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So hurt...why would they do that. AIBU?

(42 Posts)
Faithnotfear Sat 17-Dec-16 12:12:10

3 years ago today we lost our dad to cancer. He was a wonderful man that many people loved and it was obviously a huge loss for all of us. I had a really close relationship with my dad and it hit me hard and I still find it very painful. Everyone knows this.
We've never had a particularly close family but I would say we get on ok. We all live within a mile radius and I thought we enjoyed each other's company. My mum is obviously on her own now and so my brother has invited her over this evening so she's not by herself which I think is really nice. The thing is, I'm also on my own and grieving, but they haven't invited me. I can't figure out why and I've got mixed emotions of upset, anger, offence and sadness. It's made me feel like shit to be quite honest. It's been planned all week, I just thought perhaps it had taken them a while to mention it, but no, my mum has just said she's off there this evening without even asking what I'm doing.
I'm trying really hard not to make this about me and therefore don't really want to mention it, but I'm gutted. The angry side of me wants to f*ck them all off next week and not even spend Christmas Eve with them which is all we've got planned over Christmas. Now i know that's being unreasonable and will try and get over myself on that one! But I was already a bit upset that they had left me and my mum to it on Christmas Day (it's just the two of us as my son is at his dads). But I just feel this really is a bit too far especially at this time of year. AIBU? Need a bit of help processing my thoughts on this one. Thank you x

Bluntness100 Sat 17-Dec-16 12:16:30

I suspect your brother has just done it to stop your mum being alone tonight, as opposed to something more major to mark the anniversary, he's maybe wanting to distract her and keep her company, without maybe wallowing in it if that makes sense, so not inviting you means it maybe doesn't turn into something bigger and probably didn't even occur to him, it was just a nice thing to do to stop her being alone.

I'm sorry about your dad but I wouldn't read too much into this.

GinIsIn Sat 17-Dec-16 12:17:24

You are being a bit U - sorry! I'm really sorry for your loss, it's 2 years next week for us as well, do I do get where you are coming from. Grief is a very personal and often very selfish thing - it can be very hard to see someone else's pain when your own is so great, so it may be that your DM simply hasn't realised you are struggling still. Does she even know you are on your own? I don't really get who the 'they' is who left you and your DM for Christmas - it isn't clear from your OP, but the thing is, it's been 3 years - not everyone moves on at the same rate and whilst you of course are allowed to grieve for your DF for as long and in whatever way you want, you can't begrudge others if they are healing, or appear to be healing faster than you.

Musicaltheatremum Sat 17-Dec-16 12:18:04

I'm sorry about your dad. It must be hard.
I wonder if your brother just hasn't thought it through. In that he's only thinking about your mum. Or maybe he thinks you should have suggested going to see your mum today too. (I'm not judging, I lost my husband 5 years ago and I sometimes wonder why my mother in law never phones me on the day but then I don't phone her)
Why don't you give your mum a phone and suggest you come round and see her too. You could all have a lovely evening and reminisce about your dad. flowers

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Sat 17-Dec-16 12:18:08

I can understand how you must be feeling about this. Grief is so difficult to deal with.

Could you perhaps be being a little over-sensitive,given how you are feeling? Its family; can't you just go along anyway? In our family we'd say, "Oh, you're going to X? I think I'll come too." Do you need an invite?

I know all families are different and maybe your family acts more formally, but perhaps they expect you to come if you want and not come if you don't

Faithnotfear Sat 17-Dec-16 12:22:19

Bluntness perhaps you are right about him not wanting to turn it into an occasion, he doesn't like a fuss. Thank you.
Fenella it's not DM I'm upset with. It's my brothers family they just don't seem to think sometimes.

Faithnotfear Sat 17-Dec-16 12:24:15

I take my mum to my dads grave to lay flowers a couple of times a month. I am taking her this afternoon as well. I ring her every day and visit with my little boy several times a week.

GinIsIn Sat 17-Dec-16 12:25:14

Well your DB's first thought is presumably for your DM, and he probably doesn't even realise you are alone? He's trying to do a nice thing for your DM, not a horrible thing to you.

Chippednailvarnishing Sat 17-Dec-16 12:26:15

Maybe you should consider grief counseling OP, as things are clearly still very raw for you. It might things like this easier to deal with?

