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To think very few men are going to want to date a single mum to 4 children?

(164 Posts)
Littlelamplight Fri 16-Dec-16 18:21:50

I'm posting in AIBU because I'm prepared for your brutal truths.

I've been single for 2 years. Four children by two men. One a marriage and the other a short term relationship. I work, ok financially but not particularly wealthy.

In the last six months I've started going out more with my single friends and online dating. I don't think I'm bad looking, I keep myself in shape and I do have 2 nights a week childfree.

I'm not getting anywhere and the sticking point is the kids. I know it is even when it's not said out loud. And I get it, 4 kids is massive, it's daunting and there are lots of other women out there with less baggage.

I've been trying to stay stoic but I don't know Xmas is coming and I'm suddenly feeling really lonely. I have this crashing premonition of being alone for the rest of my life and it's terrifying.

I don't need a stepfather for my kids, their dads are brilliant and I'm really lucky with that. But as soon as I say "4 kids" men just go cold or just want to keep it casual (sex).

So tell me straight because my friends keep saying oh you'll find someone etc but they have to say that really don't know. I need people to be upfront so I can face up to it, accept the reality and get on with things.

hackneyandbow Fri 16-Dec-16 18:23:09

yanbu. sorry

Littlelamplight Fri 16-Dec-16 18:25:52

You honestly don't need to say sorry! I wouldn't want to date a man who had 4 children. I'm just feeling sad, it's so easy for men to move on and find someone (luckily both the stepmothers are lovely) but I'm feeling slightly screwed.

Maybe when the DC are older it won't be such a "baggage"?

Aeroflotgirl Fri 16-Dec-16 18:26:33

It can be off putting, that many kids, your right. Mabey when they are older and more independent. You never know, you might meet that special someone who doesn't no d, or mabey also has a big family.

toffeeboffin Fri 16-Dec-16 18:27:21

As you say it'll be easier when they are older.

I guess they are youngish still?

garbagegirl Fri 16-Dec-16 18:27:24

You only need 1.

Suburbopolis Fri 16-Dec-16 18:28:12

Will post my honest thoughts from my laptop later

TimetohittheroadJack Fri 16-Dec-16 18:28:31

I have 4, by two dads, and have met a wonderful man who loves me and the children. So it can happen. And remember you are not always going to have four children, they will grow up and (probably) leave home.

zippey Fri 16-Dec-16 18:28:37

How old are the children? I wouldn't call them baggage, but you are right, it's a lot to take on.

Why not be single for a while and enjoy your own company or your friends.

Littlelamplight Fri 16-Dec-16 18:29:01

Youngest is nearly 3. Oldest is 13.

LittleBooInABox Fri 16-Dec-16 18:29:05

YANBU - and I'm sorry sad

I struggle with one! I once had a guy say to me dating a women with kids is like continuing another mans saved game.

But the right man will come along eventually. My friend has 6 and met a new guy. Took a few years but it's possible.


dontpokethebear Fri 16-Dec-16 18:29:26

It's a difficult one. Have you tried OLD? At least then the info is up front.

I met DH OLD. I found that it was easier to meet the sort of person who wants a long term relationship that way, than in a bar/pub/club. You can be choosier.

TimetohittheroadJack Fri 16-Dec-16 18:29:41

I mean that your children will grown up to adults, not anything sadder !

expatinscotland Fri 16-Dec-16 18:29:51

YANBU. Will get easier when they're older, probably. Back when I was single and childfree, however, I wouldn't have touched a man who had kids with a 10-foot bargepole, much less 4 of them.

wineandsunshine Fri 16-Dec-16 18:29:56

Stay positive! You never know who is out there, yes four children is a lot (I have 4 myself from two different partners) but I'm sure it will happen. They will love you for you and the children are part of that. Good luck op x

SantasJockstrap Fri 16-Dec-16 18:30:34

I was a single mother (dc has grown up now)

During the entirety of his childhood, no man would take me seriously

I was lonely like you, and tried to date - but men were only after one thing

It takes a very special man to be tied down like that. and like you say yourself OP, if it were me, I wouldn't want to date someone with one kid, nevermind four

However when my son got to his mid teens, I met a wonderful man and now married.

I seriously wished I hadn't bothered trying to date when my son was young, as I was too young to realise I DIDNT need anyone.

You don't need anyone hun, I am not saying you should not have casual acquaintances if that is what you want, but you have more pressing issues than getting messed about by some dude

MoreThanUs Fri 16-Dec-16 18:30:42

I think you're right about 'very few'. The vast majority of people chose not to have that many children, so it follows that it's unlikely for someone to opt into that knowing the situation. That said, many many women with 4 children do find partners, and you only need one man, so you never know.
Anyone wanting to 'keep it casual' on finding out I had 4 children world be told to fuck off.

macromolecule Fri 16-Dec-16 18:30:44

You just never know OP. I had three children from my first marriage and sort of thought the same as you but I met my lovely DH who wasn't put off at all, and we had another three! We've been together 15 years and as happy as pigs in mud.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 16-Dec-16 18:30:51

littleboo what a wanker. No that type wod not be right, but yes might be easier when they are older.

Reddingtonsmoll Fri 16-Dec-16 18:30:54

Finding a partner is difficult for people generally. I only have one child and I've been single over a decade. My friend has 4 children and she's never been short of admirers. I'm sure some men would be put off but some men not so much. Good luck and stay confident.

MrsMattBomer Fri 16-Dec-16 18:31:15

It depends I suppose.

A very dear male friend of mine was unable to have children and he met a lovely woman who came with three kids. It was sort of exactly what he wanted - a family. They've been together 18 years and he was only 24 at the time.

I think if the right bloke comes along it won't really matter.

Chaotica Fri 16-Dec-16 18:31:19

I'm not sure it's all men. I had a friend with three children under 8 (by different dads, who weren't all much help) and she was fighting off offers from men. (And they weren't just after sex either.) There are men out there (although I can see how a lot might be put off -- just think that they're not the ones you want).

CookieDoughKid Fri 16-Dec-16 18:31:54

Yanbu. The truth is that 4 is a scary number but the right man will not be put off. My neighbour has 4 kids and met a wonderful man (who actually isn't bothered about having any of his own). You just haven't met the right man yet.

Littlelamplight Fri 16-Dec-16 18:32:08

Zippey, I loved my time being single, I've travelled on my own and completed some courses, made lots of friends and I do have a great life.

But I'm lonely. It's been creeping up on me but I miss having someone, watching a movie or cooking for someone. Just having a person? Christmas makes it worst I think. I miss just being hugged by a man sad

I've had some on night stands and they've just made me feel worse so that's not the way for me I don't think.

BeautifulLiar Fri 16-Dec-16 18:32:38

I'm also a single mother of four. Tbh I haven't been short of offers since I started dating in June. I was very shocked. Some wanted just sex (and so did I! They were hot wink) and some wanted a proper relationship, but I didn't really like them that much.

I have a new partner now, it's early days but he seems mad about me, and although he is four years my junior (23), he has been amazing... Even cleaning up sick and going to the park with us, cooking for me etc etc. It can happen, but I was very happy on my own

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