AIBU to refuse and boycott the 'xmas gifts list' idea?(154 Posts)
I am not sure if I am being strong headed/aibu here but my sis says so..
For xmas I always used to buy whatever I thought my nieces and nephews would love within my budget.Ok, maybe I have missed once or twice and got the wrong gift.. I love the idea of choosing their gifts and surprising them but in the last couple of years my DSils have decided to create 'gifts lists' for their kids and pass it around the family. I guess the kids get exactly what they want which is a good thing but I have a couple of issues with this.
They are both wealthy and not very reasonable with it. On the list, you'll find a doll for £110 for DN, a pair of PUMA for £85 and it goes on. The cheapest item is £50.. I am a single mum on a low income and would like to spend most of my christmas budget on my own DD (9). I am angry that they don't see that its not the fair thing to do.. They are buying for 1. I have to buy for 8.
They have been asking all week about their lists and also DD's but I refuse to discuss it. I would like to do this my own way. Don't want the stress pressure. I just can't afford it and may be I am too embarrassed to say it..
My sister thinks IABU for not doing the same and telling DSILs what DD would like. She says she is happy to share the cost for all the kids gifts..I am not comfortable with that either.. Its still bloody too much..
Is this common? IABU?
What would you do??
Just buy something you have chosen off the list. Tell her thank you for the ideas but you have already got a gift for DN.
Sorry just realised that wasn't very clear! By off the list I meant not on the list!
You mean the OP should buy "off list," rather than from the list. I understood, and I agree.
I like lists as long as they have cheaper stuff on, too.
You dont have to stick to it but i get why it would make you feel annoyed.
Yanbu op, I think it's so rude to keep asking about the list especially when the items are so expensive! Just buy something you can afford.
in your position OP I thibk I'd be tempted to just give them cash equivalent to what you would have spent, eg £15/20 in a card to make the point. I think demanding that you spend at least £50 on both of them is outrageous. I only spend that much on items for my own children and I am not particularly on a budget.
Gift voucher or money in a card -no way would I expect anybody to spend £50 upwards on a gift for my child. It actually makes me cringe to think of listing items that expensive and handing them over to people!
I agree ignore the list, go with money or vouchers or indeed a gift of your choice! It's often nice to have a list for a guideline but not one with all high end items on it, if people ask me for gift ideas for any of my family I always give suggestions between £3 to £10. If they want to spend more they have to specifically say, I wouldn't be so presumptious to expect an expensive gift.
Maybe they did have cheaper things on the list but others bought those? I'm not against gift lists but they need to include lots of cheap items! Don't feel embarrassed just say the list is over budget.
I sometimes like lists just for guidelines about what they are into. But I, like you, love to surprise them with something I have chosen with thought and love. I am also a very very savvy shopper and will go all out to bag a bargain, so I would hate to be sidelined into spending ridiculous amounts of money. Stick to your guns, I think it is the best thing ever to get surprises! Who only wants their list.. They may as well just shop for themselves.
My brother did this for his DD - picked something lovely and split the cost with my sister - done.
I have noticed more posters on here saying "Oh we do Amazon lists and its great"
I think it's bloody rude, and grabby, and I can't see my position on that changing.
Why does everyone suddenly think that children have the absolute right to not just offer an idea... book, LEGO, but to specify exactly what item and what brand and what price.
It's a gift, not paying tax!
There's a problem in my family of certain members phoning in "gifts" that often feel insulting of "the any old shit will do" variety.
I'm not like that, I listen and put effort in into making sure that I get correct stuff (such as checking with DC parents) and it's insulting in the opposite way.
"No don't get me that beautiful thing you've picked out especially. I want x or nothing. And I think the gift you get me/my DC should be X amount minimum"
I find myself shocked at the entitled culture on MN sometimes, that the DC should have what they want at all times and WOE BETIDE anyone who doesn't go along with that.
We are bringing up a nation of Veruca Salts
There's a reason the phrase "It's the thought that counts" caught on.
Yes, I resent that certain family members get me shit gifts, mostly because it feels like no thought has gone in, that's the problem. (1 of a whatever 3 for 2 etc)
But by forcing everyone to adhere to "an only off this list" policy, just rejects any sense of not just thought, but budget etc.
I don't think I'll ever get over the cheek of an unsolicited gift list created by a friend of mine and the items on it.