Faithnotfear Sat 17-Dec-16 12:26:49

Sorry for everyone else's losses too x

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 12:27:27

Have you said "Can I come too?"

SheSparkles Sat 17-Dec-16 12:29:57

7 years today since I lost my mum and it's as raw as ever...it doesn't sound like your brother has deliberately excluded you, give him a phone and pop over tonight. Life's too short to fall out with loved ones...

0phelia Sat 17-Dec-16 12:33:21

Flowers at the grave a couple of times a month??
That's excessive. Sorry. Most only lay flowers for significant events like Birthday/death of deceased and Xmas etc.

I think after three years you are still struggling this much, you need bereavement councilling.

You're mum and brother are probably thinking you'd like some space. Or he's literally invited your mum and no

itsmine Sat 17-Dec-16 12:35:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Supermagicsmile Sat 17-Dec-16 12:36:21

Sorry for your loss op. Can you invite yourself along tonight or just turn up? You could just say your mum mentioned it and you assumed that you were invited too.

itsmine Sat 17-Dec-16 12:37:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badders123 Sat 17-Dec-16 12:38:15

Ophelia.
That's your opinion!
Mum and I take flowers to dad's grave twice a month
Lots of other people do too
Op...I think rather than being deliberately excluded your brother has perhaps just not realised you are still struggling so much?
I'm sorry for your loss.
It's been 3.5 years since we lost dad. This time of year makes it more raw.

Faithnotfear Sat 17-Dec-16 12:39:34

Ophelia the point I was trying to make is that I make the effort with mum. Not about how regularly I lay flowers. Everyone's relationship with people they have lost is different and what seems excessive for one person may be just enough for another. Personally I like to reflect at dad's garden. It's peaceful and I like to maintain it. Nothing worse than seeing a neglected grave. It was the one thing I said when we agreed to have a grave rather than scatter ashes, that it needed to be maintained and I think it's ok that I keep it looking pretty for now.

Euphemia Sat 17-Dec-16 12:45:02

There are no rules on how to grieve and when.

I agree that your DB wants to keep this low-key. My dad died three years ago on Hogmanay: on the first anniversary I didn't join DM and DB as their plan was to go and stand outside the hospice where he died. That sounded awful to me, so I stayed away and made no fuss.

Last year we (DM, DB, SIL, DD) scattered his ashes in the sea. Low-key and lovely.

This year - who knows? We don't pressure each other with expectations.

Faithnotfear Sat 17-Dec-16 12:52:30

Yea you're all right. Thanks everyone flowers

DeepanKrispanEven Sat 17-Dec-16 12:53:37

Perhaps your brother thinks that you have people like your son to keep you company but your mother doesn't have anyone else?

lovelearning Sat 17-Dec-16 12:59:13

There are no rules on how to grieve and when.

Faith, perhaps your brother's struggling with his grief too?

Could be the explanation for his bad manners.

Suggest you cut him some slack.

flowers

Bagina Sat 17-Dec-16 13:06:19

I'd ask your dB via text if you are welcome too, seeing as you're on your own on a difficult day. I know your beef isn't with your mum but it's not nice that's she's not thinking about how her daughter is missing her dad and making sure you have company for tonight. I find grief can make people really selfish. My dm is the 'grief stealer'.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine Sat 17-Dec-16 13:06:29

I don't imagine for one second your brother has deliberately excluded you, it probably just hasn't occurred to him you need the same level of support as your mum. In fact it's possible he's not invited you because he's trying not to make a big deal of it as that could make your mum more upset. My FIL died over 10 years ago now and we always make sure my MIL is not alone on the anniversary. We never mention what day it is, but we know she'll be thinking about it so we make sure she's not thinking about it alone. Just phone your brother and tell him you're struggling and would like to be with him and your mum.

alltouchedout Sat 17-Dec-16 13:13:03

^Flowers at the grave a couple of times a month??
That's excessive. Sorry. Most only lay flowers for significant events like Birthday/death of deceased and Xmas etc. ^

That's unkind. It's up to the op and her family how often they do this, not anyone else. I literally never take flowers to the graves of my relatives. I have a friend who takes flowers to her loved ones graves every week. Neither of us are wrong, and I'd be hurt and annoyed if anyone said I didn't care or she was grieving excessively based on how often we choose to lay flowers.

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