AIBU to be upset by this?(7 Posts)
I was very good friends with a girl at work for 7 years. We used to go to lunch regularly, confide in each other and bought presents for each other on our birthdays and at Christmas. When I had my son she would buy presents for him at regular intervals "just because".
In October 2015 I went on maternity leave again and a couple of weeks later she handed in her notice and left the company. We still kept in touch by text every couple of weeks or so. In December 2015 she told me she was getting engaged to her long term boyfriend and sent me pictures of the ring. I was delighted for her and sent a card and gift. Over the following months we remained in contact and she would tell me about her wedding, sent me pictures of the dress and the venue and would update me on various other goings on in her life and ask me for advice. In return, I kept her up to date with my own life and sent pictures of the kids when she asked for them.
I didn't get invited to the wedding and I wasn't upset about this initially as I knew she wanted a small wedding of around 30 guests in total.
On the morning of the wedding in September 2016 she sent me photos of her in her dress and I wished her luck and sent her a congratulatory message in return (telling her she looked beautiful etc).
Then I saw photos of the wedding on Facebook. One of the photos was a copy of the seating plan. There were indeed only around 30 guests at the wedding who were seated around 3 tables. I know her husband's family and friends and they, with the bridal party, took up 2 tables. The third table consisted of 3 of our former mutual colleagues and their families. I wasn't close to these colleagues and they were all friends with my friend independently of each other. They all had young children with them (the same age or younger than my children). She didn't invite any other people outside of her parents, siblings and these three former colleagues (and their families). As an aside, one of those colleagues was someone who spread vicious lies and gossip about me at work to the point that I raised a grievance against her which was upheld and she was disciplined. My friend knows all about this.
I will admit to being very upset. But I didn't say anything to my friend and resolved that obviously she didn't consider me as good a friend as I considered her and decided to take a step back. She was entitled to invite whoever she wanted to her wedding and I didn't make the cut. At the same time, I decided that I really didn't want to invest any more time in our "friendship".
The problem is that she still texts frequently (once a week at least) and I have been responding (short messages) but I don't really want to any more. I guess that I'm just too hurt and I don't want to pretend like everything is ok.
So, my questions are:
1. AIBU to feel upset about being excluded?; and
2. How would you stop being friends? Would you just stop responding to texts or send her a message explaining that I was hurt by not being invited to the wedding and so don't want to continue the friendship. Or would either of those things be childish?
Many thanks for reading and for any advice.
Sounds like you've only ever been in text contact since October 2015, so I can't say I'm surprised you didn't get an invite to the wedding. The other three colleagues must be really good friends of hers if they were the only people outsidw of family who were invited.
So I think YABU.
Just phase out the text contact if you don't want to be friends any more. Don't have a go at her about her wedding.
I think (unless other communication has been off-it) that she does like you.
Otherwise she'd not be in touch. She'd had opportunities to drop you and hasn't.
You don't know the reason for no wedding invite - you can invent reasons but you are probably likely to be wide off the real reason.
If you like her and want to remain in contact then I think you have to put the wedding to one side.
If you don't then either tell her why or just stop communicating with her.
I would just phase her out personally. I couldn't be bothered confronting her - it's not like she's going to decide there was anything wrong with the way she's treated you. I think sending you pics of the dress etc on the morning of the wedding was rubbing your nose in it a bit tbh.
Respond to some of her texts but keep it short and don't respond straight away. Ignore others. Don't arrange to meet up and make noises about being really busy. She'll get the message but it won't be that awkward if you bump into each other.
1. I don't think YABU to feel hurt and excluded.
2. She obviously sees you as a friend, and until the wedding photos you felt the same. It's not childish to tell someone you felt hurt by something they did; it's actually quite mature if done properly (i.e. Not by text). She may be defensive and the friendship may end anyway, or she may be a bit clueless and admit to her lack of sensitivity.
Could you meet for a coffee somewhere neutral to discuss?
I bumped in to one of the other colleagues randomly in May 2016 and she said she hadn't been in contact with my friend since the colleague left the company in January 2015, so I don't think they were really good friends- in fact I told the colleague that she was engaged. A couple of days later they became friends on facebook. This colleague has children around the same age as mine and we all worked in the same team- she would work through lunch and leave early due to childcare responsibilities and they didn't hang out with each other outside of work. Prior to the wedding I wouldn't have classed her as a very good friend of my friend. She didn't spend time with the other two colleagues outside of work either.
We spoke on the phone about once a month and she visited me when I had my baby girl. As the mother of two young children, most of my relationships are maintained by text and e-mail and I don't think that actually negates the "value" of the relationship- it certainly hasn't affected my other friendships.
How strange. It sounds like you don't want the friendship to continue-is that right?
If confrontation isn't your thing just stop replying to her texts. For me, that wouldn't achieve the 'closure' I'd need so I would be telling her straight why I don't want her to contact me anymore
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