The only acceptable response to a gift is thank you. Ideas are acceptable. Specific demands are not unless solicited.
My family have always done Christmas present lists, mostly for extended family but they didn't tend to be too specific apart from books, they weren't demands but suggestions and they weren't expensive (expensive gifts are for parents in my book). I find them very helpful, especially for teenagers. I'd much rather buy someone something that they would like and appreciate than guess and get it wrong.
If I was the OP I'd either say something about costs to the SILs or go halves with her sister on the cheapest item. Of just tell the SILs she is going off list, as presumably the SILs just want to know what items to take off the list to avid duplicates.
YANBU - gift lists and ideas can be helpful but must be cheap and cheerful. Expensive gifts should be up to the parents to buy IMO. If people want to spend a bit more on the children in their extended family, they can add a surprise extra gift or a voucher on top. I provide suggestions to my siblings, as they don't have kids yet and aren't always sure what to get/what my DCs might already have. I email a few things such books, a toy or dvd (£7 - £10 each tops). My SiL texted me an amazon link for a specific toy for my nephew this year. It was way more than we usually spend, so I just merrily thanked her for the suggestion but bought something for half the value.
Don't mind lists, lists can be super useful..
As long as:
1/ Its not expected that the recipient or creator of the list is going to recieve EVERY item on that list...
2/The list has a good range of prices, from super cheap to moderately spendy (because frankly the people doing the massive spending should not require a list in the first place!)..
I would rather buy someone something off their list than waste money on something they wont like or already have etc, and from my own list, there were items on there under £5 and I think the spendiest item was £25!
I'd go halves with my sister on a cheaper item. Can't believe their insensitivity to your more modest (and frankly sensible!) budget. I'm lucky enough to not have too tight a budget but would think £50 is a very large amount for a niece/nephew. You really have to put your own daughter's Christmas first. If they've got a lot of people buying for their dc they may not want duplicates/unsuitable presents, which end up in the charity shop. But that doesn't mean they should be so unaware of people's situations. A Christmas list should be a suggestion only and should contain things for all budgets. They are being vv rude.
It's not having the list that is a problem but the way it is handled. My dc make a list because I am often asked what they would like. But they make a long list so that they are surprised still and know they will get very little from it. It mostly has specific items (like books, dvds or games) or general things like football gloves. I would never give it to anyone but use it to make suggestions if I am asked
I find this really grabby of your sister and considering you have to buy for 8 people with the cheapest gifts on the list starting at £50 each that's at least £400 worth of gifts that they are expecting you to buy.
As a single parent on a low income that might well be in excess of your entire Christmas budget! I know we certainly won't be spending that sort of money and we only have 1 DS and 2 other children to buy for.
If I were you I'd set a limit of £10 per person and stick to it from now on. Dont be pressured into causing yourself financial difficulties for the sake of saving face.
Be honest with her and buy what you are comfortable with. I'd say something like 'I understand why you've done the lists but I really enjoy giving them a surprise to open and choosing something myself, I also don't have the budget to spend on what's on the list. I feel pressured when you ask me about it and I really don't feel comfortable sharing the cost with you'
My sil does very specific lists for her dds and gets quite cross if we buy something different but I'm honest with her for the same reason as you.
Also hurrah for the person who mentioned verruca salt! Totally agree that there are far to many children being ruined by our greedy culture. It's a real shame.
Yanbu. Some of my relatives had very little money and I always treasured the token gifts they got me - a note pad/calendar/pens. Even as a teenager They meant the most to me as I knew they had been picked with care.
Huge grabby wish lists and an insistence on sticking to them are so far removed from what Christmas is supposed to be about
Terribly rude to expect you to buy from a list. Absolutely fine to offer suggestions if you ask, but bloody hell they sound obnoxious and entity. No joy in giving in these circumstances!
Gift lists are fine as long as there's items for £5 - £10 on there.
If the parents want their children to have those expensive gifts? Then it's them who should be footing the bill.
I see no issue with saying what your child(ren) is/are interested in, but, only if you are asked to. Force feeding others your list is never going to end well...
Concentrate on your child OP and them theirs! I'd be so tempted to stick £10 (or whatever you'd of usually spent) in an envelope, along with the words "this is our festive contribution to the £110 doll"
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