he often does) but I still planned to fly home to see best friend and other family - my grandad and my aunt. Two years ago I spent Christmas with them (the first since my gran passed - previously always spent Christmas with them for 6/7 years) so I'd assumed we'd be spending it together again this year.

I started a new job in October and am earning a fair bit more each month so I was really looking forward to being able to spoil my grandad, aunt and her daughter as a 'thank you for having me' sort of thing.

I was at home having a 'mini christmas' with my dad last weekend and found out that my aunt and granda have both been saying that they 'don't want me'. I did find it strange that neither of them had mentioned Christmas to me - no phone calls, messages etc. (I'd texted aunt to see what cousin was into these days and no mention even then) but I thought they'd just catch up with me nearer the time.

Their reasoning is that they feel I 'don't bother about them' which to be fair I can't exactly argue with...I pop down to my aunt's house sometimes when I'm home and see my grandad when he comes to dad's for Sunday lunch but I don't specifically make plans to see them. However, in the two years since my gran passed I've not had a single invitation from either of them to visit, do something etc.

My best friend and I had planned to spend a lot of Christmas together anyway and now she's saying that her mum's expecting me to stay with them for Christmas (I can stay at dad's for some of the time too) - I feel a bit like I'm imposing on them but also really thankful for their kind offer.

Now I'm feeling like I'd be better spending the bit of extra cash on treats for my friend's family as opposed to spoiling my own. I'd already bought various things for my aunt and cousin (skincare, lego etc.) but part of me wants to return it and just pick up some nice token chocolates from Hotel Chocolat and pass those on if they bother to see me at all when I'm back.

Or am I just over-reacting and should I give the gifts I've already got?

Dilligaf81 Sat 17-Dec-16 17:04:52

I can see both sides. Its annoying when you see a family member visit someone else lically to you but only seem to bother qith you when they have no where else to go.
Id give your family the presents youd bought and then ho to your friends house but make a point of visitibg your anuty and saying how much youve appreciated thwir hospitality. So YAB a tiny bit U but can easily deal with it and sort it out before it becomes a big rift.

NoFucksImAQueen Sat 17-Dec-16 22:06:28

I don't think yabu. You DO bother with them, you go to them every Christmas even though it involves a plane trip so I'm assuming it's quite a distance? Do they ever come see you?

NoFucksImAQueen Sat 17-Dec-16 22:08:45

My sisters live an hour away and we only see each other 3 times a year even still. Life gets busy, it's just how it is. You already make the effort to travel there every few months, do they never come to your dads to see you? You could argue you've done most of the journey why can't they pop in

AliceInUnderpants Sat 17-Dec-16 22:16:12

I think the main mistake was that you presumed you were spending Christmas with them. At any point did you ask to come, or did they invite you?

MillionToOneChances Sat 17-Dec-16 22:22:54

You just assumed you would go there for a Christmas but hadn't talked to them about this? Sounds like the first they heard of it was from your dad?

Give them the gifts, make sure you see them and then enjoy Christmas with your best friend's family. And if your grandad and aunt matter to you, keep in active contact with them throughout the year (send them messages or postcards) rather than just assuming you can have Christmas with them because you have in the past.

SpangledBoots Sun 18-Dec-16 08:23:49

It's a strange situation. My gran was the one who held it all together so with her gone things aren't the same.

I was totally spoiled with her coming to meet me at the airport with a big hug. It's about a two hour drive from where they live.

I'll give the gifts as planned and hopefully mange to catch up. I understand my grandad becoming a bit less proactive in his older age but I really don't think there's much excuse for my 40 year old aunt who I've always been able to get along with.

Lilaclily Sun 18-Dec-16 08:28:06

So does your granddad live alone or with your aunt ?

Is it just you or do you have a family, partner of your own?

Caboodle Sun 18-Dec-16 08:33:49

You are family; I don't think it's unreasonable to think you would spend Xmas with your family, surely Xmas is all about seeing family we don't get to see enough. And it sounds like you do bother, as a previous pp said, modern lives are busy.
You friend and her family sound lovely. Spoil them fsmile

BellyBean Sun 18-Dec-16 08:38:01

It sounds like a bit of a mix up. If you can afford (which it sounds like you can) to give the presents you have already bought to your family and buy more for your friends family you should.

Perhaps this year you can make more of an effort to visit your aunt etc when you're home. And next Xmas they will be more keen to see you.

It all boils down to whether you want to salvage the relationship or let it break.

Ellapaella Sun 18-Dec-16 08:51:57

It works both ways, like another poster said do they ever fly out to see you? If not then YANBU and they are being silly and petty. Take the present to your Grandad anyway then go and enjoy Christmas with your friend.

SpangledBoots Sun 18-Dec-16 20:26:48

I'm on my own.

When I go home it's very rural and I don't drive so it's really difficult to get around without asking for lifts or calling unreliable taxis. My aunt lives a few minutes' walk down a lane from dad's which is why I've seen her. She never comes to dad's though.

I suppose they feel I'd be a bit of a burden.

No, they never come here. Grandad has been over once with dad earlier this year. I had 5 of them in my 5 bed flat for a fully cooked brunch. I wouldn't mind looking after them if they visited.

SpangledBoots Sun 18-Dec-16 20:28:38

One bed!

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