AIBU to be upset by this?(15 Posts)
I was very good friends with a girl at work for 7 years. We used to go to lunch regularly, confide in each other and bought presents for each other on our birthdays and at Christmas. When I had my son she would buy presents for him at regular intervals "just because".
In October 2015 I went on maternity leave again and a couple of weeks later she handed in her notice and left the company. We still kept in touch by text every couple of weeks or so. In December 2015 she told me she was getting engaged to her long term boyfriend and sent me pictures of the ring. I was delighted for her and sent a card and gift. Over the following months we remained in contact and she would tell me about her wedding, sent me pictures of the dress and the venue and would update me on various other goings on in her life and ask me for advice. In return, I kept her up to date with my own life and sent pictures of the kids when she asked for them.
I didn't get invited to the wedding and I wasn't upset about this initially as I knew she wanted a small wedding of around 30 guests in total.
On the morning of the wedding in September 2016 she sent me photos of her in her dress and I wished her luck and sent her a congratulatory message in return (telling her she looked beautiful etc).
Then I saw photos of the wedding on Facebook. One of the photos was a copy of the seating plan. There were indeed only around 30 guests at the wedding who were seated around 3 tables. I know her husband's family and friends and they, with the bridal party, took up 2 tables. The third table consisted of 3 of our former mutual colleagues and their families. I wasn't close to these colleagues and they were all friends with my friend independently of each other. They all had young children with them (the same age or younger than my children). She didn't invite any other people outside of her parents, siblings and these three former colleagues (and their families). As an aside, one of those colleagues was someone who spread vicious lies and gossip about me at work to the point that I raised a grievance against her which was upheld and she was disciplined. My friend knows all about this.
I will admit to being very upset. But I didn't say anything to my friend and resolved that obviously she didn't consider me as good a friend as I considered her and decided to take a step back. She was entitled to invite whoever she wanted to her wedding and I didn't make the cut. At the same time, I decided that I really didn't want to invest any more time in our "friendship".
The problem is that she still texts frequently (once a week at least) and I have been responding (short messages) but I don't really want to any more. I guess that I'm just too hurt and I don't want to pretend like everything is ok.
So, my questions are:
1. AIBU to feel upset about being excluded?; and
2. How would you stop being friends? Would you just stop responding to texts or send her a message explaining that I was hurt by not being invited to the wedding and so don't want to continue the friendship. Or would either of those things be childish?
Many thanks for reading and for any advice.
YANBU to feel excluded if that's how you feel. Is it possible that her dh knew the colleagues well?
If you want to wind the friendship down then just stop sending messages.
I probably wouldn't say anything now.If you don't want the friendship gradually stop texting her back and let the friendship die.
I think you are over reacting tbh. She had a tiny wedding with close family and 3 close friends. She didn't exclude you, she sent you messages and kept you updated about things. I don't think you would have batted an eyelid if it was 3 friends of hers that you didn't know.
If you don't wish to be her friend because you weren't invited then just stop replying to her messages. You'll look pretty childish if you tell her it's because you weren't invited considering you knew all along how tiny the wedding was and that you weren't invited and it will put her in a really awkward position when she hasn't done anything wrong.
If I liked a person, and had spent good times with them, I wouldn't stop being friends with them over not being invited to their wedding. If you and she get on well enough to be friends, then I don't see how it's relevant if she is 'more' or 'less' close to another friend.
I would consider loads of people to still be my friends, despite the fact I probably wouldn't be a close enough friend to be invited to a smallish party such as her wedding was. If I then decided to have a strop, all that would mean is that I had fewer friends. What's to be gained by that ?
It's natural to feel a bit hurt but as PP said if it was any other friend you wouldn't feel this way which means it's actually coming across more as jealousy. I think to end such a long friendship over it without even trying to save it is childish but it's up to you.
I don't think you'd care at all if you weren't miffed because she invited sone one you had a grievance with. Your pissed off because they went and you didn't. Grow up.
Could there be other factors? Did the three take partners/children? Do you know she didn't invite you, rather than your invite getting lost?
It's ok to be upset and hurt- I would feel left out too if someone who was a key friend turned out to value me less than several other people. Thing is, they may have another connecting bond you don't know about. Maybe when you were on mat leave they all joined the same gym/dance class or something.
Forget the reasons, just weigh up whether you can get over it. You were happy with your friendship before, after all.
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would rather invite someone I had raised a grievance against than me to their wedding, I'd feel like they'd chosen their side and it wasn't me and that if my friendship had been important to them they'd have considered my feelings. So I think yanbu, just reply less often and with non committal answers until the texts stop- let it drift rather than have a confrontation. Unless they ask why the change in friendship, and then I'd tell them why.
Thank you for those of you who took the time to politely answer. I think I'll just do a slow fade as some PPs have suggested.
I would be extremely hurt, just don't reply to her.
Definitely explain to her. It would be a shame to cut off the friendship without giving her a chance to explain. She may have had some random reason you can't think of. She may now regret it???
Just send her a blunt message - may sound silly to you but I've been really hurting over x coming to your wedding and not us. I thought we were closer than that and I feel I've judged our friendship wrong
I think I would be hurt too and would pull a slow fade.
I would be hurt too (and am HV's thick skinned!). Take longer to reply to her texts each week - until you're not replying within the week. Then stop replying completely.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
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