Passive aggressive mother(11 Posts)
My mother is driving me nuts. We have an alright relationship on the whole but recently her passive aggressive bullshit has stepped right up.
A bit of background, DH sand I became parents young, we needed a lot of help, both sets of parents were very hands on grandparents and were invaluable. We bought a house whilst pregnant but we're just kids really so bad no idea re housework and stuff and my mum was great at helping out and basically teaching us how to adult. DH had trouble adjusting to the new grown up role and a few years in we split up for various reasons - mainly he was an arsehole - but eventually some time down the line (about 9 years ago) we got back together, got married, had another child etc and all has been well.
However at times my mother still seems to behave as though we need her to do the 'grown up' stuff for us - we're now 34 and 36, both in good jobs own two houses and have two well behaved clean kids who have made it to the ages of 14 and 7 without incident.
Cut to the recent stuff, we got a puppy at the beginning of the year, mug thought went into it, blah blah, he's looked after etc but as puppies do when he was toilet training he had accidents on the carpet which left unsightly marks even though we cleaned up straight away (cream carpet, nightmare to keep pristine) anyway once the pup was housetrained we got the carpets cleaned with one of those rug doctor things. Within a couple of weeks the marks had come back. So I paid someone to come and clean them professionally, again within A short period of time the marks had come back. So for the third time this year a few weeks ago I got them cleaned again because yes it looks awful but it's obviously the stain coming back through from the underlay and short of replacing the entire carpet (which we do plan to do but we also plan to knock walls etc down so no point doing one without the other and a few weeks before Christmas wasn't the time to start) there's not much else I can do.
So 3x this year I have cleaned the carpets because the stains are embarrassing and it makes us look dirty. I said I was having a pre Christmas clear up last weekend and my mum offered to come and help (I initially declined as I didn't want her commenting that we were manky or whatever - that's why I was having a good declutter we both work out the home and I have a second job that takes me away a few times a month). So she get so here and starts commenting on the carpet straight away asking if I'm planning getting it cleaned before Christmas etc and I replied nope, I've already spent £300 on it this year, no more, waste of money. So she asks why I don't buy a rug, so I explain rugs aren't cheap either and die to the location of the stains it would look ridiculous. So she starts suggesting hiring the rug doctor again and I repeat forcefully I do not want to waste more money on the carpets, they will be replaced next year when we can afford it. She then accuses me of being stroppy and 'she was only making suggestions'.
Kids stayed at my parents last night as DH and I both had Christmas parties, DS was going out with another family member this morning to a Christmas thing and wanted to wear his Christmas jumper, he'd worn it this week at school and I commented to DH it was looking a bit tight but would do this year however if would have to be replaced next year. I went to collect the kids from my parents and my mum makes a big deal about how she had to give DS an early Christmas present of a shirt as his jumper had sleeves up to his elbows and was age 5-6. She'd washed it and ironed it and stretched it but it was just far too small which was simply untrue. So I showed her a pic of DS wearing it last week and she just ignored it and went back to teasing me about having him in clothes that didn't fit. I left feeling like shit.
Writing this down has made me feel so petty but it's like even at the age of 34 I can't be trusted to parent properly or look after my own home and it's making me really pissed off and reluctant to spend time with her as it's non stop passive aggression and when called on it I'm the one being sensitive and taking things the wrong way. Maybe I am being sensitive and out of order but it's getting very wearing.
Can't even remember my AIBU now. Sorry for the rambling. I feel better having got it all out.
No advice but my mother is the same and I've no idea what to do either! My sympathy.
I'm probably adding to your stress but I'd prefer to pour neat bleach on the stains if they look horrid - yeah you'd have light patches and would ruin it but to me that'd be preferable to dark stains.
As for your mother. Minimum engagement when she gets started on one. If possible, smile and nod. Change subject.
Bacon I have considered it but I think it would look even worse.
It's a constant source of angst as I know the carpets are as clean as possible having spent a fortune on getting people in to sort them but it looks gross, as if we've just let the dog piss all over the place and done nothing about it. I have no idea why the stains are wicking back up through the carpet but there is no other explanation for it. We did put an existing rug down in the dining room after the carpets were cleaned in case it was just normal day to day grot somehow attaching to the stain site or something but under the rug that has never been stepped on following the last pro clean is now covered in dark circles.
If I knew the carpet was to replaced in the next year or so, and bleach would look worse, I'd cut out areas of the carpet with the stains with a sharp knife, have a good clean of the floor underneath, maybe put some foil down for good measure and then replace with equivalent unstained pieces of carpet I had cut out from under the sofa.
Might look awful but not as bad as stains and a funny talking point
You've been talking to my mother haven't you?
Is 20 & 22 counted as 'just kids' needing helping with parenting and living in your own home? Maybe you thinking that has something to do with why your mum still wants to 'mother' you so much?
It was 19 & 21 so no, maybe not kids per se but it was the first time either of us had owned our own home plus a newborn in low paid jobs with not a lot of spare cash. So you maybe see it as being babied but I don't think it was that. Perhaps being taught how to adult was the wrong phrase but she helped out with keeping on top of housework when I went back to work when DD was 4 months old and assisted with things like buying DD the occasional pair of shoes or whatever because we couldn't make the money stretch that month. Not rocket science, and had she not been around definitely something we could have figured out for ourselves but she was there to help and offered that help and we accepted. I think it's the kind of stuff I would do for my kids no matter what their age because becoming parents and homeowners for the first time is a huge shock to the system however old you are.
Or maybe you're right and I accepted the babying before so should just suck it up now.
Sounds like my mother. No ill intent whatsoever but it can just be hard work when they are all 'my way or the high way'
I wouldn't say we were taught how to adult but my parents are invaluable with childcare, support & occasionally Financially ie DC new shoes but because they want to, not because we've asked.
Basically we have the odd grumble to ourselves but we generally stick it out as the good outweighs the bad.
When my mother has been outrageous I have it out with her & my dad is piggy in the middle for a day or 2! Usually 3/4 times a year lol.
I feel your pain. DD (12) and I are living with my parents atm and its driving us all insane.
Mum will not let anything go whatsoever and once she has a bee in her bonnet goes on and on and on even about the tiniest, most insignificant stuff.
Even when I was still with STBXH she would phone at 7.30 in the morning to check that DD had gloves or that I'd allowed myself enough time to defrost the windscreen.
I'm 41 .
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